celebrations

It was that holiday. The one where the candy company tells you to love someone with gifts. Personally my least favorite of the year. I hate the idea of a mandated day of love when it clearly should be everyday. But who am i to argue with Hallmark and Hershey.

So i caved and put a card and candy bar in my kings lunch box. to be honest i love cards. Pretty little notes that are unexpected. Words of love given to stir the heart and soul of your lover in the middle of a mundane work week.

I was shocked to see my king burst through the front door at work carrying a card and candy and teddy bear with a big heart balloon attached. He always surprises me. The gifts were sweet, but it was more the fact that he stopped in the middle of his day to see me. That made the day worth it all.

Evening was another gift all in itself. I planned a surf and turf country style. Elk steak, shrimp, baked potato, salad and fresh fruit. Followed by a home made chocolate cherry pie. But no holiday of love would have been complete without the right outfit. So i made sure this one was spot on perfect for his style.

Pink lace  panties, thigh high stockings with heels of course. a very mini denim mini skirt and a white wife beater with a pink lace bra underneath. The effect was clearly evident. It was all either one of us could do to not just stop dinner and have human desert first.

I love the tease. It is like the abundance of naughty suggestive texts during the day. It builds hunger. Patience while wearing that kind of outfit is a challenge but by the time you cave to the carnal lust it is so worth the wait.

Life gave me the best V day ever. I finally don’t hate that holiday. My king made me feel special. Made me the center of his universe in a big way that day. I had no room to doubt his want or desire of me. There was no porn or naughty conversations about other people in our play. It was just us two and sometimes that is the best of all. Knowing that I was the one who made him hungry and i alone was all he needed to fill that hunger.

I know, I love the porn and the dirty idea of adding a third, but as a girl you need to know from time to time that you are all he needs. Life is so good.

 

 

 

sexual fantasies

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself where yours came from? What makes some things trip your trigger and some turn you off fast? It is something i have thought of but not with the clarity i have today.

I have baby girl fantasies. Now, with my history of childhood sexual assault, many would thing it strange. But today i understood it better than ever. My step dad was all about innocence and purity.  I was a good girl. Given white and pastel colors to wear. It was never about me touching him. Only him touching me. He loved to shock me but exposing himself. He thrived off of the idea of purity.

As an adult during my first marriage there was NO  fantasy play. Now that i am in a healthy loving relationship the play is abundant. And i have explored age play. Now I get that it has nothing to do with the abuse.  For me being a baby girl is about 2 things, the safety and love and feeling very special. The other is about being   a BAD GIRL.  This baby girl is naughty and dirty and loves it. There is no innocence to it. And i love that. I thrive off of the balance of loving safety and the complete ownership that my king has over me as his baby girl. How i can make daddy feel good and be a sexual creature without stupid rules of proper behavior.

To be fair we also have Mommy play.  I had some hickups with it in the beginning. But began to understand that it is about 2 things as well. The loving protectiveness of a mommy as well as the dominate control of TEACHING your cub how to give you great sex. It is a lot to grasp sometimes but great communication leads to amazing sex. Loving this life and all it has given me.

 

where did the words go

I have been trying to write. I have written but find that the things there are from my heart and really only meant for my self or my king. I wrote in the past to process emotions, to help me come to clearer understandings of myself and my life. But these days i TALK. I share all of that with my king and together we work through all that is in my head and my heart. He is my blog. I do know know what comes next. I am finally living this life instead of trying to find my way. I take each moment as the gift it is. NO life if not perfect. Days are hard. Relationships are hard. But I am truly blessed and that is all i can ask for. So until i find something that i need to share i will be in my little world living and loving and being and that is enough. Thank you for taking time from your life to share in the madness of mine. and i wish you all the greatest of love and joy and hope for a better tomorrow.

Hello 2017

This morning i had so much to say. My body and my mind are a minefield at the moment. Physically i feel battered. My joints ache like crazy, my heart hurts because my child is still shutting me out. I wept on my drive in because i felt beaten by things out of my control. I went to work like a responsible adult and hours later my body still hurts and my heart still weeps, but i am choosing Happiness.

It has been my constant mantra since the new year. I have been blessed in so many ways. I refuse to live unhappy. I will not let presumed guilt beat me. I will not cave to someone else’s  misery. 2016 held so many lessons and the one i learned above all else is i have no control over anything in this world except for my own responses to life. And i choose JOY, I choose Happiness, I choose TRust and Faith and Goodness even in the face of adversity and bitterness and anger and I choose LOVE.

Never have i felt love like this. It is more than just the love of my King, but of family and friends and of SELF. Yes i said SELF. I can look in the mirror and say with certianty that i love myself. I do not look at the age that is showing as a bad thing. I see wisdom of years. I do not curse the softness around my middle but know that it is there because i brought life into this world. Life that, despite the current situation, is good and will make the world a better place because her heart is golden.  I see grey hair and thank god for hair color. I am not ready to face those genetics yet. I can not see things close up without glasses but i am grateful that i have those darn things so that i can continue making the world a prettier place one head of hair at a time.

Life is good if you let it be. Set backs happen. But as long as we have breath in our lungs we have a choice and a chance to make our world better. So breath and do and be your best self in this moment. The next moment is another choice. Make it a good one.

Living life in perspective

I have not been here much. I have been spending my time putting life in balance. In facing fears. In taking care of my health and of my loved ones. An in many hours of reflection. Life is feeling in better balance even though i have a couple of things that will need addressing after the holidays.

I am finally living a life of connection. I spent so much time disconnected from everything. I moved in and out of life like a ghost for years. Putting on the happy face and just existing. Then i went through the mad times when i did things i wish i could take back. But even that has taught me things. I did not do what i did to hurt anyone. I did it to see if i could. I was sure that i was the problem. That i was ugly and undesirable. I felt abandon so i dove headlong into the darkness to see if it was true. Was i  really so awful. Turns out, I am sexy and wanted. But if all you are looking for is cheap and empty you can find lots of it. Thankfully i found my loving husband who has been my greatest love and the one who reminds me about balance in life.

At this moment the only thing that feels out of balance is my relationship with my daughter who is battling her own darkness and what will happen on the job front after the new year. I know that time will be the determining factor in everything. So for now i am determined to live in focus. To live in joy. To live in this moment and let the rest take care of themselves. I am not responsible for anyone elses happiness. I am only responsible for my reaction to the events in life. And i hope to face them with dignity and kindness and loving respect for all i meet.

I want to wish you all a wonderful holiday season. As new year approaches i get giddy school girl goose bumps. I love the new beginnings. I love the reflection of the past and the unknown of tomorrow. I smile because it is when my husband proposed to me. It was the beginning of this blessed life. It marked a change in me for the better. I no longer choose to just exist but to live and that is the best gift of all.

I need INK

I did not start getting tattoos until i was in my 30’s. They mark moments in my life of grand importance. The last one was a cover up of a tattoo i had to mark my 20 something year anniversary to my 1st husband. The cover up was not to remove it from my life but to mark my skin for myself instead of for someone else. It had been a vain attempt to elicit some type of emotion or reaction from him. It was a pointless gesture.

Ink for me at this point is almost cathartic. To put something beautiful on my skin. To have a few hours of physical pain to distract me from the mental pain. My only child is still not speaking to me and i have been denied the reason behind her actions. It eats at my core every day. But i have come to a few conclusions on my own. I am happy in my life. And she currently is not. I will not be miserable to make her more comfortable in her sadness. If she is angry at me over choices i made during my divorce from her father then so be it. I was in a bad mental and emotional place and i fucked up. I know this, but i can not take those things back.

I need some peace, I need some pain, I need some ink. Some will not understand the pain thing. I don’t always get it myself. But there is some thing about a small amount of pain that brings things into focus. It reminds you that you are fully alive and want to be. It is not about dying or sadness. At least not for me. It is about clarity. For now my budget will not allow me the luxury. So i will try to find that peace by writing.  Words and music have always been healing for me. So I am breathing deep, cranking up the tunes and having a good cry until i can afford to let my skin take some of this from my broken mommy heart.

Just touch me

My body aches. Yes some of it was physical pain from all that life had dealt her way but most of it was sheer want. No… not want, NEED.

It had been a long time since I have enjoyed a good massage. My therapist had moved from town and my lack of trust had spiked. I know it was part of the reason my brain runs laps around itself. My king helps to calm the mind storm most of the time but this was different. The need was not sexual in nature but one that came from skilled hands making the mind and body find its balance. And lord knows my balance was off, way off.

It was amazing to me how those massages every 3 weeks had been so good for my mental health as well as my physical. I care to much, felt to deep. And carrying all of that in my soul had an effect on my  body. If i only had the ability to turn off my emotions then things would be calmer in my world. But i have never found the switch. and truth be told i did not ever go looking for it. My ability to feel so much is a part of myself that i enjoy. It helps me feel real. It also rips at my guts and my mind and my body.

Lately my balance had been further upset by her own daughter. Their disconnection is causing my entire being to spin wildly out of balance. My mind runs wild with the what could be, and what was wrong and how to fix it. But you can’t fix things when people refuse to talk. So for now i am forced to just breath deep and hope that in time she will want to talk to her mom again. What eats at me the most was the not knowing.

How do you just pick up the phone and let anyone touch you? It is not like getting a pedicure. This is you bare skin in the hands of another. This is the energy that flows through your body being tapped into by another human being. This is the time when you just let go of it all and hope that the hands you are in are of a kind and spiritual person who can deal with all of the energy you are in need of releasing. I am sure it is not that way for everyone, but it is for me. It is more than physical therapy, it is emotional release. It is a transfer of energy from my inner most self out into the world. Some will scoff, some will understand. But for me it takes trust and at this moment i need to find that trust and release more than anything else. So i am going to pick up the phone and say a prayer that i find the right person. Because i NEED this right now, really bad.

 

Things i can’t control

I never thought I was a control freak. That was my ex husband. But as time has gone on i am realizing that I am. I like order and structure mixed with just a touch of mayhem for fun. That being said i am in a strange place in my life. I am so overly emotional lately. I was not sure why, now, i seem to be more in touch with my feelings than ever. It is the fact that for the first time in my life i am in truly a safe place. I am allowed to feel and express without judgment. And because of that I am flooded with all of the feelings i have stuffed for so long.  And it is a bit overwhelming to say the least.

Right now the waves of emotion are at an all time high. And i need to write my way through them so that i can properly process them and come to grips with all that i am feeling.

Most importantly is my relationship with my daughter. She is 25 and recently divorced. It was a bad marriage and there were step children involved. She was deeply attached to the kids. And It is a situation that she is not handling. But as of this moment i have been banned from her life. She is angry with me and while i am not clear at to all of the reasons it is clear that my divorce from her father 3 years ago is causing her some delayed anger. in my head you can not fix what you will not talk about. But this is how her dad acts so i have no control over that and have to sit here patiently and quietly until she decides to talk to me. It is eating me up inside but I am reminded that all i can control is my own response. So for now i am giving her space even though it is killing me slowly inside.

We have had more than our fare share of loss in the last year. We went to a funeral yesterday of a 62 yr old woman who died suddenly from an infection that was not caught in time. She was a vibrant and loving woman dedicated to faith and family. In love with the same guy since she was 14. As i sat in that gym and watched and listened i was faced with a hard cold fact. When i die it will be like nothing really happened. I am disconnected from all of my family. My daughter is pulling away from me. My husband whom i love dearly probably won’t out live me even though he is 10 years younger. So that makes one consider their mortality more than is probably healthy. And that leads to another stress point. Why am i working so hard at a career to make money when there will be no one to leave anything to?

The medical bills are piling up and i feel like i am drowning. I made some uninformed, uneducated decisions and now there will be at some point some financial reprecusions. I wake up in full panic mode in the middle of the night over that. I am not even sure how bad it is because i am to afraid to look into it. Mostly because i know that i do not have the money to fix it. And until i dig into it, it appears that it is being missed by the collectors.  It makes me want to walk away from my career and hope that the bad decisions never show up to destroy me. And that is all my nerves can handle. So i am not going to talk about it any more today.

There are people i need to check up on. But in my heart i know the news is not good. So i am avoiding it. And that is not like me at all.I have some health issues that i do not know how to cope with and i will not have any further information until early December.So that is eating at me. I fear that I will wear out my husband and that one day he will look at me and declare that i am just to much. I will not ever be surprised if he looks at me one day and says “get out”. I am almost to much for myself to deal with.

When my first marriage was falling apart i  dove into a fantasy world to cope. I do not want to do that now. I want to stay in the present and focus on getting better. On giving my all to my friends and family. To showing my husband the depth of my love and how grateful i am to him for loving me like he does so that i am in the place of safety to let my deep emotions flow so that i can heal and move forward. But i am scared and it is all to much some days. I am no longer in the darkness that made me suicidal. And for that i am grateful. But breathing is so hard sometimes. Fear is chocking me and locking me in place. I need to find a way out of some of this.I need to find my bold back. I am not sure where it went.

 

admitting my fear

Sitting at work i am looking at my appointment book and cringing. It is not as busy as i would like, not as busy as i think i need it to be. And i know how to fix that, I know how to hustle to boost that business. But i am afraid. Some nagging health issues are slowing me down. And until i get a clear plan of action with the Dr. I am caught in limbo. Can i stay doing this or will i need a change of career? If i need surgery, how long is my down time going to be? Will i even need surgery? The not knowing is keeping me stuck and i  hate this feeling. So i just keep sitting here wondering and worrying instead of acting. I have plans in my head but even those scare me. I know how to make this business boom but if i do that  will it affect my marriage? Other than the happiness and health of my daughter nothing is more important to me than making this marriage a long and happy one. So i am taking a deep breath and counting to 10. Taking the time to remember to practice patience and let things work themselves out.

My hands are tied

They say children should come with instruction manuals. And i think that little ones don’t need it. What is needed is one for your over 20 children. And it needs lots of chapters. Ones on how to deal when they are in a relationship and one for when that relationships goes to hell. I have tried to be a good mom, to stay out of her business unless she asks me. But it seems that now i have fucked it up again. I am at a loss. How do you know what is enough and what is to much? Her heart is broken and i understand but you have to choose to be happy, to move forward. And so much of her is like her dad, a silent brooder. I am a “lets talk this over and fix it” kind of woman.

All i can do it tell her i love her, offer to help where i can and patiently wait until she decides to talk to me. But she is driving me crazy. She is mad because she thinks i don’t make enough time for her, but refuses to talk to me cause she is mad, or ignores invitations to activities. I think she is a teenager all over again. Help me…

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