stress

So i need to ramble for a moment. To work thru the stuff in my head. I have been suffering a severe pain in my cheast. There is nothing cardiac going on. And to the best of their ability they believe it to be and ulcer in my esophegous. Severe stress induced ulcers. I go in a week for testing.

I know the sorce of my stress. My dying marriage. My sexless lonely marriage. My husband who is living in the fear that he will have another heart attack if he were to touch me. The devestation that i am not more important to him. That he would rather me leave than to face his fear.

The fact that in the last year i have had 4 physical affairs in the vian attempt to FEAL something. And the reality that all i feal is emptyness and lonelyness and despair. All of this has made my body revolt against me. I am suffering the puinishment for my mistakes.

But i am afraid. Afraid that one day i will be forced to sit down and admit to him that i am a horrible person. That i failed to be a good wife. The woman he expected me to be. That i failed to be patient and understanding for AS LONG AS IT TOOK.

So for now i can not eat or drink without pain. And i must take NITRO to get any relief from the spasms. All i want is to feel numb. Numb from the sadness, and pain, and emptyness and lonelyness. To slip into quiet darkness and never return.

conversation in my head

driving down the road the words seem to be so clear

Now if only i could say them out loud for him to hear

I love you, always have, but i feel so alone

how can you love me and not touch me

what have i done to turn you away

How can i fix it, what must i do

can it be repared

do you have a clue

If i left would you miss me

would you even care

sometimes i wonder if you even know i’m there

I need to feel your hands in mine

you touch my skin with love devine

the heat and fire that used to fill

our tangled sheets and bend my will

but i do not think you have that need

or want the us that used to be

you seem content for me to be

just the woman on your arm

a show for those we know

The picture of perfection

it’s such a lie

i am loosing my ability

to play this awful game

to keep the smile on my face

when i feel are tears

so i drive down the road

and hear things in my head

it’s not fair they are so clear

when the sky is cloudy up ahead

pearls

perfect in their imperfection

small orbs of irradessence

smooth on my skin

harkening back to a simpler time

when men were men

and women were women

marked by the purest of jewels

Not diamonds hardened by the weight of the earth

but by pearls

gifts from the ocean

created by irritation

how one small creature can take

one tiny grain of sand

and turn it into a thing of beauty

a small sweet reminder

of how we should be

taking the madness of life

and making it a joy to behold

so i wear them as my reminder

to see things in a different light

and to always be a lady

no matter what the fight

 

 

delirious

head spinnin

heart racing

face all flushed and red

he left me delirious

laying in his bed

i was unaquianted

uneducated with his ways

and so he left me satisfied

with  new and mysterious  plays

hands bound

eyes coverd

lips glazed with cherry wine

leather and lace

but a smile on my face

as he swatted my behind

the clash of leather on virgin skin

the flash of color left there

the bite of the leather

the sting of the whip

lines of love

left on my hip

i am not a women

left battered and bruised

so make no judgement

till you walk in my shoes

i give myself to him willingly

and he treats me with loving dignity

I am his pricess upon a throne

and my devotion is his alone

i have never know a love this pure

and for it i will the whip endure

lace

lace panties hugging her curves

accentuating her form

drawing his eyes to her body

drinking her in

tasting her visually

He is intoxicated by her

drunk with desire

inflamed with passion

burning, ignited by lace

shear and inviting

tantalizing, delighting

soflty caressing the roundness of her

the body of a woman in its fulness

smooth and soft

warm to the touch

like silk under his fingertips

she is a woman in the fabric of love

shear, clear, lace

sounds

my eyes closed

i can not see the world around me

i stop and hear the click of the key board

the hummm of the fan

still, sweet, almost silence

no music or people speaking

just the steady beating on my own heart in my ears

like waves crashing on the shore

my blood courses through my veins

somewhere a dog barks

challenging some unseen foe

and still the loudest sound is that of my own heart

the steady rhythem beating

i hear my breath

rising and falling

the sigh of contentment

at its release

peaceful life

calm centered mind

thoughts flowing

like the air from my lungs

nothing connected

just the mad jumble of emotions

the soft rustle of the autumn leaves

I can almost hear their colors

they chime like shiney coins

jingling in my pocket

the click of the clock

the crash of a trash truck outside

and still the loudest sound is

the beating of my own heart

my grandson, my daughter, my family

he is wild unbridled energy

eyes that sparkle with mischief

questioning everything

soaking the world in like a sponge

his tiny hands in mine

dirty little boy hands

busy exploring the world

holding on to me

i had no idea

that my heart would be this full

this bundle of trouble

dropped into my life

but this is what happend

when my daughter became his daddys wife

he is not my flesh and blood

bone of my bones

but he is a gift far greater

for he shows me what true love can be

the love of a chosen mother

the glimer in her eyes

the smile on her face

the tears that fall when he cries

things just fall into place

for she chose to be his mommy

she wanted him in her life

and she shows me ever day

that i raised her right

for she loves him with out question

takes him into her life without a care

this little bunde of mystery

the one with soft blond hair

ticking time

the clock ticking

its infernal sound

forever clicking

reminding me that all things end

counting down the moments

eating away my life

declaring there are no winners

in the end we all lose life

Damn clock upon the wall

you sit up there and stare

watching time and life

passing as you glare

We hurry and we scurry

trying to do it all

and you just sit there watching

up upon the wall

But i know a little secret

and i smile deep inside

for you will be the loser

as your batteries i hide

surrender

you may think me a fool

but i tell you now

holding on to the wheel to long

only leaves you with cramped fingers

Time has made me strong

tougher than i ever wanted to be

I stand my own ground

i fight to keep myself free

But in the darkness i often wonder

of the joy that might be found

to simply surrender

to love when it comes around

To know the safety and security

of  letting someone else

worry about tomorrow

about me and nothing else

where me biggest worry

in the early moringn light

is to look a him and ask

coffee, tea or me

not to wonder if today

i can pay the bills

or wonder what will happen

if i happen to fall ill

To simply know i’m cared for

and yes to know i’m loved

just to be his princess

his deep and truest love

And still i sit and wonder

has this chance passed me by

will i ever know

that kind of freedom, why

why did i ever fight

so hard and stand my ground

why did i just not

be the pretty girl in the crowd

night

darknes falls

enveloping me

surrounding me

drowning me

i struggle to stay in the light

I do not fear the night

but no longer wish to live in its embrace

I strive to face the sun

feel its warmth on my skin

deep within my soul

to know its eteranal love

heat flowing

love showing

the ebodyment of life

like sunflowers with their heads turned

facing it

embracing it

being fuled by it

never denying it

I do not want to live in the shadows

to never be seen by the world

to hover in its darkness

cold and alone

so i shiver in the night

and wait for the light

so that i may find a happier home

 

 

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