stress

So i need to ramble for a moment. To work thru the stuff in my head. I have been suffering a severe pain in my cheast. There is nothing cardiac going on. And to the best of their ability they believe it to be and ulcer in my esophegous. Severe stress induced ulcers. I go in a week for testing.

I know the sorce of my stress. My dying marriage. My sexless lonely marriage. My husband who is living in the fear that he will have another heart attack if he were to touch me. The devestation that i am not more important to him. That he would rather me leave than to face his fear.

The fact that in the last year i have had 4 physical affairs in the vian attempt to FEAL something. And the reality that all i feal is emptyness and lonelyness and despair. All of this has made my body revolt against me. I am suffering the puinishment for my mistakes.

But i am afraid. Afraid that one day i will be forced to sit down and admit to him that i am a horrible person. That i failed to be a good wife. The woman he expected me to be. That i failed to be patient and understanding for AS LONG AS IT TOOK.

So for now i can not eat or drink without pain. And i must take NITRO to get any relief from the spasms. All i want is to feel numb. Numb from the sadness, and pain, and emptyness and lonelyness. To slip into quiet darkness and never return.

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2 Comments

  1. lumatiza said,

    October 30, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    This is rough stuff. Nothing can be more earth shattering than marital problems yet people do work though them. It seems as though you love your husband and he loves you which is most important in this case. Seek out somebody you trust and who has experience in this area. You cannot work though this alone. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

  2. November 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Most Inspirational Blogger Award

    http://sharonlynnvanmeter.com/2012/11/02/most-inspirational-blogger

    I have nominated you!


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