watching it die

Things come to me in strange spurts. These moments of brilliant light.

He used to walk into the room and take my breath away. Even after years of marriage, if asked about him i would get all choked up and smile.

He was my world. I needed nothing else, but to feel loved by him in return. He was never an easy man. He is a perfectionist to the core. Posessive about HIS STUFF. Gets down right obsessive about things, his hobbies, his truck. I always knew he loved me but accepted i was not HIS focus. Simply a nice piece of adornment on the side. But for years it was enough. I was busy raising our daughter, building my business. Doing all the things i though made him proud of me. I worked hard, paid for nice vacations for us. Made life as financially easy as possible for him. I took care of myself. He never had to worry about me or our girl.

Now she is grow. Living on her own. And in the beginning of her moving out things seemed to be heading in the right direction. We cooked meals together, cleaned the kitchen together, shared the couch. But his heart attack changed our world. I thought i had lost him. It renewed my devotion to him. And ended his for me. He became over run by his fear. And i became the source of that fear. He hid from me the fact that he was having chest pain during sex. I became the enemy. And in time i began to feel alone. Lost, scared, wondering if OUR life would ever return.

It is almost the 2 year anniversary of his incident as he calls it. And he has made little effort to come close to me again. He sleeps wrapped in his fuzzy blankets. His cacoon of comfort, upside down in the bed. He knows it bothers me, so he tries to flip over befor the alarm clock goes off. But in the middle of the night i roll over to his feet. I could not touch him if i tried.

He has been given a clean bill of health. But wont touch me. If i broach the subject i am being pushey and not understanding. He will on occasion decide to shut me up with some physical attention. Yes he has some ED from the medication. But we never just made love in the traditional way. Still his pride keeps him from me. The doctor gave him little blue pills. A year ago he tried half of one, declared it a failure and refuses to try again. Honeslty it has left me feeling so unimportant. I am, according to one therapist, supposed to morn the loss of my sex life and be happy to have a living husband. Suck it up and move on. How am i supposed to just surrender to who i am and what i need? To give up even more. I have already lost my husband, my lover. he has changed. He is now even more focused on himself.  only a recent illness of my own has made him pay any attention to me.

He is a good man. dont get me wrong. He is kind and loving. Sweet to the point that every woman i know tells me how lucky i am. Yes good looking, but he is clueless as to his charms. He loves our daughter but is a bit of a hard ass some times. Expects the world to live up to his traditional standards of life. But he does not need people. He only needs his toys to be content. We have no social life, few friends. None we go out with. If it were not for my job i would have no circle of people i call friend.  He wants me with him on weekends and evenings. He says he never sees me. But even when we are together he is off doing his stuff and does not include me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am lost, sad, alone, needy. How long am i supposed to be like this? Waiting for him to come back to be? Wondering if i will ever be the focus of his world, the way he has been mine.

I watched him undress last night in preperation to get a shower. A sight that once made my little heart pound. And felt nothing. The realization of that cut me to the core. And then i began to wonder, does the sight of me naked move him at all anymore, or is it just another day in our life?

I feel like a stranger sitting on the outside watching this marriage die. Like a plant left in the sun to long, with an owner who refuses to water it. It has held on until its last leaf had hit the ground. The roots dug in deep, praying for even a drop to sustain them. Never surrendering, never giving up hope. Staring at a rain cloud over head. Knowing that in the end, it will wither and die from want. How long, how long do i wait? or do i just accept it and live in a dry desolate lonely desert of a life?


1 Comment

  1. hiddinsight said,

    November 28, 2012 at 2:07 am

    Let him read this.

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