life at the moment

the past couple of days have been ones of reflection.
My body has demanded that i be still. So my mind has run wild.
And in that running i have come to some clarity.
In general my life is good. I live with a man who loves me.
But sadly he does not have the ability to love me as i need.
I will continue to work on my therapy. to help myself heal. To focus on the good in my life. To become less bitter and angry.
It is ok that i do not feel the ability in me to settle for a life that is less than one filled with love and PASSION.
It does not make me an evil woman. It simply makes me a woman who needs to feel, love and passion, and desired.

time will heal all wounds. I know this, i believe this.
And in the end i will have the love that i need.
Because out there is someone who needs me as badly as i need them.

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decisions

So i have made a big one. I am going to move my business into a smaller location. This is a good thing but so hard for me.
The idea that i am a failure is a hard one. But I know that i am not. It is jsut that things have changed. Money is tighter. And now i am re investing all of my money into the business. It is making me feel resentful. I want o have the ability to enjoy things from time to time. To buy theater tickets for myself. And then actually go.
To not feel guilty for buying things for my daughter to make her life easier.

So in the next few weeks i will we on the move. Letting go of some of the things i have aquired that fill my shop. Things that once held emotions for me that no longer do. Seeing them as just STUFF. I am not a keeper of much but i do from time to time tend to hold on to things that i do not need.

I think that down sizing will actually be a healthy thing for me. And i know that financially it will make breathing alot easier too.

Wish me luck.

The blessings in my life

As of late i have spent alot of time having a melt down about what is wrong in my life and my marriage.
But today i am going to count my blessings. I need to do that to re focus and get my shit straight.

First of all i am grateful to be alive and to be healthy.
For the health of those i hold dear to me.
For my business, that sometimes stresses me out, but is a job i love.
For being able to bring joy into other peoples lives.
For the ability to write. Without it i would have gone mad.
For the people i love. Even if they sometimes drive me to the egde of madness.
For those who have shown me i am more than the sum of my parts. And stronger than i imagined.
For my online friends who have supported me when i was so close to the egde, and have drug me back from it.
For my daughter who without i would have taken my life in despair years ago. my love for her kept me from suicide in my darkest moments.
For my husband, who put me thur beauty school, giving me the career i love.
For the mistakes i have made, becuase they taught me lessons that i needed, even if they were painful.
For the man who holds me up when i am down, because he only wants my happiness, even if that is wiithout him.

There are so many more. But at this moment i can not see them because the tears have filled my eyes. I have looked away from the good because my heart has been heavy with the bad for some time.

In this time of madness in the world i hope we all take a moment to count our blessings..

Much Love…

how you know you are loved

you talk in passing about life. the things you like, your hopes and dreams and wishes.
the one day out of the blue those little things show up on your front door.
It may even be something you don’t remember even talking about.
Or something you thought about but somehow they knew.
Any one can do big things, showy things.
But someone who loves you picks up on all of the little things.
things most people would let slide as insignificant.
But to you they are as big is the Taj Mahal.
Every little grain of sand in the Mojave desert
becuase without the little things nothing else really matters.
When someone listens to songs with new ears because they know how much you love music.
And when they love the look on your face when you hear that song for the first time.
When they secretly listen to you sing or talk to yourself about silly things and they don’t call you crazy.

You see it is a million LITTLE THINGS
That all add up to really BIG LOVE

positive

The therapist said i was to begin writing in a more positive frame of mind.
Well i am positively pissed off. Does the world ever stop needing shit from me?
I am tired and stressed from the emotional drain of spilling shit to the therapist.
I am busting my ass at work to make a living, and some days having a hard time of it.
I am running shopping errands for friends who live in the next state.
And mailing their christmas gifts.
My son in law to be asked very sweetly for a loan, which i gave, there goes my x mas gift money from clients.
so no shopping for myself until it is paid back. But if my daughter is any indication i will never see that 140 again.
Then my baby girl calls me and asks me to go house sit at the job she is supposed to be at so that they can supriese HIS MOM
by sowing up tonight instead of tomorrow. I am trying not to be bitter, she just lost her mom. But i am worn out from giving and giving to everyone with nothing in return.
Am i being a petty bitch or is it simply not so much to ask for them to think of me from time to time?
I would never tell them no if it was in my power to help.
But i am drained and stressed and tired and need held dammit.
I am so sure this is not what the therapist had in mind. but if i did not get it out i was going to explode. As it is i think i will just go to bed and have a good cry. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. And then i can find something positive to write.

On a nice note, my husband did stop by work and say Hi. of course that was afer he spent over an hour yacking about guns with his buddy across the street. And to ask me if i had any ideas about dinner? I still had another hour of work to do and a 30 min drive home? What did he really want from me? Lord i am a bitch tonight.

therapy begins

looking at the world a little differenlty right now.
No my husband will never change. And i am sure my marriage is dead.
But it is not about him. It is however about me.
How i view myslef and my life and my future.
So i will be writing more about the positives in my life.
Focusing on healing my own wounds and less on begging him to fix his.
Taking time to take better care of myself.
Having less stress where possible.
Taking better care of my health, actually eating food instead of cocktails
and walking and more yoga.
I need to feel happier in my own skin, in my own brain and in my own heart.

Thankfully i have someone in my life who constantly reminds me that i am more than i think
And for him i am beyond grateful. because with out his loving support i would of lost my mind
completly long ago. So i take this one day at a time, one breath at a time until i learn to breath on my own.

Music, Marriage, therapy and faith

I have been looking for a lost CD for weeks. But in my search i have uncovered some music that i had not listend to in a long time. Playing it has brought back memories, opened my heart when it was threatening to shut itself up, and made me happy. It also seems to be the soundtrak that i need to have my husband listen too.
So many songs about love and loss. Lyric about how i am tired of fighting about moving on.

Kelly Clarksons.. the war is over
Avril Lavign… not enough
Lionel Richie.. Sail on
Jewel… no more heartaches
Greyson Chance.. waiting outside the lines
Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings… better things
Norah Jones… Happy Pills
Sara Bareilles… The light
Orfeh…look at me now….Last time i cry…What do you want from me? ( honestly, i have lived this song with him. and i quit)

I want to be happy, to be loved, to be cherished, to be a part of someones life not just their comfortable place to land. I need to get as good as i give, and i have given him my all since i was 18. I never questioned his decisions. I gave up on the things i loved becuase he is not a people person, (unless it is the archery or gun range). My life has been his, and not a moment of it truly mine. I can not go into another year giving up, giving in, letting go of everything that i am. It has been a hard road to get this far. I have had to look at my life without the rose colored glasses, given up on the fairy tale.
Been honest with myself in the hardest of ways. But if i stay i will die, nothing drastic and fast, but a slow sad death. I will give up on everything that my heart holds dear. And i refuse to let go of even one more molecue of myself.

The therapy starts on Thursday. I am going to lay it all on the line, be honest no matter how painful. And then i am going to ask him one last time to go to therapy. Alone, with me, something, anything. Then either there is a miracle and we find a way to become different people, or i hand in my marriage card. Either way i will know that i did all i could. That i tried, with all that i am to fix it.

I am not a church going woman. My family made sure of that. Faith for me is a hard thing. But i honeslty beg of the lord, where ever he may be, to give me wisdome. To not act in rashness. To be openminded, and openhearted. But most of all to be stronger than i really am. And to know the truth when i see it. Even if it is not pretty. Even if it is painful. Give me hope,give me strength.

and then there are moments

He makes me insane. His infernal lack of need for physical intimacy.
Then he has those moments, where he comes to sit by me on the couch, holds my hand, lays his head on my shoulder.
He actually told me it was nice to hear me sing. of course it was a full 24 hours after the fact. But still.
He kissed me, actual kisses. Not chicken pecks. And as usual at 10:30 on a sunday night some 6 weeks since the last time he touched me, he hinted at it agian. Offered to rub lotion on my back, and maybe my front. His idea of for play.
I gently told him i was fine, Thanks for the offer.
He got into bed, him in his fuzzy blanket, me in the actual covers.. And began stroking my arm as he lay on my shoulder.
Why after an entire weekend together in the same house, does he NOW decide to be intimate? I was angry. I ignored his advances. I can not take the token 5 minutes once every 6 weeks at 10 something on a sunday night.

I wrote him a letter earlier in the day. Laying it all on the line. San by funny truth is i went back into my old journals.
And i have been begging for his attention since 1997.. years of me wanting more. Begging for him to show me as much attention as his guns or his archery equipment.

I am done… the letter is at the house, waiting…

A few more days and i am going to give it to him… the end is at hand.. my broken heart can take no more.

all he needs

watching a movie. He comes to sit by me on the couch. Holds my hand. leans his head on my shoulder. that is all he needs. It fills the physical contact for him. for me it creates pain. Deep and sorrowful.
To survive it i shut down, guard my heart, lock it up.
And others wonder why the walls are so high.
It is because this is all he needs.

Parties and life

Last night was an eyeopener for me. A b day party for a dear friend.
I was to go to another one alone, but when a friend scheduled one for her husband on the same night i was left with a decision. Go to one alone, or go to the second and take advantage of the ability to drag my Husband out into a social setting. He has never been good with people so we have few friends.It has made for a quiet and sometimes lonely life. So i chose, and we went. With beer in hand, arrived at promptly 7 pm. Laughter filled the house and food and drinks were plentiful. He of course did not have a single drink. Thru the course of a very long evening i had 2 beers, one Jack and coke, one shot of b day cake tequilla,(yummy) and one shot of Honey burbon. And yes lots of snacking and WATER.
I kicked aside me inner chicken shit voice and grabbed the karaoke mike and had a blast. Most of us danced and sang and laughed until at 1 am, he gently dictated it was time to head home. My stomach hurt from laughing so hard, my voice was muted from singing along to one to many 80’s hair bands. And my arms were sufficiently scratched from my sequins top. And yes, for once i noticed the glances from the other men in the room. I wonder if he did?
I had fun!!!! And it was pointed out to me that he appeared bored to tears. But he was gracious and did not push for us to leave. Today i am still impressed with myself for the letting lose. I work hard at always being APPROPRIATE. But i know that this too was just one passing moment in our lives where he LET ME HAVE FUN.
I am sick of being treated like a wayward child who once every 10 years or so is granted one night. I am tired of living like CINDER ELLA I WANT TO BE CINDERELLA.

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