Music, Marriage, therapy and faith

I have been looking for a lost CD for weeks. But in my search i have uncovered some music that i had not listend to in a long time. Playing it has brought back memories, opened my heart when it was threatening to shut itself up, and made me happy. It also seems to be the soundtrak that i need to have my husband listen too.
So many songs about love and loss. Lyric about how i am tired of fighting about moving on.

Kelly Clarksons.. the war is over
Avril Lavign… not enough
Lionel Richie.. Sail on
Jewel… no more heartaches
Greyson Chance.. waiting outside the lines
Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings… better things
Norah Jones… Happy Pills
Sara Bareilles… The light
Orfeh…look at me now….Last time i cry…What do you want from me? ( honestly, i have lived this song with him. and i quit)

I want to be happy, to be loved, to be cherished, to be a part of someones life not just their comfortable place to land. I need to get as good as i give, and i have given him my all since i was 18. I never questioned his decisions. I gave up on the things i loved becuase he is not a people person, (unless it is the archery or gun range). My life has been his, and not a moment of it truly mine. I can not go into another year giving up, giving in, letting go of everything that i am. It has been a hard road to get this far. I have had to look at my life without the rose colored glasses, given up on the fairy tale.
Been honest with myself in the hardest of ways. But if i stay i will die, nothing drastic and fast, but a slow sad death. I will give up on everything that my heart holds dear. And i refuse to let go of even one more molecue of myself.

The therapy starts on Thursday. I am going to lay it all on the line, be honest no matter how painful. And then i am going to ask him one last time to go to therapy. Alone, with me, something, anything. Then either there is a miracle and we find a way to become different people, or i hand in my marriage card. Either way i will know that i did all i could. That i tried, with all that i am to fix it.

I am not a church going woman. My family made sure of that. Faith for me is a hard thing. But i honeslty beg of the lord, where ever he may be, to give me wisdome. To not act in rashness. To be openminded, and openhearted. But most of all to be stronger than i really am. And to know the truth when i see it. Even if it is not pretty. Even if it is painful. Give me hope,give me strength.

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2 Comments

  1. lumatiza said,

    December 19, 2012 at 2:28 am

    This is such a difficult situation. I am praying for you.

  2. December 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    Reblogged this on WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS.


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