a few days ago in my personal journal i wrote about acceptance. How to me it felt like surrender, like death. The end, giving up. But today it feels different, less drama, less trauma.
As if i have found the positive side of acceptance.
I can let go. Right now i am not sure exactly what i am letting go of. But i can tell you it is easier to breath. The crushing weight that has been sitting on my heart does not feel so heavy.
No he has not changed. there was no midnight magic that brought me back my once loving and passionate husband. He is as he has always been. Happy to be outside in the cold with his archery equipment at the ready in case the Monster Buck shows up. Then mr cave man will show up and bring home meat. I still somehow find this charming. But i also realize that those are his ways of dealing with life. The things that the therapist said one had to do to FILL THEIR OWN CUP. To find your own joy. I have been writing. Pure utter foolish fantasy. Not a hint of sexual inuendo in it. Just a girl escaping reality in her own fairy tale, fantasy world filled with all of her child hood friends.
white rabbits, emerald castles, singing mermaids, time lords and their companions and the safest happiest place of all for me the beach.
You see, i have decided to fill my own cup. To embrace the people in my life who make me smile. Even from thousands of miles away.
To take the words that are in my head and use them to express all of my silly girl stuff.
I do not know where this blog is going. It will follow my emotions of the day. Happiness, love, sadness, frusteration, joy, madness, desire, passion, fulfillment, despair and utter flights of fancy.
But it will be me.. all of me. Unsensored unfiltered, and honest.
It will not be for the feint of heart or for those who live a more puritanical life. There will be moments of lustfull desire here. Because i will not lock that part of me away simply because my husband refuses to partake.
there will be the reality that i am a bi sexual woman, even though that is hard for someone in particular to face. But remember that life is a choice of action or in action. Writing the words of ones desires does not mean that i am munching on anyones muff. I need to let it all out. Stop hiding all of who i am for the comfort of other people.
I have always had a strong affinity for the New Year. Something about starting fresh and new. Of that moment to begin again. to let go of the old hate filled past, of harbored resentments. And to embrace with my entire heart the utter impossibilites to come. That each day has its own magic. And that it is within our power to embrace it or ignore it. Like alice in wonderland i think of impossible things every day. And i want to make them possible. I want to find the magic in life again. The fun in life again.

Tomorrow i go back to work and begin sorting out the shop. Giving up on the clutter that has filled my life and finding only what is really needed to make people feel as beautiful as they really are. That is what i do, i see the shiny center that we each have and i help set it free. I am going to embrace the changes to come and once again light my inner fire. To feel the heat inside and let it warm those around me and remember that standing to close to the flames might get you burnt. But that a nice singe from time to time only reminds you that you are alive and that you could probably stand to take one step back. Because you can not see the beauty of life if you are standing to close. It requires some distance for one t6o take in the whole of life and see it for all of the wonderful colors it holds.

Happy New Year,
Happy New Day
Happy New Life… in what ever form it comes… I am finally ready.


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