How did it happen?

There are so many things i wonder about.

How did my marriage get into this state? When did it really start falling apart?

Was it me who changed, or him?  Hell i know that i changed. I am no longer capable of sitting at his side silently giving up on all that i adore while doing all that he loves.

I am no longer capable of biting my tongue when he says or does something that hurts my feelings. Even though i have for years. But was it always this way? Did he always put himself first? Was i just blind to it, or ignorant to the fact that marriage was a give and take and not just a give?

I am working on myself. Trying to take better care of me, mentally and physically.

I am in counseling. Being forced to see myself thru different eyes. Honest eyes.

Less emotional eyes. And it has not been easy. It will only get harder. But i am less angry. The anger of expecting him to be different. To magically wake up with the passionate man that he once was.

He has retreated into himself. Into the safety of his own world. I can not enter there, because he has guraded the key. He has locked me out. And when i dare to speak, his only response any more is, ALL I  DO IS MAKE YOU MAD.

He does not know that i am not angry, i am hurt. But even as i write this i know i must let go of even that. Let go of the hurt. That he has retreated so far that he can no longer see an exit. Or maybe he does but does not want out of his security, of his safety.

All i know at this point is that i will not live in the insanity. I will not keep asking him to change. I thought that if he loved me enough he would. But it has nothing to do with love. He loves me in his own way. As much now as he ever did. But in his eyes, if i loved him more, i would be ok with things as they are. I would accept a life without physical contact. I would be ok sleeping next to a man who will not touch me, can not touch me.

But i am not. I need more, i want more, i deserve more.

I have so much to give. I feel deeply, i love even deeper.

I will not settle for a life that is just OK. I know that the path ahead is a hard one.

But i am strong, and i will be ok.

Advertisements

5 Comments

  1. hiddinsight said,

    January 11, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    Yes. You deserve more. You sound like you are well on your way to discovering all that that means. I am proud of you, so proud.

  2. Kayla Lords said,

    January 12, 2013 at 1:12 am

    Yes are you and yes you will be. ((Hugs))

  3. January 15, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    Sounds like you are in the middle of some hard times. Please be gentle to yourself and take the time you need to get through this. ♥

    • loneyheart said,

      January 15, 2013 at 7:37 pm

      Thank you. I am indeed in a rough place. When a marriage falls apart your heart breaks. But the strong survive and move forward. Thankfully i have someone who holds me up when it all gets to hard.

      • January 15, 2013 at 7:39 pm

        I am glad that you have that person to help you during this difficult time. It is very difficult when a marriage doesn’t work. I know that too well also. Even when it is for the best, it still is difficult.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: