the two me’s

today my head is a jumble. All of the moments in my life that brought me to this place.

Probably sparked by the phone call yesterday. My mom, a damaged soul, reaching out after so many years. But nothing in her has changed. She is still the bitter sad woman she has been all of my life. Blaming others for her problems.

It got me thinking. I don’t want to be like her. My faults are my own. Yes they were born from damage, scars left on my young mind by past abuse. But it is how i choose to deal with them that will define who i am.

Which brings me to this…. There are two of me!! There are two or three of most of us. It is the acceptance of this fact that escapes most. We have sides and edges and centers. We are multi deminsional. My two sides are as polar opposite as you can get.

The Dominate Diva, self assured, confidant, and in control. Manipulator of men and women, who uses her sexuality like a fine cutting tool. She is also a master business woman. There is no equal to her. She will take you down without a thought. She is ruthless and devinely sexy.

The other side of me is????

Well she has two sides too. One that is a cowering little girl. Afraid and alone, but obedient and loyal and submissive. But in all the ways that mess with your head. She is a sub out of fear. To many times her head and heart and body were used for the entertainment of those who only ment to damage and use up. They left behind a shattered shell of a girl that used to be.

BUT…

There is the other half of her… Submissive out of want, need, desire, lust, and yes love.

She has given of herself because she wants to. Because it feels right. It is inspired and exciting and easy. Because he has given her a soft, safe place to land. To let herself go with abandon. To not be ashamed of the sensuality or sexuality of her innermost soul.

It is the gift in life that lets you find a way to merge all of the pieces of who you are into one full, whole, functioning human being. I am a work in progress. Each day trying to take all of my parts and make myself, not a fragmented person, but one piece.

I think we often go thru life not grasping many things. But to stop and realize that we are not simply what we appear to be. But that we are multi facted jewels. That is devine.

I like my pieces, my fragemented egdes. The hard pointed pieces. The soft parts with no true form. The damaged and dented parts that need filler and a coat of paint. And one day i will look in the mirror and with pride say, I am whole.

On that day…. look out. I will be a force of nature to be reconed with.

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6 Comments

  1. kitten said,

    January 22, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    We are all created out of the sadness and joys of our youth. It affects us but does not define us, it is a piece of the puzzle but never the whole picture.

    I understand how you feel, the prospect of dealing with my family often puts me back into the head space I had as a child and teen.

    Remember though, it’s not about what happens to you, but how you react to what happens to you.

    • loneyheart said,

      January 22, 2013 at 6:50 pm

      there was a time when that phone call would of sent me into a black spiral. But instead it opened me up to think and accept and let go. I am growing every day into a better woman.

  2. obeyme15 said,

    January 22, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    You continually knock down walls and barriers :and as you do you become more polished and refined, I love watching you grow and succeed in all these things. You make me more proud everyday and continue to please me beyond measure. I am grateful you’ve given yourself of to me. I will continue to help you, protect you and LOVE you.

    • loneyheart said,

      January 22, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      i am smiling so big my cheeks hurt.
      In all i am, and in all i do, i want to bring you pride. To make you beam with me on your arm.
      Thank you MY MASTER

  3. hiddinsight said,

    January 22, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Beautifully thought out and written. I love this šŸ™‚


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