perfection in every way

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my precarious perch

nude on swing

I think i need my head examined. I will not give him up. Not now, not at this moment. He brings joy to my life that i can not express. Yes there is sadness too. I want him in my hands. He already fills my heart.

But i know that i must be honest and see if my marriage is salvagable. Can my husband actually maintain the changes i need from him. To put me first in his life ahead of his toys. To consider the things in life that bring me happiness, even if he is not fond of them. To be my partner in this life. For now he is trying. But… i do not think it will last. He has always been a spoiled man. And if i do not constantly push i do not think it is in him to make it stick.

 

So for now i am sitting on a very precarious perch. One that sways with the wind. I go from one extreme to another. Wanting my marriage to work, to wanting to live firmly under the hand of my Master. He has made me feel special from the first moment. He makes me feel like his princess every day. It is not something he needs to try to do. To him it is as natural as breathing.  My husband on the other hand, has to work at it. He has to think about making me the focus of his life.

 

I will sit here on my perch for now and take my time. I will sort things out until they make sence. And hope the wind blows gently.

Pull the trigger!!!

I wish someone would. My heart is broken in ways that i can not fix. I am full of self doubt and self loathing. I should be happy. My husband has stepped up in a big way. Showing me the man i married years ago. Saddly it has left me torn. Part of me is pissed becuase i was done, ready to walk, finished. I had shut off my heart to him. I had quit chasing after what he would not give to me. But my therapist said, dear is it not funny how when you stopped chasing him, you gave him room to come to you? NO its not funny. It is sad and frusterating and…..

Then there is my Master. A man who has filled all of the empty in me with love. The man who spoke words he really did not mean. Baby.. if you can find the happiness you once had with him agian then do it. All i want is your happiness…. LIE!!!  He wants my happiness. But he wants it with him. The good honest man in him ment those words. But like me his heart betrayed him. 

So here we are, two broken souls. Wanting what we do not have, having what we do not want. And unable to stand up and make a move. Trapped in some stupid mess called love. Yes LOVE. It is not lust or some silly kid game. We fell in love with each other. Knowing the other was in a situation that did not let them be fully free. Having some blind faith that we were the ones who could make it work. Against all odds. We were going to be the ones to defy them.

My hands shake, my heart feals like a crushed and mangled thing. I do not know which way to turn. If i stay, the changes may last, or may only be for a short time, and i lose my Master. And therefor my heart.  If i go, i will have to be the other woman. At least for a time. Second to a woman who has treated my Master like a beating post. Not so much in the physical, but she has broken a wonderful man. And i fr

I feel helpless and powerless. Lost. And i wish that i could just be put out of my misery and find that peace and happiness i have been longing for. But i am beginning to think i do not deserve it. Becuase just when i think i have found it, something happens to knock me down again..

to give expecting nothing…?

nothing in return

I saw this quote and i wondered if in reality that were true? Can you give of your all and expect nothing in return? The i paused and realized that for many years i did just that. I gave my all to a man who did not appreciate it. Did not even realize what i was doing. And gave me nothing in return. For years i was content. I thought i was happy. But somewhere something changed. I realized that love, real, true, hones,t deep love is a give and take. If you give all of yourself it is only logical to expect someone elses all in return. Love is like food. It feeds the soul. And love that is given and never returned leaves one party full and the other starving and neglected.

So at this point i begin to wonder, can the person who was so blatently the taker can learn to be a giver? Or is that just candy colored fantasy?  Do people really change? Or are they just who they are? Can they want to change deep in their hearts? And if so are they capable of long term growth and action?

I have heard WORDS.  Those who have, in moments of fear said they will do anything.

But i wonder if they have what is needed to make those words ACTIONS.

Life is a challenge. Often for the good. But……

When things get really hard. Who will stand beside you and show you they love you and who will fall? Who has lots of words and who would fall on thier sword to protect your heart?

I hope that in the end i am  a person of action and not one of words. That i can give jsut as good as i get, if not better. And that when it comes to love, i am a shower, not just a colorful lingquistic.

How life changes

head bang

I have my last therapy session. I was in short term.. specific counseling. I have been suffering serious depression. Life just was kicking my ass. Honestly i was the one kicking

I was so focused on the lack of sex in my marriage. Then i began to pick it all apart. To pick myself apart. None of that was helpful or healthy.  I turned a basically good man  into and evil ogre. After months and months of trying to talk to him. Begging him to talk to me. Of trying to fix what was so broken, i quit. I started taking care of myself. Joined the gym. Moved my business to a smaller cheeper location. Stopped obsessing over him and started working on me. The loving doting wife just became the woman who slept in the same house. And when i did not do anything for him for Valentines, he took notice.

Now he wants to talk. He is terrified of turning 50 and being single. But it is all words. The therapist says i need to trust the change. To embrace it. I on the other hand, do not. I believe that time will show that he is who he is and that what is first in his life is himself. In my life he was always first. Then our daughter then, work, then friends and me if there was anything left.  My soul desire was his happiness.

Only a recent posting here helped me see that my naturally submissive ways were given to a man who had no clue. Instead of cherishing them and nurturing them he ran them and me over. When he would ask me what i wanted and i told him what ever you want. It was just me giving to him. He never consideded that there were things i did want to do but that his happiness came first to me. That it was in essence his job to give me the things that i wanted. Not for me to demand them. He was just supposed to know me well enough to give them to me of his own will. in his own desire for my happiness.

 

So i sit here wondering about life. Do i dare to risk it and give him a shot? Do i try to explain to him the submissive heart? Will he even grasp it? Is he to selfish and set in his ways to embrace something new?

OR… Do i just walk away? I know that out there in this world is a man who truly does get me. >

this was like a light into my life… thank you

On today of all days… thank you for sharing…

I NEED YOU TO NEED ME

anne-rice_the-wolf-gift_jacketHe never knew how much He longed for her until He found her. She was a dream He had had since He was a child and yet she was real. He could hold her. Touch her. Smell her. Kiss her. Love her. And one day…dominate her. No amount of time was enough so He cherished every moment. Every breath they took together was magic. There was a fire about her that ignited something deep inside of Him. He wanted to claim her as His, control her mind, mark her body, and unite her soul with His…..

CabinWolfHead

She had been broken for so long. Lost and not knowing what she wanted anymore. Lies and being hurt was all there was; until she found Him. He calmed the turmoil that raged inside of her. She slowly began to open her mind. To accept His guidance and trust His control. She began to…

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leather or a stand of pearls. it does not matter. My collar binds me to you.

just in case he needed a reminder.. yes my master this is what i need.

surrenderedtosir

I need Sir to steal all my inhibitions, crave me, desire to guide me, make me his Again & again, spank me, push my limits like he alone is able, tempt me with his huge cock and let me preform for him alone use me to his great satisfaction until he is saciated and then hold me tight & safe as we drift off until his desire rises again and I am the lucky one to fulfill his EVERY desperate whim, deepest darkest desire or simple pleasure. 

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The end is near

shattered heart

I see my marriage dying. I has been for a long time. Probably longer than i care to admit.

I wonder where i went wrong. If i could of fixed it befor it got this bad. And the truth is all i could of done is be a louder, bolder woman. Pushed his feet to the fire. Been the dominate one. But that would of made other issues. Instead i was docile and quiet and easy. I never ruffled feathers. I financially took care of myself and my baby girl. So he was afforded the ability to use his money as he saw fit. I worked hard to make his life as easy as i could. I thought it was my job becuase he married me. I am no one special. I am a messed up girl from a messed up home. He was pure and innocent when we married.  I had been a pass around party toy for the grown men in my life. And still he kept me. I owed him to be a good wife, because i was not…. well i was just not…

 

And still things have gone horribly pear shaped. I don’t love him. I am not in love with him. He pulled away from me in a physical nature long ago. And i have tried to understand. To live in this life.  I read and go to counseling. Trying to find a way to be at peace with my sexless passionless marriage.  I know that if it were something we had sat down and agreed on together it would be hard but. It wasn’t. He decided we were no longer physical. He made the choice that since his is riddled with fear that he will use his medication as an excuse for his inability to perform as he thinks he should. And that if he can not be a REAL man then he will not be intimate with me at all. Even though our sexuall life was not always traditional. He refuses me something so basic. And something he was told flat out. MOST WOMEN BOND TO THIER MATES THROUGH SEX.

I do not feel bonded to him any more. The sad look on his face tells me he knows. But he will never utter those words. He would choose to live in this half life than to step out of his comfort zone. My heart is shattered. There are days when i think i have faced it, can move on with some ease. And others when the sight of him brings me to tears. He was once a man to be reconed with. He is now and empty husk of what once was.

I no longer desire him, crave him, want him. All i want any more is for him to let me go. His hugs are painful. His little acts of kindness, hurtful. He does not graps the depth of my pain. And i am sure i do not grasp the depth of his. But we are not working on this together. I have battled it alone. And the final battle call has been sounded. There are no more warriors left. Their blood has all been spilled upon the field. And all there is left to do is have the women bury their men and mourn.

I mourn.

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