The end is near

shattered heart

I see my marriage dying. I has been for a long time. Probably longer than i care to admit.

I wonder where i went wrong. If i could of fixed it befor it got this bad. And the truth is all i could of done is be a louder, bolder woman. Pushed his feet to the fire. Been the dominate one. But that would of made other issues. Instead i was docile and quiet and easy. I never ruffled feathers. I financially took care of myself and my baby girl. So he was afforded the ability to use his money as he saw fit. I worked hard to make his life as easy as i could. I thought it was my job becuase he married me. I am no one special. I am a messed up girl from a messed up home. He was pure and innocent when we married.  I had been a pass around party toy for the grown men in my life. And still he kept me. I owed him to be a good wife, because i was not…. well i was just not…

 

And still things have gone horribly pear shaped. I don’t love him. I am not in love with him. He pulled away from me in a physical nature long ago. And i have tried to understand. To live in this life.  I read and go to counseling. Trying to find a way to be at peace with my sexless passionless marriage.  I know that if it were something we had sat down and agreed on together it would be hard but. It wasn’t. He decided we were no longer physical. He made the choice that since his is riddled with fear that he will use his medication as an excuse for his inability to perform as he thinks he should. And that if he can not be a REAL man then he will not be intimate with me at all. Even though our sexuall life was not always traditional. He refuses me something so basic. And something he was told flat out. MOST WOMEN BOND TO THIER MATES THROUGH SEX.

I do not feel bonded to him any more. The sad look on his face tells me he knows. But he will never utter those words. He would choose to live in this half life than to step out of his comfort zone. My heart is shattered. There are days when i think i have faced it, can move on with some ease. And others when the sight of him brings me to tears. He was once a man to be reconed with. He is now and empty husk of what once was.

I no longer desire him, crave him, want him. All i want any more is for him to let me go. His hugs are painful. His little acts of kindness, hurtful. He does not graps the depth of my pain. And i am sure i do not grasp the depth of his. But we are not working on this together. I have battled it alone. And the final battle call has been sounded. There are no more warriors left. Their blood has all been spilled upon the field. And all there is left to do is have the women bury their men and mourn.

I mourn.

Advertisements

14 Comments

  1. February 8, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    I feel your pain more than you can know – because I could have written much of that myself. YOU will survive. YOU are worthy. never ever let his rejection tell you otherwise. Hugs.

  2. CAWhite said,

    February 8, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    All I can think about after reading this is the amazing relationship you will have with a new man once you’ve moved on.

    • loneyheart said,

      February 8, 2013 at 6:13 pm

      i know that happiness is in my grasp if only i an not afraid to reach out and take hold.

  3. February 8, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    I remember this heartache, I remember being on the other end and causing. There are no winners. My heart hurts for you.

    • loneyheart said,

      February 8, 2013 at 6:14 pm

      Thank you. But i know the way out. I have just stood at the door to long waiting for him to change.

  4. kitten said,

    February 8, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    I cannot tell you how much your story resonated with me. I was with someone who would not share my bed, would close his eyes the few times we did have sex and imagine someone else. I was made to feel like I did not contribute enough, even though his money went to booze and drugs. I felt as though I didn’t deserve more because I was so broken. All I can say is you do deserve more…..mourn but do not loose sight of the fact that you need certain things, and that is not selfish or wrong, it’s human nature and your right!

    • loneyheart said,

      February 8, 2013 at 6:16 pm

      Thank you. We survive in spite of those who would break out hearts.

      • kitten said,

        February 8, 2013 at 6:17 pm

        And we will thrive because we know we deserve no less….and because we are too stubborn to accept less

      • loneyheart said,

        February 8, 2013 at 6:19 pm

        especially once we have been shown that we are better than we knew. I am a beautiful woman with much to offer someone worthy of my attention.

      • kitten said,

        February 8, 2013 at 6:20 pm

        Yes! You are, we both are and there are men out there who will be good partners and amazing lovers for us

  5. MaríMar said,

    February 16, 2013 at 2:15 am

    I am sorry. 😦

  6. mlbk7 said,

    February 16, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    Its seems you tried so very hard to make it work. I was always the one who was so accommodating too and i would do everything in my power to bring joy and happiness, not only into the bedroom, but everywhere and into everything until he got so terminally ill. The thing is, even though i am soon to be a widow though, i know that if i had one great relationship. I am capable of having another. i hope someday i will be able to share my life with someone. i have so much to give and i think you do as well. BTW…Every time i read your stories my heart breaks.

    • loneyheart said,

      February 17, 2013 at 2:13 am

      Don’t suffer a broken heart. Life is a journey. some days good some not so much. But love is around every corner if you just embrace it in all of its forms.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: