How life changes

head bang

I have my last therapy session. I was in short term.. specific counseling. I have been suffering serious depression. Life just was kicking my ass. Honestly i was the one kicking

I was so focused on the lack of sex in my marriage. Then i began to pick it all apart. To pick myself apart. None of that was helpful or healthy.  I turned a basically good man  into and evil ogre. After months and months of trying to talk to him. Begging him to talk to me. Of trying to fix what was so broken, i quit. I started taking care of myself. Joined the gym. Moved my business to a smaller cheeper location. Stopped obsessing over him and started working on me. The loving doting wife just became the woman who slept in the same house. And when i did not do anything for him for Valentines, he took notice.

Now he wants to talk. He is terrified of turning 50 and being single. But it is all words. The therapist says i need to trust the change. To embrace it. I on the other hand, do not. I believe that time will show that he is who he is and that what is first in his life is himself. In my life he was always first. Then our daughter then, work, then friends and me if there was anything left.  My soul desire was his happiness.

Only a recent posting here helped me see that my naturally submissive ways were given to a man who had no clue. Instead of cherishing them and nurturing them he ran them and me over. When he would ask me what i wanted and i told him what ever you want. It was just me giving to him. He never consideded that there were things i did want to do but that his happiness came first to me. That it was in essence his job to give me the things that i wanted. Not for me to demand them. He was just supposed to know me well enough to give them to me of his own will. in his own desire for my happiness.

 

So i sit here wondering about life. Do i dare to risk it and give him a shot? Do i try to explain to him the submissive heart? Will he even grasp it? Is he to selfish and set in his ways to embrace something new?

OR… Do i just walk away? I know that out there in this world is a man who truly does get me. >

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8 Comments

  1. rheath40 said,

    February 19, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    My dear, I say go for it. Go to your Pirate. I would. In a beat of my heart, I would.

    • loneyheart said,

      February 19, 2013 at 8:51 pm

      every beat of my heart begs to be with him. I have not know such happiness. But the logical well behaved side of me says to give my husband one last chance. I don’t think he deserves it. I don’t think he deserves me. Thank you for your kindness. I pray that my Pirate does not lose faith in me while i finish finding my way.

      • rheath40 said,

        February 19, 2013 at 8:54 pm

        You’ll do what’s right. Remember we must be gentle with ourselves. We may hurt and be lonely at times, but there is something better out there for us. Know that there is.

      • rheath40 said,

        February 20, 2013 at 1:31 am

        Sweetheart email me at shygirl4429@yahoo.com. We need to chat. I got a story for you.You wanna hear it.

        Love, Renee

  2. Kayla Lords said,

    February 20, 2013 at 1:55 am

    If he’s only changing now that he sees you changing, I don’t blame you. There comes a point in life when you need to follow your heart.

    • loneyheart said,

      February 20, 2013 at 2:56 pm

      but what do you do when the thing you heart craves the most is gone? when the road between where you are and where you want to be seems like a never ending path? Today i am a broken soul. Nothing is clear except for overwelming sadness.

      • Kayla Lords said,

        February 21, 2013 at 2:18 am

        This is part of the growth process…this is part of what you have to go through to change your life, change your path, live a new life. It’s not always easy. Would you trust it if it was?

  3. obeyme15 said,

    February 20, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    You shouldn’t be sad, this is a win, win for you. You either get what you’ve been wanting and waiting fôr, for so long which is your husband back the way he was when you were happy with him and you deserve, Or there’s me. Which we have a wonderful D/s relationship built on love and trust…. I am behind you no matter what you decide as long as your are happy and I can see the sunshine radiating from that beautiful face. WIN, WIN….. BE HAPPY


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