Pull the trigger!!!

I wish someone would. My heart is broken in ways that i can not fix. I am full of self doubt and self loathing. I should be happy. My husband has stepped up in a big way. Showing me the man i married years ago. Saddly it has left me torn. Part of me is pissed becuase i was done, ready to walk, finished. I had shut off my heart to him. I had quit chasing after what he would not give to me. But my therapist said, dear is it not funny how when you stopped chasing him, you gave him room to come to you? NO its not funny. It is sad and frusterating and…..

Then there is my Master. A man who has filled all of the empty in me with love. The man who spoke words he really did not mean. Baby.. if you can find the happiness you once had with him agian then do it. All i want is your happiness…. LIE!!!  He wants my happiness. But he wants it with him. The good honest man in him ment those words. But like me his heart betrayed him. 

So here we are, two broken souls. Wanting what we do not have, having what we do not want. And unable to stand up and make a move. Trapped in some stupid mess called love. Yes LOVE. It is not lust or some silly kid game. We fell in love with each other. Knowing the other was in a situation that did not let them be fully free. Having some blind faith that we were the ones who could make it work. Against all odds. We were going to be the ones to defy them.

My hands shake, my heart feals like a crushed and mangled thing. I do not know which way to turn. If i stay, the changes may last, or may only be for a short time, and i lose my Master. And therefor my heart.  If i go, i will have to be the other woman. At least for a time. Second to a woman who has treated my Master like a beating post. Not so much in the physical, but she has broken a wonderful man. And i fr

I feel helpless and powerless. Lost. And i wish that i could just be put out of my misery and find that peace and happiness i have been longing for. But i am beginning to think i do not deserve it. Becuase just when i think i have found it, something happens to knock me down again..

Advertisements

8 Comments

  1. cjriordan said,

    February 25, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    It seems counter-intuitive to “like” this post. But there are no buttons that say “I understand how you feel” I wish there were, because I do. Sometimes, when I read your writing, I think it could be my own thoughts and feelings being expressed. Do you stay and hope for the permanent change? Do you risk the chance that the lip service and temporary fix will do nothing more than draw you inexorably back into the cycle? Or do you cast off the unhealthy pattern and seek love, even if it means a compromise? These are not easy questions. There are no easy answers. I am sorry for your struggle, mainly because I know intimately the feeling of your heart being pulled in two directions. I know quite well the voice of self doubt and the way it plagues you.

    I wish I could give you an answer. But I can’t. All I can do is offer you a hug and tell you, “I understand how you feel.” ❤

    • loneyheart said,

      February 26, 2013 at 12:05 am

      thank you. i just want real happiness. because i know i have real love. i am just so afraid to make the leap.
      Hugs

      • cjriordan said,

        February 26, 2013 at 9:43 am

        Never be afraid to go out on a limb – that’s where the fruit is!

        Cute sayings aside, it is never easy to leap into the void and embrace the unknown. Sometimes it is fantastically worth it, sometimes it is a fantastic nightmare. I wish you the best no matter which choice you make. 🙂

  2. hiddinsight said,

    February 25, 2013 at 11:50 pm

    “So here we are, two broken souls. Wanting what we do not have, having what we do not want. And unable to stand up and make a move. Trapped in some stupid mess called love. Yes LOVE.”

    I’d like to propose something to you in the middle of the rain. What if it actually is more like THIS but you couldn’t see it until the point that you could look back on it…? I imagine these words in a blog post of your future…

    “And there we were, two broken souls. He the salve for my wounds, and me the only cure for his. Already having what we did not know, we held each other, longing to acknowledge what we wanted, yet could not yet see. Love had been the promise and now love was the consent.”

    • loneyheart said,

      February 26, 2013 at 12:07 am

      i thank you for your words. they are much needed. I have just hung up the phone with he that is the salve to my wounds, knowing i am the cure for his. Longing to hold him.

  3. obeyme15 said,

    February 26, 2013 at 12:52 am

    Your Master did not lie, I love you more than any words I can put on this screen can describe, so yes I want that happiness with me, but if your true happiness lies with him then so be it. I’ve ALWAYS said I only want you happy. No matter what! You are a wonderful woman and a very loyal loving and obedient pet that has made me a better person,,,,, so don’t I have a little reason to pout.

    Love you My Princess

    • loneyheart said,

      February 26, 2013 at 3:31 pm

      Lets just focus on one moment at a time. Because in this moment i love you more than life itself. I love you more than my car.. and thats alot.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: