How could i not share what he has so pain stakingly written for me. I am so proud to be HIS

Their bond

touch

he came to her on bended knee

Not to ask for her hand in marriage

but to ask only for her love

He did not come with jewlery

She did not want it from him

all she wanted was his heart

and that she already had

They were bonded by desire

bound by need

filled with love and fire

she for his control

him for her surrender

They knew their love was not vanilla

But it was not so kink

But even without conversation

he knew he could push her to the brink

he had found in her his sunshine

for her he was the moon

both to light their worlds

to keep the dark at bay

life had taught them lessons

yes they had a past

nothing they kept hidden

what was the point of that

He loved her in her darkness

guding her to the light

she reveld in his sweetness

and in his manly fight

he tried to hide his weekness

to her it was his strength

she knew she could not keep him

further than arms length

and truth was all she wanted

was to sleep there i his arms

happy in his kingdom

surrendered to his charms

 

What lurks beneth the surface

bar

Sitting in a crowed room

scanning the crowd

You catch their eye and wonder

are you all you appear to be

the dancing girl in the corner

is she really that bold

or has a glass of wine

unhibited her soul

And the man standing at the bar

is he all you would hope to dare

is he the kind of man

to tie you to the chair

That couple dancing toe to toe

does he chair her up at night

or is she a prima donna

who is an ice queen shining bright

What lurks beneth the surface

of the faces in this crowd

and where is the man

who can see what lies beneath my surface

 

Dressed for him

beautiful butt

Standing in her closet she is surrounded by clothes. She is after all a girly girl and loves to look pretty. But there are days when she takes extra care. When her desire to look her best is enhanced because she is going to see Him.

He notices everything. The curl in her hair, the tint of her lipstick, her jewlery.

He pays attention to her every move, to the tone of her voice, to the lilt of her laugh.

And today is special. Yes she sees him almost daily. But there are special days when she knows she will be allowed to savor the sight of more than just his face. She loves his smile. The one he has just for her. But there is something else he does for her and her alone that sends shivers through her body. When they have their time alone. When he guides her hands in ways she has never known. When he teases her with tools and toys. Where pain and pleasure meet. When he makes her breath come rough and ragged. And the sparkle in her eyes turns to the shine of lustfull dirty pleasure. When he stands befor her with his glorious body and genlty strokes the firmness that she has created. The words flow between them. The conversation of need, and want, and lust and desire. Where anticipation builds. When he makes her stand so that he can admire her. All of her. So she dresses for him and him alone. Each piece chosen to enhace her best attributes. Lace panties that hug the high curve of her ample ass. A push up bra to make  that spot for his member to rest. His heels on her feet. Perfectly fit to her tiny foot. Red lipstick with a hint of shimmer to brighten her sunshine smile.

All of this and more, just for him. Because he gives her so much. He fills her head and her heart. He emboldens her desires and makes her face her fears so that she will be a better woman, a better pet, for him. So today as she dresses, she dresses for him. Because it is just one of the little ways that she can show him just how much she loves him.

in the safety of your arms

The days pass like thieves

Some slip by slowly

Others flying by like comets in the sky

Each one with you is a gift

I relish our stolen moments

Those times when i get to see your face

To see MY Smile

To hear your voice say my name

I cradle your t shirt in my arms

And breath deep

The closeness that gives me is more than you know

It wraps me up in you

Surrounds me in love

Enfolds me in your protection

Even though you are miles away

I am wraped in the safety of your arms

Purpose….

Recently my little head has been thinking alot about self worth and value.

And i woke up with an ah ha moment…

Purpose… if we have no purpose, no use, then we can not see the value of ourself.

Some people find their value in their work ( i do)

Some find it in their care taking of others (here too)

But i think that some people never find what they feel gives them value.

And it that they become stagnant. They do not see their worth.

And some of us doubt we have value past the things we can see.

When others tell us we are valuable we scoff at them.

Maybe we learned it as children. Maybe we did not become the head cheer leader in school. Or we were not the straight a student. So on one told us we were important.

Maybe as an adult we wondered aimlesly looking for our nich in life. But some where we were looking for our purpose. Personally i know that my sexual abuse taught me that i was only valuable for one thing. And it has made my adult life a challenge from time to time. But i knew i was more than that.. So i kept looking.. I am wicked good at my job. And that has given me purpose and direction when things were hard.

So i sit back and think about those who have sat back and not pushed themselves to become more than what they are. Those who are obviously not happy in life. And i want to tell them…. GO, DO, FIND YOUR PURPOSE.

Sitting there complaining about things will not change anything. Life is all about action. And i have to admit i have been guilty of sitting there doing nothing. But i am still learing. I want to be better, to grow and become so much more. So i refuse to be stagnant. Even when others do not see change,,, trust me.. my mind is planning and plotting and thinking and growing and changing and finding new purpose…

I love you…!!!???

heart

Those are some over used words.

And what happens when they change meaning in your life?

There is the i love you as a friend, dude, buddy, becuase you make laugh

totally un romantic type of love.

There is the I love you because you are good to me and i love you with reverent respect. We have this for parents.

There is I love you and think that we could have a future together, which is really i like you

There is I am in love with you and never want to leave your side

There is I was in love with you but one of us changed and now you kind of irritate me

There is the love of a parent for a child which is different than the love of a grandparent

There is even… don’t you just love this weather.. which is simply i like it alot.

I recently heard my self say those words when what i really was feeling was

No i am not in love with you, I was once, deeply, madly, but i grew up, you changed, and right now i like you because you are the father to my child. But if you were a total stranger i might think you were just some nice but distant guy.

 

I wish that there were other words we could use.

Because i have also said I love you.. when what i ment was

You are my sun,my moon, my stars. The reason i get up in the morning. The reason i smile, The thing that gives me peace of mind and calms me in the dark of night when my mind will not settle and sleep stays far from me. I can not imagine my life with out your laugh, your smile, your bossy opinions and the gift you have for making me see myself in a differnt way.

It is times like this.. when.. I LOVE YOU… is simply not big enough..

So… instead of throwing those words into the wind.. i think it may be time for the world to slow down and really express that which is in our hearts. We have the words.. lets use them.

 

 

Who am I

farm girl

People in my life now have no idea what my life was like growing up. They see the hairdresser. No one sees the farm girl, the rancher, the cow girl. I grew up tough. To be a girl was a luxury

Someone asked me if i was taking the time to get to know myself. Not the wife, mother, hairdresser, friend. Not the girl i was when i married. Not my inner sub. But the woman i have become. It made me stop and think. My entire life has been in survival mode. It still is. But i have stopped, and with the help of a wonderful man,begun to find the missing pieces of me. To find a way past the tough girl exterior and find the softer woman beneath the protective shell.
I am….. well i am a paradox of life. Focused and determined when it comes to my career… As protective as a pit bull when it comes to my child…The care taker of those in my world to fragile to stand on their own…even when i know those people are only using me….as loyal as anything to those who need a friend…i will give you the shirt off of my back, the shoes off of my feet and go without… if you truly need it, without question….

But…. I am also deeply insecure… still at the age of ??? over 40 consider myself a child when in a group of friends…. I find it difficult to be their equal…I always consider others more successful and more grown up than i do myself..
I even look at my daughter and wish i were more like her.. at 21 she is twice the woman i am even now… Her heart is open to the world… like her mom she will see the good in people long before the bad… But unlike me she will stand up to anyone.. She is one tough cookie… I admire her more than she will ever know….
She has dared to live her life as she sees best even if it ment pissing off her Dad and Grandma… She choose to be with a young man who has 3 children… And she loves them as if they were her own… and has no plans to add to the brood… She is determined in her choices… She knows who she is… I am still learning….

So i look at life and wonder who am i really? Life has been an adventure so far. Am i the girl from the farm who killed and cleaned her own food? Who can cut the nuts off any farm animal without flinching? Who can can the vegetables from her own garden? Who knows how to take a side of pig and make her own bacon and sausage?
Or am i the girl dressed in camo that married at 19? Who only went on 1 date i her life? The girl who never made a decision on her own? Who always did EXACTLY as she was told? Am i the hair dresser who has been behind the chair for over 20 years, taking care of others? The one who listens to everyone elses life stories and gives a smile and a hug? Am i the music junkie, the theater nerd? Am i the sub who surrenders her all to her master without question? Am i the Dom who puts men under her 6 inch heels? Am i the girl who loves other girls? Am i someone who someone else can truly love? Or am i just the girl to fill the empty space? Someone fantasy?

Or am i the sum of all of my parts? The pieces i know and the ones i have yet to see? I am learing who i am as i go. Learning to see myself thru other peoples eyes instead of my own. To take the compliments with the criticisim. Becoming a better woman not just for those important to me, but for myself. Every day i choose to make small changes until the whole of me has shed the past and can embrace the future with open arms and an open heart.
Then i will know, not only who i used to be, but who i am…

Lonely but not alone…

For a long time now i have lived in a life that was lonely with someone right next to me.

I have pondered for hours how that could be. How can you be lonely with someone there?

Well it is simple. When the person with you has little to no intrest in you as a human.

When they can not tell you some of the basic likes and dislikes of your life.

When they are more concerned for self rather than you. Then it does not matter how physcially close to you they may get… You are alone.

The isolation can become stifleing. Your will to carry on just dies. You begin to wonder why you even try to get their attention. Or any attention at all. The lonelyness becomes all consuming.

At some point reality sets in and you know that you have to leave of die. The decision is often easier to make than the actual action of leaving. It is in that moment that you begin to realize just what all that entails. How it will efect your life and the life of those around you. Family dinners will forever be changed. Christmas will be a battle of who gets the kids, instead of ” do we go to your parents or mine?”
You stop to wonder if you can stand sleeping in a bed alone. And who will you talk to at the end of a long day. Even if you don’t talk to your spouse now. Every tiny aspect of life is going to change.
But in the end it is one clear thought that pushes you through… I would rather be loney alone than lonely with them sitting right here beside me.

Away from Me….

moon love

There are times when the love i feel for you hurts.

When life and time and space keep you away from me.

When the words I LOVE YOU are not enough

When just seeing your smile stabs my aching heart

But then i imagine my life without you

And i will take the pain

I will live through the lonely moments

I will take the challenges of our distant love

Because i can not breath without you

I do not feel the warmth of  the sun without feeling you

I do not see the glow of the moon without knowing you are with me

I do not hear the rhythm of the ocean without knowing it is the beating of your heart

So while the world may keep you away from me for now

I know that in time you will be by my side

I will wake to your smile

I will sleep in your arms

I will hear your heart beat with mine

Because nothing can keep you Away From Me

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