Caught…

broken

I don’t know how to end it…I don’t know how to walk away…

It is not that it is bad… It is just that it is not good enough to stay…

 

These lines have been rattling around in my head. Some time back i bought a book called Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay. I started reading it and then quit. I did not think i was ready to hear all that was in it. But i am picking it back up again. Trying for myself to find the way to walk away from a marriage that is not Bad but is far from Good. From a man who is happy living in his little world. Who will say to me that he wants me home. But when i am there basically ignores me, because he is happy just having me in the house. For him this is a good life. He is content in it. For me it is a guilded cage. I have realized that people can love you, and love you deeply, in their own way. But that if they can not love you in the way you need, it does not make them bad. It just means that they are not Good for You. And that it is ok.

We each need and deserve to have someone in our lives that fills us, completes us, makes us whole. Someone who really listens to you. Who hears you and acts. Someone who does the little things in life. I am not one for grand gestures. To me the every day little things mean so much more. For someone to really listen. To hear you. In my world, that is love, real honest deep love.

So i am sitting here in life finally understanding my situation. I am a woman caught…
Caught in a marriage with a man who loves me so blindly that he can not or will not see my flaws. Who has practically had my infidelity thrown in his face and refuses to see it. Who only has chosen to hear me when the words i said were I AM DONE. I QUIT. I GIVE UP.
And the fact that i am blindly in love with a man who knows my flaws, knows my sins. And yet somehow loves me anyways. A man who actually hears me when i talk. Who has let me be exactly who i really am. And for that i would walk on hot burning coals for him.

One day i will find my way. I will either choose to live like a pretty bird in a guilt cage. Or i will pick the lock and finally fly free. But in this moment i am reading another chapter in my book hoping for the words, the wisdom and the strength to know my own truth. To live MY own life. And to know and acept real love in what ever form it takes.

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6 Comments

  1. mlbk7 said,

    March 8, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    I have to be with the one I love. Especially if I had to think this hard about it. I when thru this once. To me it’s a no brainer. Also If he is so content with your known misery, then the problem is in his not you. Sounds like it it is easier for him to do nothing than make a change. Good luck.

    • loneyheart said,

      March 8, 2013 at 9:52 pm

      He has made some effort. And we have 23 years together. But i do not see the changes lasting unless i push. And for me pushing is like begging. And i will not beg to be loved. Not when it is so easy to feel the love that comes from my Master. I call him that because in many ways he is. But in honesty he is MY HEART.

      • mlbk7 said,

        March 8, 2013 at 10:22 pm

        What a beautiful struggle you have. Then stay, sounds like you have enough love in you for both. You are extraordinary and rare. I love that.

  2. cjriordan said,

    March 9, 2013 at 1:50 am

    It is positively eerie how accurately your words describe portions of my life. It’s like we are living parallel lives. I know your struggle and I empathize. Keep reading my dear. Keep searching and the answer will come along with the courage to act.

  3. mirabella said,

    March 9, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Perfect. Beautiful. Painfully resonated. Take care of your heart love. All my best…

  4. Isabella said,

    March 9, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Sweet lonelyheart…indeed spot on…with the “guilded cage.” I am outside of my cage.. testing…finding my way…It is interesting….good for me. It…is also lonely…scary….even more so than you may think. My husband and I have been together for twenty years.


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