Who am I

farm girl

People in my life now have no idea what my life was like growing up. They see the hairdresser. No one sees the farm girl, the rancher, the cow girl. I grew up tough. To be a girl was a luxury

Someone asked me if i was taking the time to get to know myself. Not the wife, mother, hairdresser, friend. Not the girl i was when i married. Not my inner sub. But the woman i have become. It made me stop and think. My entire life has been in survival mode. It still is. But i have stopped, and with the help of a wonderful man,begun to find the missing pieces of me. To find a way past the tough girl exterior and find the softer woman beneath the protective shell.
I am….. well i am a paradox of life. Focused and determined when it comes to my career… As protective as a pit bull when it comes to my child…The care taker of those in my world to fragile to stand on their own…even when i know those people are only using me….as loyal as anything to those who need a friend…i will give you the shirt off of my back, the shoes off of my feet and go without… if you truly need it, without question….

But…. I am also deeply insecure… still at the age of ??? over 40 consider myself a child when in a group of friends…. I find it difficult to be their equal…I always consider others more successful and more grown up than i do myself..
I even look at my daughter and wish i were more like her.. at 21 she is twice the woman i am even now… Her heart is open to the world… like her mom she will see the good in people long before the bad… But unlike me she will stand up to anyone.. She is one tough cookie… I admire her more than she will ever know….
She has dared to live her life as she sees best even if it ment pissing off her Dad and Grandma… She choose to be with a young man who has 3 children… And she loves them as if they were her own… and has no plans to add to the brood… She is determined in her choices… She knows who she is… I am still learning….

So i look at life and wonder who am i really? Life has been an adventure so far. Am i the girl from the farm who killed and cleaned her own food? Who can cut the nuts off any farm animal without flinching? Who can can the vegetables from her own garden? Who knows how to take a side of pig and make her own bacon and sausage?
Or am i the girl dressed in camo that married at 19? Who only went on 1 date i her life? The girl who never made a decision on her own? Who always did EXACTLY as she was told? Am i the hair dresser who has been behind the chair for over 20 years, taking care of others? The one who listens to everyone elses life stories and gives a smile and a hug? Am i the music junkie, the theater nerd? Am i the sub who surrenders her all to her master without question? Am i the Dom who puts men under her 6 inch heels? Am i the girl who loves other girls? Am i someone who someone else can truly love? Or am i just the girl to fill the empty space? Someone fantasy?

Or am i the sum of all of my parts? The pieces i know and the ones i have yet to see? I am learing who i am as i go. Learning to see myself thru other peoples eyes instead of my own. To take the compliments with the criticisim. Becoming a better woman not just for those important to me, but for myself. Every day i choose to make small changes until the whole of me has shed the past and can embrace the future with open arms and an open heart.
Then i will know, not only who i used to be, but who i am…

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2 Comments

  1. mlbk7 said,

    March 20, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Very Beautiful you are.

  2. Arina said,

    March 21, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Another excellent entry. I look at it as being a jewel. A jewel can have many facets. We are a lot of things…and together it makes us one person.


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