the strangle hold of Fear and finances

I want out. I want my freedom. I do not love this man as i once did. But i am stuck. Trapped by fear and the nasty reality of finances. We have lived our lives financially seperate for many years. And while this has allowed each of us the freedom to persue certian dreams, i am realizing that it is part of why i can not leave just yet. Business is slow. And on my own would be damn near impossible. But every day i think, if i do this or that, then maybe…
Even yesterday, we went for a ride in the forrest. This is something that used to help me clear my mind. But yesterday all i did was think of ways to extract myself from my life. What bare essentials would i need to take. Where would i sleep. How would i seperate myself from the financial burden he put me under. Could i start new accounts with out his name on them.
Just how much does it cost to file for divorce? Can i refi the car into my name? He wants that to happen. Do i sell my diamond or give it to our daughter? Am i brave enough to just leap? Or do i need a safety net?
So i sit and wait for next month and hope that the summer proves good. Because when i hear my Master say.. I want you by me right now… I want to be able to say, yes sir, and be there. There where my heart feels like it is finally home.

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Ah Ha moment

today was clean up day in our neighborhood. So things were loaded to take to the roll off dumpsters. Leaving our drive i see the neighbor struggle to load a couch alone on his truck. I state that fact to the man driving he repeatedly looks out his window and continues to drive slowly down the street watching the poor man struggle alone.

His selfish hateful nature has no bounds and is not limited to me. Stopping would of taken 2 minutes. But it would not of gotten him any praise from onlookers. So he behaved as his true self. Lets watch someone suffer. He gets his kicks from seeing us struggle alone.

Soon.. i will pack and go even if it means living in the shop and eating ramen noodles. I can not bear him.

When it is more than Want

alice garden

Time has passed me by. And the life that i thought i would have is not what IS.
But i refuse to linger on the what could of been. It is to painful a space.
Instead i choose to focus on the what will be. The things i have control over.
I want happiness, i want love, i want to be wanted, desired, loved, needed, cherished.
But it is more than that. It is a need. I want a new pair of shoes, but i do not need them. They are momentary happinesses. But if i do not have them i will not perish. I do know however that without love, happiness, desire, i will wither up and die. I see it on my face when i look in the mirror. I feel it in my heart when he makes a vain attempt to touch my hand. There never has been the depth of those feelings there. Long ago there was the beginnings of it. But it was not nurtured, feed, protected and made to grow. I was left like a garden unkept. Left to flourish on my own. Yes beauty lives there, but only burried amonst the weeds. Those that have tried to choke it out of existence. Blocked from the sun by that which wanted to keep me in the dark so i could not see what i was missing. To be left to become content with so little when the world held so much.

He will say that all he needs is me. That his ideal happiness is us alone on a huge piece of land. Away from the world. Once i would of given up all to see him happy. Surrended myself for his joy. But time has taught me that joy does not just come from giving. It comes when someone else gives to you from the heart. Not things, but time and attention. When they hear your words. When they feel your heart.

Yes i am a sub. But i am not a door mat. I give from my heart and willingly give of my flesh to one who treats me with respect and dignity. One who sees me as a gift. As his lady and his whore. Who has taken the time to get to know me, all of me. And accepts the many faceted sides of my personality. I am his princess, his little girl, is slut, HIS. And i choose to surrender to him. He does not want to hide me from the world, but instead he wants to place me in the sun, to nurture my creativity and my beauty. To help me see the beauty in myself. To embrace not only my submissive side, but my daring and boldness. In his eyes i see the woman i want to become. His gentle encouragement has helped me stickit out at the gym. And i am feeling the changes in myself. He does not push me past my limits but helps me test them. And i am helping him embrace the Dom in him. To take what was always there and nurture it. To show him all that he is. I love the dominate, agressive, passionate man that he is. I love it when he sees himself thru my eyes. When he can stop and see how other women do truly see how devine he is. I love building him up, becuase he does it for me. There is no one sided love here. It is a give and take. He feeds me the fruit of love. Nurturing my soul and allowing me in turn to feed his.

I will not live in want, but i will feed the need. And in doing so let go of a past that has emptied a wonderful giving woman and made her feel less than. I will embrace a life, either with or without my Master. But a life that i make. One that nurtures and cares for me. One that is truly filled with happiness.

Personality Traits of a Profound Submissive

The Submission of Elle

*UPDATE* 5/17/15*

I am so happy to say that I found the original author on FetLife. His name is MasterDane and he has since renamed this work Traits of an Extreme Submissive Personality. I am delighted to repost this (with his permission, of course…thank you, Sir). You can see his original work here https://fetlife.com/users/424067/posts/320358

****************

I found this a while back on another blog that I have since lost so sorry that I cannot give credit. Tell me what you think. Any to add? Remove? Which ones do you relate to?

Personality Traits of a profound submissive

The ways in which I spot a profound submissive who is not aware of what she is yet:

  • She is very sensitive to my moods, body language, and tone of voice. She is very sensitive to criticism.
  • She has a child-like presence.
  • She is eager to please me and eager to follow my…

View original post 231 more words

How to walk away?

This should be the easy part. I have already fallen out of love with a man who was once the center of my world. I have stopped looking at him thru rose colored glasses. I have stopped forgiving his thoughtlesness. I see him now for who he really is. A selfish and selfserving man. I see myself as he sees me, just a piece of furniture. Nice to have around but redundant. Something to make him look good to the world. An image of the perfect happy couple. But it is all a show.

This last week was like having a bomb set off in my chest. Going to happy bridal parties. Sitting thru a wedding of two people whos 1st marriages were so unhappy. Seeing love in their faces. All while being ignored by my own husband. The man who chose to sit and have dinner with the girls from the bridal party and not make room for me at the table. The man who danced with those girls who has not danced with me in 20 years.

The last time i tried talking to him i told him how our life was not our life, it was his life. How we only did the things he liked to do. So his answer to this problem is to now join me on my bowling night. The one thing i took up to have a night away from him. Last night he forgot i was bowling, but then when he remembered he decided to show up, bringing himself dinner but not me. I am not even a thought to him. It kills me to be so unimportant to him after all of these years.

 

I keep reading this book. And with every page it is clearer and clearer to me that my time has come. But i just don’t know how to sit him down and say those words. I QUIT, I AM DONE, I WANT OUT. Then i will be on my own. But i would rather be alone than lonely next to him any more. I have fought for my marriage for what seems like a life time. And if he fought half as hard then we could of picked up the pieces. But saddly i am not a gun, or a piece of archery equipment, or his truck or one of his hunting buddies. I am, was, just his wife. And i need to walk away.

He Is, I am, We are

absolute love

undermounted

He is the throbbing of a plucked base string

The vibrations being felt along my flesh

He is the beating of a war drum

Echoing across the dark valley between my thighs

He is Gabriel’s burnished trumpet

Held to perfect angelic lips

He is the erotic finger movement

Along a 12 stringed Spanish guitar

He is the shifting of dawn to daylight

The moment when day fades to night

He is the moment of conception

And the rattle of life’s departing Grace

He is the first splatter of a clean, heavy spring rain

The crystal clear, bowed perfection on a drop of morning dew

He is the beauty of a new born, bloodied baby

The joy of exhaustion on a new mothers face

He is the old bark protecting a majestic tree

The warm, rich soil underneath bare feet

He is the soaring flight of a majestic eagle

The quiet…

View original post 110 more words

Hot Rod

A happy car girls dream post.

The reason I submit…..(re blogged)

there is nothing more to say

Your strength….

My Master makes me feel exactly this way.

tonight

tonight i went to a friends bridal party. laughter, food, drinks, fun.

Bullshit. i cried. i cried my way out onto the poarch. i cried like a fool into the ear of a dear friend. thank god he was miles away. NO i would not fall into his bed, but my broken soul would of sat and cried into his arms. He had his hand on the door and i told him no. because the only man on this earth who can calm my heart any more is thousands of miles away. And even now i can not call him to at least hear his voice tell me its ok. This life i live is a shattered mess. I hav stayed because i thought it was the right thing to do. But my chrushed and battered heart needs an exit. Out of this life. Hell i even looked at the lake with longing. But i love my damn car to  much to drive it into the dark cold wet oblivion. So i sit here alone in this bed and pray for another day. For the strength to get thru tomorrow and the wedding.. To see such happiness were there was once such darkness sould make me happy. But right now in this moment i hate them. I hate them for their happiness. for the strength they both had to leave such hateful marraiges. And for finding such joy.

I want to be that bold that brave that happy. I want my pirate. I want to live in his arms. To know his touch, his kiss. To wake next to him and to be truly happy. But for now i welcome this bed and tomorrow. Because it is another day closer to him and to us.

But i honeslty hate TODAY.

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