tonight i went to a friends bridal party. laughter, food, drinks, fun.

Bullshit. i cried. i cried my way out onto the poarch. i cried like a fool into the ear of a dear friend. thank god he was miles away. NO i would not fall into his bed, but my broken soul would of sat and cried into his arms. He had his hand on the door and i told him no. because the only man on this earth who can calm my heart any more is thousands of miles away. And even now i can not call him to at least hear his voice tell me its ok. This life i live is a shattered mess. I hav stayed because i thought it was the right thing to do. But my chrushed and battered heart needs an exit. Out of this life. Hell i even looked at the lake with longing. But i love my damn car to  much to drive it into the dark cold wet oblivion. So i sit here alone in this bed and pray for another day. For the strength to get thru tomorrow and the wedding.. To see such happiness were there was once such darkness sould make me happy. But right now in this moment i hate them. I hate them for their happiness. for the strength they both had to leave such hateful marraiges. And for finding such joy.

I want to be that bold that brave that happy. I want my pirate. I want to live in his arms. To know his touch, his kiss. To wake next to him and to be truly happy. But for now i welcome this bed and tomorrow. Because it is another day closer to him and to us.

But i honeslty hate TODAY.



  1. mlbk7 said,

    April 20, 2013 at 4:21 am

    You are so sad. Don’t cry little bird, soon you can away home to him.

  2. amelthalt said,

    April 20, 2013 at 5:23 am

    Hugs. it will pass. soon you will feel the opposite. xx

  3. Isabella said,

    April 20, 2013 at 11:06 am

    I’m hoping your tomorrow is a better day…and it brings you joy to keep sadness away. Hugs sweet dear.

  4. hispetitelle said,

    April 20, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain.

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