When it is more than Want

alice garden

Time has passed me by. And the life that i thought i would have is not what IS.
But i refuse to linger on the what could of been. It is to painful a space.
Instead i choose to focus on the what will be. The things i have control over.
I want happiness, i want love, i want to be wanted, desired, loved, needed, cherished.
But it is more than that. It is a need. I want a new pair of shoes, but i do not need them. They are momentary happinesses. But if i do not have them i will not perish. I do know however that without love, happiness, desire, i will wither up and die. I see it on my face when i look in the mirror. I feel it in my heart when he makes a vain attempt to touch my hand. There never has been the depth of those feelings there. Long ago there was the beginnings of it. But it was not nurtured, feed, protected and made to grow. I was left like a garden unkept. Left to flourish on my own. Yes beauty lives there, but only burried amonst the weeds. Those that have tried to choke it out of existence. Blocked from the sun by that which wanted to keep me in the dark so i could not see what i was missing. To be left to become content with so little when the world held so much.

He will say that all he needs is me. That his ideal happiness is us alone on a huge piece of land. Away from the world. Once i would of given up all to see him happy. Surrended myself for his joy. But time has taught me that joy does not just come from giving. It comes when someone else gives to you from the heart. Not things, but time and attention. When they hear your words. When they feel your heart.

Yes i am a sub. But i am not a door mat. I give from my heart and willingly give of my flesh to one who treats me with respect and dignity. One who sees me as a gift. As his lady and his whore. Who has taken the time to get to know me, all of me. And accepts the many faceted sides of my personality. I am his princess, his little girl, is slut, HIS. And i choose to surrender to him. He does not want to hide me from the world, but instead he wants to place me in the sun, to nurture my creativity and my beauty. To help me see the beauty in myself. To embrace not only my submissive side, but my daring and boldness. In his eyes i see the woman i want to become. His gentle encouragement has helped me stickit out at the gym. And i am feeling the changes in myself. He does not push me past my limits but helps me test them. And i am helping him embrace the Dom in him. To take what was always there and nurture it. To show him all that he is. I love the dominate, agressive, passionate man that he is. I love it when he sees himself thru my eyes. When he can stop and see how other women do truly see how devine he is. I love building him up, becuase he does it for me. There is no one sided love here. It is a give and take. He feeds me the fruit of love. Nurturing my soul and allowing me in turn to feed his.

I will not live in want, but i will feed the need. And in doing so let go of a past that has emptied a wonderful giving woman and made her feel less than. I will embrace a life, either with or without my Master. But a life that i make. One that nurtures and cares for me. One that is truly filled with happiness.



  1. rougedmount said,

    April 26, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    i also love a gentle, dominate, assertive and passionate man…he has made me see myself as i used to be; the dormant potential i once was coming to fruition because of his direct contact. i shall always be grateful.

  2. mlbk7 said,

    April 26, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    The wonder of you. You are one of the strongest most amazing bravest person I have ever known. The easiest road would have been to stay, but you took the harder road of the two and look how you survived.

    • loneyheart said,

      April 26, 2013 at 5:14 pm

      the leaving is not yet done. But i am well on my way. I know who i am and what i deserve in life. It is happiness.

  3. hispetitelle said,

    April 26, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    I really do hope you get it all. No one should go through life feeling such despair. Abundant blessings to you.

  4. Isabella said,

    April 26, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    Severing the weight of someone who does not care whether you flourish or wilt …sink or swim…can be incredibly freeing… bring such peace.


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