why does it all hit at once

Talk, he wants to talk. Now after all of this time. Spent the better part of two days with him begging me to stay, for us to work it out, for me to work less and pay more attention to him.
I spent it telling him that it was to late. That I had loved him for years. Waited for him for years. And when i finally decide to leave and tell him, why now is there some magic that makes him care? It is nothing more than his fear of turning 50 and being alone. Already hitting me with the guilt that if i leave he will become a bitter lonely old man. Yes he will become his mother with a dick. Just as i have always said. Not his dad, the wonderful loving man i adored, but his selfish hag of a mother.

So mothers day went something like this
The man who made me cry all afternoon on Sat wants sex for the first time in 2 months. HELL NO.
I am still in physical pain so i get medication, heating pad and tennis balls and hit the couch.
I have a short tear soaked conversation with the only person who can make me smile.
The husband asks me to go for a walk. I go
I call my daughter to get her to meet us in town.
I pay for the best pizza in town and for bowling for the 4 of us.
Her dad, me, her and her soon to be fiance.
She finally tells her dad she is moving to live closer to the fiances family.
I have to lie to him about how long i have known… Happy Mother Day to me.
Then she asks for me to do her hair.
So off to the shop we go for hi lites and a hair cut.
And yes my hair has been in a french twist for days because it need help.
So i will call and pay for my own hair appointment.
We get in the car and i decide i need a drive
He asks why… declare that they have not really made this day for me so i will do it myself
At home he still wants to talk.
Tell him to not touch me. That i have wanted to leave for months.
That i can not belive the fairy tale that he magically loves me and wants me again
That i have spent 14 years hanging on and i am done hanging
Declare that they did one hell of a job making me feel special today.
It was as always, me taking care of them, never about me.

I have dinner, yes he cooked, because food is love
And fell asleep on the couch.
bed by 10… wide awake and physically sick at 2 am
back on couch at 3 still realing and ill
He realizes i am gone. asks whats up.
Tell him my brain is on overload, he medicates me. And i crash our for a few more hours.

So it was just another day in the neighborhood. Nothing special. Just a weekend filled with raw emotions. Declrations of love and devotion. And it’s not my fault i swear. I did not do it on purpose. Please stay and let me take you on that trip you have always wanted.Blah, blah, blah.
And the more he tries, the more i cry and the angrier i get.

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6 Comments

  1. May 13, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    another hug…another familiar scene. You can make it…and do not feel guilty.

  2. May 13, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    It feels like he is making you sicker. His constant badgering of the situation seems annoying rather than helpful. Sorry to hear about the mother in law. That’s even more tormenting. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying very hard. He reminds of a log. Heavy, silent and just sits there. But I do like the way you write. You’ve captured me for sure. Hugs.

  3. rougedmount said,

    May 13, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    dangling the carrot that no longer holds your attention.

  4. Kayla Lords said,

    May 14, 2013 at 2:02 am

    ((HUGS)) Yes, I remember this kind of thing very well…I’m glad you’re getting angry. It was easier for me once I got angry…

    • loneyheart said,

      May 14, 2013 at 1:56 pm

      he actually brought me roses yesterday. Asked me if they made me smile. Simple answer NO, YOU MADE ME CRY. Yes i am somewhere closer to angry these days


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