The changing shape of things

Last night I went out with a girl friend. I was rocking a pale blue floral sundress and nude peep toe pumps with 6 inch heels. I felt amazing. I had been shopping and was on a high from the reality that I was back in the non plus size department of the store. Standing in line for the bar it was a rush when you could feel the eyes checking out my legs. Then the sucker punch came. A girl walked by who was very curvy, and my friend looked at me and said ” I remember when you were that size” I never imaged I was ever that size. It made me begin to wonder if the reason my marriage died was because of me. Had he lost his want for me because of my size? But to be fair he was not the skinny guy I had married either and I had not lost my desire for him. Well not until the end. It was when I realized I was not in love with him anymore that I no longer felt the physical desire.

So here we both were, shrinking in size. When I last saw him, physically he looked good, but there was still no craving for him. It was gone. In fact when he reached over to hold my hand I wanted to escape as fast as possible.


It was in that moment when I realized that for me love and sex were connected. They had to be. There was no one without the other. I had done my run of sex for the sake of sex. And I had begged for sex from the man I had been in love with. Both things had left me empty and alone.


But I also realized that my changing size had not been the reason for the death of my marriage. And that if had been one of HIS  issues then he was not the man I ever wanted to give another chance to. I wanted and deserved to be loved no matter what size I was. Because love had nothing to do with a girls curves, but with the mental and emotional connection between two people.

So all of that being said, I will continue to go to the gym, not to catch some ones eye, but for me. Because I feel good, and I love being back in GIRL shoes and feeling sexy in them. Yes I have a shoe problem.  From where I sit I can see 23 pair of them, and if you saw the size of my apartment you would grasp the absurdity of my shoe disease.  I am happy being me. And I have been blessed with a man who found me sexy when I was heavier and who lovingly supports me in my endeavor to be healthier. But who also says, “please don’t get to thin” because he loves my curves and my ample ass.  things will shift and change  and time will tell, but for now, in this moment I am happy with me. To be honest I have always been happy with me. I never could see the reality of what size I was when I looked in the mirror. I only saw the real me in photos. I guess it was some kind of reverse Body Dismorphic Disorder. I was not the skinny girl who sees herself as fat, but the fat girl who can not see how chubby she is. It was living is blissful ignorance. A blessing and a curse, because I lived every day thinking I was ok, and as my weight went up and down I could not see the change. To me I always looked the same. Funny how life can be, looking at yourself thru rose colored glasses.

So welcome to my rambling.. it seems that my brain is all over the place right now. Its time to extract myself from my closet apartment and go get the laundry done, like the grown up I am. And plan for the week ahead. And enjoy the ever changing shape of things.


John Wayne, first loves, and how things last a life time


Well I woke up early to the tv on. It was on episode of I love Lucy with John Wayne. As I watched I had to smile. As a girl my first tv crush was The Duke. He was everything I saw a real man to be, strong, loyal, a protector of family and the spanker of HIS woman. Without realizing it I became a submissive. I wanted to be that woman. The one over his knee. She was always a strong and defiant woman who wanted and needed his strong hand. He had no want to change her, just to remind her who she belonged to. Of course that woman was Maureen O Hara, my crimson haired hero. I always thought she was the most beautiful woman. And the perfect partner to John Wayne.

So this is it…. sometimes the little girl crushes mark us. They stick. And yes,, watching him this morning I still got butterflies. He was and in my mind always will be the sexiest of men.

missing him

Dear lord I miss him. This is going to be a very hard week ahead.
I have not been able to talk to him much at all this past week and I have only seen his beautiful face once on cam, and a couple of pictures. Next week will be even worse. I may get to hear his voice only once.
Life and its realities will be an obstacle. But only to the time we get, not to the love we share.

You see, I believe that distance can make the heart, not grow fonder, but more aware of the love inside.
That love has to exist. I know because after I finally walked out of the house, I did not miss the man inside. The weekly dinners we have only remind me why I left. Yes he has sweet moments, but he is who he is. And I am having a wonderful life, ALONE.

My weeks are full. Work, friends, fun, the gym, reading, writing, feeling, being, doing, and loving.
Yes there is the every day domestic stuff. But there is also the moments I take to be me, to do MY stuff.
Like last night. I had dinner with a friend, walked home, made plans with my baby girl for the 4th, and then put myself in the hot tub with a glass of wine. I reveled in the fact that I had to buy a new swim suit and that it is several sizes smaller. In fact the same size I wore at age 18. Many moons ago. And that is was not a one piece. Yes I dared to wear a two piece. Not in public, but for my own self indulgent pride.

So, there it is. I am living for myself, happy in that knowledge.
And desperately missing the sound of my MOON’s voice, his smile that is just for me, the tender touch of his hand, and his kiss. The road ahead of us is going to be a difficult one. But I have never loved like this. Never had someone in my life who listened to what I said and did not put me down for it. Someone who reveled in the fact that I am not as tough as I pretend. And likes my gentle side. Who reminds me I am a lady. and makes me feel like I am.

We will get through it, but be forwarned the next week is going to be a hard one. So I may be here crying in my beer or I may go dead silent. I am trying very hard to remain positive and not put the negative nasty out there in the world. So stick with me in these most difficult of times, and see me shine again another day.alone

my baby girl


Today I sit with tear filled eyes
a mixture of sadness and over whelming joy
My baby turns 22
I have a pride in that child that words can not express
She is all I want to be when I grow up
She is fiercely independent
strong, beautiful, confident, wise beyond years
compassionate, caring, honest to a fault,
loyal, defiant, and my greatest accomplishment.

She has lived her life for herself
daring he stuffed shirt father to try and keep her locked away
She has loved and lost
She has been on her own almost entirely since she was 18
She knows who has been her financial supporter, mom
And she is my mini me
When I am filled with self doubt I look at her
I see me in her face, her eyes, her wicked smile
that laugh that fills a room
that stubborn attitude
and suddenly I hold my head a little higher
I walk a little taller
and I dare the world to put me down
more honestly I do not allow myself to put me down

I hope one day the world gives her a mini me
And that when I hold that bundle of joy I will still see me in her eyes
I want that fighting spirit that we share to live on in this world
And for my daughter to feel the same overwhelming pride that I do.

So Happy Birthday my sweet Angel



he reminds me that I was chosen

one out of many who was special enough to catch his attention

It was not the curve of my thigh

or the wicked twinkle in my eye

that won his heart

but the softness inside

It was the woman he saw hidden way

the one barricaded behind fortress walls

she who was hiding in plain sight

daring the world to see past the darkness

somehow he saw through

somehow he broke through

and with each passing day they are no longer two

but one, one soul, one heart one mind, one being

she is his, his prize for a battle won

his sunshine, his princess, HIS

and when the days turn to night

he is hers

Her MOON, her beacon in the dark

her shoulder to lean upon

her hand to hold

He is HERS

together they dare the dark

they fight battles against all who would dare stand in their way

they dream, they hope, they love, they know

that while time and space may keep them apart

for now

she is his chosen and he her prince

and together they will build impenetrable castle walls

where no one can get in

to challenge their love

Of love

Time stood still. It wrapped them up in a gossamer wings. And carried them off into uncharted territory.
Each kiss was sweeter than the first. Each bite more intense than the last. His hands owned her flesh just as his heart owned her heart. He swore to her he had never kissed so much in his life. She giggled and warned him that he had no idea what real kissing was like. And that this was only the beginning.
He laughed at her words as if they were a challenge and kissed her again, hard and devouring.
That kiss melted her into a puddle of willing submission. She was truly his to do with as his desired.
Day became night and then day again. They never left each others side. Bound up in sheets their tangled bodies enter twined in gentle love making. Hertouch body marked by him. Kisses and bites searing him ever deeper into her flesh and her heart. This was a magical kind of love. One that songs and poetry was written about. One that kings and maidens lived in. Not mere mortal man. The gods of mount Olympus were envious of this deep and glorious union. For never before had two flesh become more ONE.

Mistresses and Disney Princesses

Mistress…That word holds so many meanings. And I am beginning to think I have been them all.
I was the queen. Leather and lace. That man dared not defy. The giver of pleasure and pain. She who could bring man to their knees and who would happily give up all control to.

But I am not that woman any more. she was a hard woman. There was no love in her. It was a game of control. There was none in her own life so she wielded it like a weapon. It protected her from feeling. From falling in love. From risking her heart.

But somewhere along the way he showed up.He started out playing her game. But she knew it was not him. Everything about this man screamed Master, Keeper, Protector, Lover, Friend.

Now Mistress holds a different meaning. The word stings her ears, burns her heart and kills her soul. She is loved, cherished, adored. But she is also not his only. She knew it from the beginning. There was one before her. One who had long since taken up residence in his life. One who is the mother of his child, the one ensconsed in her ivory tower. She is an unmovable force. She does not love this man as his princess does. She can not see the divine sweetness in him. The sexiness in the control he wields, not just over her but over everyone. How he has gentle control that need not be aggressive. It is simply the nature of who he is. Well with everyone except her. This first, this one.

I sit in sadness because I am finding that battles and wars are two different things. But one can not win a war when the only battle you have won is this. I see him as he was meant to be. Not how she treats him. not how he is with her. I see the dominate loving man inside. The one filled with passion and lust and desire. The one who wants to make the world a better place simply by being the man he truly is. Never settling, always striving for higher greatness.

But she wins every other battle. I know I have his heart. But she has him held captive in that damn tower. And as the days and nights pass my heart wonders even more if he will ever find his way out. I wonder if Walt Disney ever wrote a story of a conquering Princess who scaled castle walls to steal her Prince from an Evil Queen. If happily ever after came in a big red truck instead of in a pumpkin carriage. If fairy tales really do come true, of if we are just fooling ourselves into believing in Magic.

I know I sound defeated. But I am not. I am simply looking at life as it is, instead of thru my rock star shades. And I am trying to remain calm in the face of measurable danger. But once you have taken me from the dark and shown me the moon in all of its glory. When you have kissed the lips of Sleeping Beauty and awoken her from slumber, you have given me this… HOPE.

Today I read something that said life was not easy. Because if it were it would lack adventure. To be honest I would love to let the adventure go for a bit. To live in easy. But I will slay dragons and demons and EVIL QUEENS, if it gets me even one moment closer to him. Because once, he kissed me, and the world stood still.

The guardian has failed

Always remember that each guardian is but a man, one who, despite his best intent is only human and therefor flawed. His strength is in his love. And in that she will always be safe.


opening-giftOk I am admitting… tomorrow I get another year older. I love being over 40. There was some wild liberation that came with that birthday. And each one since has been prodding me to live instead of just SURVIVING.

This one will be most monumental. I am living on my own. My marriage of almost 24 years died a slow smothering death over the last 14 years. And I could not take watching it choke anymore. So I finally moved out. I went from 2400 square feet of prison to 400 of heaven. Yes I live in a tiny studio basement apartment. But I have found my freedom there. My bills are minimal. So I can focus on the important things in life. I am in therapy with a no nonsense woman who makes me be honest. I am kicking myself in the butt at the gym and in my business. My ass is shrinking while my business is taking a turn back to its former glory. I had let it slip in the past 2 years. My heart was not in it. In fact my heart was so locked away I did not care. But I am damn good at what I do. And I will not settle for half assed.

Tomorrow I am going out with the girls. I am putting on a sexy dress and killer heals. And we are going to the Irish Pub for pints. I will toast to my life, my new found freedom an to LOVE. Because I have felt it, seen it, tasted it, and slept in its arms.

Each day for me is a new journey. I am savoring the moments. Even today… I woke just before 4 am. By 4 I was at the gym. By 6 I was at the car wash. I have a car and shoe obsession. My beautiful mid life crises now has the most perfect mirror shine to it thanks to a proper hand waxing. By 7 I had coffee in my hand and was at work in front of my lap top. Clients will be rolling in by 9. And by 7 this evening I will be laughing my ass off in the bowling alley with my buddies. Summer league is great therapy. The pins can be any ones head. This is MY LIFE. And I will not apologize for even one minute of it.

So here is to me… Loving another year of lessons, and wisdom, and embracing the changes and happiness and sadness and tears and joys that come when you LIVE. Simply surviving is no longer an option.

Dominance and submission – Ok Boys and Girls – Hold On To Your Hats – Fantastic D/s VIdeo #ASMSG

For my darling Master…. YOURS


I found this on tumbler and tried to reblog unsuccessfully, but discovered the original site.

mine copyIt is


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