The changing shape of things

Last night I went out with a girl friend. I was rocking a pale blue floral sundress and nude peep toe pumps with 6 inch heels. I felt amazing. I had been shopping and was on a high from the reality that I was back in the non plus size department of the store. Standing in line for the bar it was a rush when you could feel the eyes checking out my legs. Then the sucker punch came. A girl walked by who was very curvy, and my friend looked at me and said ” I remember when you were that size” I never imaged I was ever that size. It made me begin to wonder if the reason my marriage died was because of me. Had he lost his want for me because of my size? But to be fair he was not the skinny guy I had married either and I had not lost my desire for him. Well not until the end. It was when I realized I was not in love with him anymore that I no longer felt the physical desire.

So here we both were, shrinking in size. When I last saw him, physically he looked good, but there was still no craving for him. It was gone. In fact when he reached over to hold my hand I wanted to escape as fast as possible.

 

It was in that moment when I realized that for me love and sex were connected. They had to be. There was no one without the other. I had done my run of sex for the sake of sex. And I had begged for sex from the man I had been in love with. Both things had left me empty and alone.

 

But I also realized that my changing size had not been the reason for the death of my marriage. And that if had been one of HIS  issues then he was not the man I ever wanted to give another chance to. I wanted and deserved to be loved no matter what size I was. Because love had nothing to do with a girls curves, but with the mental and emotional connection between two people.

So all of that being said, I will continue to go to the gym, not to catch some ones eye, but for me. Because I feel good, and I love being back in GIRL shoes and feeling sexy in them. Yes I have a shoe problem.  From where I sit I can see 23 pair of them, and if you saw the size of my apartment you would grasp the absurdity of my shoe disease.  I am happy being me. And I have been blessed with a man who found me sexy when I was heavier and who lovingly supports me in my endeavor to be healthier. But who also says, “please don’t get to thin” because he loves my curves and my ample ass.  things will shift and change  and time will tell, but for now, in this moment I am happy with me. To be honest I have always been happy with me. I never could see the reality of what size I was when I looked in the mirror. I only saw the real me in photos. I guess it was some kind of reverse Body Dismorphic Disorder. I was not the skinny girl who sees herself as fat, but the fat girl who can not see how chubby she is. It was living is blissful ignorance. A blessing and a curse, because I lived every day thinking I was ok, and as my weight went up and down I could not see the change. To me I always looked the same. Funny how life can be, looking at yourself thru rose colored glasses.

So welcome to my rambling.. it seems that my brain is all over the place right now. Its time to extract myself from my closet apartment and go get the laundry done, like the grown up I am. And plan for the week ahead. And enjoy the ever changing shape of things.

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3 Comments

  1. June 30, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    So beautifully written. The way that he thinks about your beauty just the way you are. Even if you were to have curves, i have never been a skinny girl but have always been confident and its never got in the way when it comes to making love. For i too believe that love, sex, passion and marriage, spirituality and intimacy are connected. I mean why would anyone want to marry if these without them,

  2. Gwennie said,

    July 1, 2013 at 5:13 am

    *chuckles* It is nice to know you’re not the only 1 out there as I’m a big girl who just can’t seem to see herself like most people probably do. I’m aware I’m big but when I look at myself I just…accept it as part of me…knowing I’m cute no matter what anyone else thinks. *huggies* & am so happy things are going like they are for you…sounds like you’re definitely blessed.

  3. hispetitelle said,

    July 1, 2013 at 11:56 am

    As we release all the negative that we “stuffed” inside the weight comes off. We must “submit” to our true selves and then in that freedom that true self shows on the outside. You’re in that place. Good for you!


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