Please hang in there with me…

I had the ah ha moment. The one where I finally grasp why I want out of my marriage. I knew I was unhappy. I knew things were wrong. But you don’t always have the words to go with the feelings. Now I do. So I need to write them out in a way that I can share with my soon to be ex. I need him to understand so that we can finally let each other go. So please hand in there with me while I find the words to this event in my life.

 

Joseph,

I know that this has not been an easy thing. Us living in separate homes. You watching me pack and move out. The dinners together, the distance between us growing even more. But it has been necessary. It has allowed me to step back out of the forest of our life and see things as they are instead of simply feeling.

You have said that many of our issues stem from my childhood abuse and my long hours at work. And you are right. I was raised to be silent, obedient, and to take care of others over myself. To be strong. But the truth is I am not that strong. I have tried to be. I wanted to be. It is why I dove so head long into my  work. I wanted to be good at something, to have something that was fully MINE. And I wanted to have the money to give you some breathing room. We have had some very lean years, and I know how you worry over money. So I worked harder to be helpful. And in doing so I grew away from you and resentful. The more I worked the more I took on. And you had the freedom to have things. You enjoy your things. I grew to hate them. I was jealous of your toys and your truck. Going so far as to call them your Mistresses. You handled them more than you ever did me.

I have severe abandonment issues. Mom chose her husbands over me. She let them use me and play with me. And all I remember was wanting her to care for me, protect me, love me more than she did her life. You see… I needed you to do what she never could. And when we meet I was a wide eyed child who believed that you could and would do all you said. I wanted a protector, a person to love me above all else. And I know that you tried. But  life got in the way. Your health got in the way. Our financial struggles got in the way. That damn house got in the way. And yes my job got in the way.

We both want different lives. You are happy in your solitude. I need people. You love to hunt and to wash your truck. It sooths you. I want to go to concerts and the theater. I love the busy. I want friends over for dinner. And honestly how many times in 24 years have we had friends over for dinner? Actually, do we even have friends?

So I sit here asking you to know that I love you. I have since the moment I saw you. But I need the things I NEED.  I need to be someone’s life, someone’s love. To be the most important thing in their world. And I know that you say that I am, but we have had years of me not seeing it, not feeling it. And I would rather be alone than to spend another year LONELY next to you. It is time to let go. I want you to find your happiness. And I hope that includes someone who wants the life you want. You are a good man who deserves happiness. And I am a good woman who deserves it too.

With the deepest respect, for the love we once shared.

Honey

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5 Comments

  1. rougedmount said,

    July 9, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    so sad and so very authentic…it had me thinking about my own life and knowing decisions are coming

    • loneyheart said,

      July 9, 2013 at 7:17 pm

      it has been a long time coming. but I just could not find the words. The therapist said I needed to be direct. And all I wanted to say was… I am never coming home. But there needed to be some calm honest explination so we both could let go. I will be sending this to him soon. It s time

  2. July 9, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Wishing you nothing but the best in the matters at hand and in the both of your futures as they appear and happen… ✦

  3. Kayla Lords said,

    July 9, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    ((HUGS))

  4. July 9, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    A story of courage and heartbreaking but surreal. Many face the same, but they never seem to have the courage to see it through Much less have the ability their true heart and explain it so unconditionally. Thank you for sharing.


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