pulling the trigger

Last night was the hardest conversation of my life. Sitting him down to tell him that I was done. I had nothing left in me and the fight to keep us together was over. The following conversation was painful and sad. He married me at 19, and in his eyes I am still that girl. I have done nothing to help him with our home. And I was a failure as a wife. I chose my job over him.  That’s his view. Mine is,, I worked hard to make his life easier, I did not spend money on sheet rock, but I paid the house insurance for years. And I was by his side for almost every project. It all came down to dollars and cents. I was belittled for not paying him back for money he pulled from savings to pay off the balance of my medical bills. But what man does not cover his wifes medical expense. Especially when she pays for her own health insurance. I am just at a loss. I went to talk to him, so we both could stop living in limbo. I walked away more sure of my choice. I hated hurting him. He has good in him. But he is selfish. He can not see past himself. And I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

So we see the attorney later this week. And where I live a no contest divorce can take less than 60 days. So by the time we reach our 24th wedding anniversary we will be no more. It is sad how life turns out. You start with such plans, such dreams. And then life happens.. And those who do not grow together fall apart. Right now, I have fallen apart, but ready to rebuild.

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10 Comments

  1. Cracked Sky said,

    July 15, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    I can’t like this, in it’s truest sense, because of the circumstances that have driven you to such a resolution. I can like the strength and courage it takes to take these steps, then put them to lines for others to witness. Bless you, lonelyheart.

    • loneyheart said,

      July 15, 2013 at 11:55 pm

      it has been years of reasons why we fell apart.
      the fact we married when I was so young and had no self identity. The fact that he is a selfish man. The fact that I wanted a fairytale and got Cinderella without the glass slipper. And yes the fact that his lack of physical attention to me led me to do things that I wish were different. But in the end it is this, we simply loved each other in the wrong way. I did not speak his love language and he did not speak mine. I needed to be held and loved and told. He needed a clean house and food on the table. We just did not make it. It is a sad thing. But I need to be happy and so does he, and together we were not happy. I hope he finds it.

  2. July 15, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    I think you are very brave. You have conquered the hardest part and that is the decision to accept and the will to change it. You are stronger than many even him. And please try not think of as falling apart but as restart. a bit of a kick start. You are very gifted and talented. oh, the medical bills, not to worry, it was his only defense. Toushe’

  3. Curious Man said,

    July 15, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    You do deserve to be happy and to answer your question…he is not much of a man if he can’t take care of her.

  4. rougedmount said,

    July 15, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    it is sad …but when a door closes a window opens

  5. Kayla Lords said,

    July 16, 2013 at 9:56 am

    It’s hard…so hard…but I am happy for you that you found your strength and that you’ve done what’s right for you…

  6. airasetsunyo said,

    July 16, 2013 at 11:46 am

    ahh i am sorry for the pain and anguish. Even though it is the right decision that doesn’t take away from the pain and anguish of making that decision. i have said for a long time, its walking away from someone you love that can be the most difficult of choices … because in the end we all deserve to be happy. i remember the conflict, hurt, confusion and frustration all too well and wish you both the best.

    yours in life and leather
    aira
    slave of DarkHouse
    dungeonbag.com
    corsetpassion.com

    • loneyheart said,

      July 16, 2013 at 2:24 pm

      I loved him from the first moment I saw him. I chased him, even though I was painfully shy. We had some good times. And even the end was not bad just empty. I grew up, we grew apart, plain and simple. So now the hard part happens and I get to see the side of him I don’t like. The greedy selfish side. And I hope when it is all done I can still look and him and at least say I still like him. I am beginning to wonder if I can.

      • daytightliving said,

        July 17, 2013 at 4:10 pm

        I had that hope initially as well. Now I seethe with hatred and resentment for the small, small male who couldn’t be the man I needed. Couldn’t think of his family or his wife, only himself. Please don’t let that happen to you. It’s incredibly painful and makes a bad situation so much worse. I would not wish it on my very worst enemy.

  7. daytightliving said,

    July 17, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    I have been where you are and it’s a terrible thing. Terrible, regardless of the circumstances that brought it about.

    Be glad it will be over in 60 days, that you don’t live in a state where you must be legally separated for a year and a day before you can even file. Where the issues and the legalities drag out over a period of months and kill your spirit a little bit each day.

    You’re going to be ok. It will take time, but you will. Be strong. Cry when you need to. And lean on anyone who will let you. xo


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