new state of mind

I am going to take a break for  a few days. Just myself alone at the hot springs. Time to reboot the brain. To take stock of my life and see what I really want. I hope that upon my return I will have calmed down, released some of the stress, and made some very important decisions about my life. So to all of you out there… have a great holiday weekend. Live true and honest. Know that if you have to tell someone how wonderful you are then you may not be so wonderful. That love has no limits and no boundaries. And above all else,,, be true to yourself

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life is what you make of it

life

I am tired of living his life. That’s why i left. But i am still trapped by it. Until we can actually make the divorce done. But i am trying day by bloody day to make my life my own.

Those languages of love

I have the most darling client. She has been a widow for almost 3 yrs now. And often we talk about the power of a hug. The simple need for touch. And how just a hug can fill the dark places.

Part of my therapy was digging into what kinds of language i needed and how i spoke love to those around me.
I am a touch girl. That is not always sex. I need held and kissed and hugged.
To be told i am beautiful is one thing. To have it shown to me by a passionate kiss is another. To have someone walk up to me and gently touch my face is almost as powerful. To see that look in someones eyes as they look deeply into yours. To have their full and undevided attention.

I am good at giving the words. I am good at giving the touch. I love to buy gifts. But i did that with my ex. And i learning to stop before i shop. I am trying hard to listen to those around me and learn how they need love rather than just giving it in the way I want it. Because it is not just for your intimate partners. How you extend love to your friends is just as important.
My closest girlfriend is a “Quality Time” girl. So we do dinner. We talk. She is very busy, so to just sit and chat is a big thing to her.
My darling Master, is a “Words of Affirmation” man. He needs his ego feed. To remind him that he is in control, and that he can conquer the world if he chooses. My ex was a mix of “Quality time and Acts of Service” He needed you to hang out with him. To just be close. And to show him love thru a clean house and food on the table.

It is vital to listen to those around you and to learn that how we need love is not how others need it. And that if we truly love them we will have to step out of our comfort zones to give them love in the manner that they need.

It is part of my current life learning. Taking stock in myself and those around me. Those i hold dear. And learning to talk to them in the ways they need. I know i have fallen short in some of those aspects. I have not feed some of the people in my life. But i am facing the fact that sometimes it is hard to give when your own plate feels so empty.

In my job i touch people all day. But it is a profession in which people NEED you. It sucks the energy from you. And i have come to grasp that my lack of return human contact is taking an emotional toll on me. I am draining my own energy reserves in taking care of everyone else. And it is a huge part of my current RETREAT status. I need time away, where no one needs me. Where i do not have to touch a single soul. Yes i know i will not be getting the touch i so desperately need in return. But to not have to give, will be a relief.

I hope that i will find ways to fill my energy reserves. To be feed myself. But for now, life is one breath at a time. One moment at a time. One heartbeat at a time.

And i hope that everyone knows and understands that i am in preservation mode right now. It is not from a lack of love or concern. I am simply hiding because i am so drained. I fear i will lose what is left of myself if i do not find a healthy way to cope with life as it currently is.

Pain

Engulfed in it
Drowning in it
Washed out to sea by it
Never denying it
The physical part of it
The heart of it
The how do I get away from it

With every breath it consumes me
With every movement burns thru me
My body screaming, why do you to this to me
My heart crying, me to

Days and memories
Dreams and hopes
All marred by it
Scared by it
The pain you see
The pain you don’t
All holding my breath in my chest
All burning my body and soul
Mental confusion
Emotional Delusion

All I want is for it to stop

But I need to let go
Let peace have a place
Let love and time and hope find space
Instead I hold it in my tightly closed fist
And squeeze the life right out of it
Fear grasps at me
Tears flow from me
Dreams and hopes die inside of me
All because I won’t just let him love me
Some fear of worth, some hate of self
Some knowledge that life will never be easy
Some want to change my life
Some fear that I don’t

And so I live alone in my pain
And I cause him to live alone in his

The Divide

I seem to be living these words. The wanting of him, the loving him, and yet my own demons keeping us apart. Some invisible wall that I have yet to tear down. Locking myself away and keeping him just out of reach. Knowing that we would feel so much more peace in each others embrace. And yet I stand my ground like some demented fool. My head and my heart and my demons doing battle at the expense of his heart. In the end we both will suffer and my heart will die a thousand deaths because I could not let the wall down.

Hungry For More

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Surrounded in white.

It’s all I can see.

A dark figure ahead.

Stepping closer.

In this isolation.

You draw me in.

Again I move forward.

You seem miles away.

My salvation lies ahead.

It lies with you.

I know I’ll reach you.

No matter how long it might take.

It doesn’t matter.

I continue on.

My pace quickens the closer I get.

Anticipation builds.

Wanting you in my arms.

To feel your touch.

The comfort that you offer.

Almost there.

You come into view.

I stop and take you in.

Your lips curve upward.

A smile forms.

Returning my own.

I approach you.

The warmth in your expression.

An affectionate gaze.

I reach out to you.

Your hand is there.

Stretched out and palm up.

Our fingers are about to meet.

I feel something hard.

Not your tender flesh.

An invisible wall.

Separating us.

Pulling my hand back.

So strange.

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I am going to brag

Last night was a big night for me. This was the first season for me to bowl a full season. I had a team of my own. And half of us were first timers and the other half had not played in several years. We all were determined to make this season one to remember.
Last night we held on firmly to our second place standing. To do that we had to play against the first place team and win all three games. And YES WE DID.
I could not be a prouder woman. And I am so excited to start the fall league soon. I get to bowl with some great friends. Life is truly good.

thank you

sweet bitter

How things are are often a point of view issue.
I am finding that life can be both bitter and sweet all at once.
So I am celebrating and growing all at once.
Embrace change, live the moments, and love with every breath.
Because you next one may not come.

Watching Wounds Heal

A week ago I burnt my arm badly on a curling iron. I have daily watched its progression from blistered wound to scab to slowly healing repaired flesh.
It got me to thinking, how much easier it would be if we could see emotional wounds. If we could see the progression of them healing. If we could see if they were getting better, or if they were becoming toxic wounds in need of a lancing.

It is easier to work on something you see. You remember to but salve on it. To protect it. But the mental and emotional wounds we ignore. We let a busy life come first. We do not sooth them, protect them from further damage. Instead we shove them aside and think they will care for themselves. And then one day… BAMMMM. Like a mac truck they hit us and knock us off our feet. The wounds are deeper and more caustic. They have done damage in places we did not expect.
And now we have an even bigger wound. We may have even caused pain in places we never intended. We could of hurt people we loved because we have ignored the flesh eating soul damaging wound.

I have shoved mine for far to long. I am battling them. And yes there are many. They seem to have piled up one upon the other. I try to live in the moment. To be open to the positive. To believe that all things happen for a reason. But the honest painful truth is… We are built by our experiences. Our brains remember shit that we can only see the dark edges of. And it lives in our bodies like a caustic fluid.

I wish that it were an easy thing. That I could lay them out and that those who love me could simply hold my hand and make them all go away. But some battles you can only fight alone. Yes people can be there for support. But in the end it is you against the demons. You against your wounds. I kinda feel like a tiger. I have gone to battle and have currently retreated to my corner to lick my wounds and let them heal before battling my next foe. And yes each one feels like a battle to the death. One of us must go. And damn it I want to live. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to live my life with love and truth and faith and TRUST. That’s a big one for me. At this moment the person I trust the least is myself. I do not trust my own mind, my own heart. But I hope with time….

Me

Me

feeling as fiery as my hair. Yes I love him… Yes I am confused and working thru it all. Yes I need patience, Yes I need time.
But the decision to stay or to go is his. The choice to wait is his. I am not easy. I will push and test him at every turn. I am no longer hiding. This is me. And I am lunazule, the girl who does not know how to stand and fight.

Don’t love me… Just Fuck Me

I know… the title sounds harsh. But the truth feels just that harsh.
Mari posted a lovely decleration this morning to her love about her need of him. It made me remember a conversation I had almost 2 years ago.

My marriage was broken and I had hit the lowest spot of my life. I had a long distance on line relationship with a man who turned out to be the worst lesson I ever had to learn. He was a man who wanted to share me with everyone, male, female, canine, and equine. When I extracted myself from that madness he told me that for a girl with so little experience in love I was a master at breaking hearts. I bit back at him with the words… I guess I should of told you from day one… DONT LOVE ME JUST FUCK ME.

Here it is, months down the road and I am sure that my stupid little heart is uncapable of real love. And that I am just as he said, the queen of hearbreak and destruction. I hurt everyone I touch, everyone I love. I have since I was a small girl. Put here on this earth to rain down fire on tender hearts. I do not live in the dark.. I live in the eternal flames of hell on earth. Wanting so desperately to be loved, and running from it the moment it gets to real, to close. Or maybe it never got close enough? Who knows…

But for now I am embracing the fire. Taking my hair back to the Scarlett Harlot that once was. I can feel the burning fires within and they want to cause the world to cower in fear. The princess is about to become the Queen.
She will show no weakness, she will feel no love. She will only do what she has to, to protect herself. And lord help mortal man. Because she will show no mercy.

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