fantasy, reality and the sting of truth

I meet him while deeply ensconsed in my own fantasy. Living a life on line that reality would not let me have. His words were a balm to my soul. His smile a soothing salve to a wounded heart. Time went by and I found him invading my reality. The two worlds blending seamlessly into one. Talk of love and life. The building of US. But real life was always there on the edge of it all. And in time I walked away from the home that held no love. And still he was there. There in my ear, in my head, in my heart. But all the while I knew that fantasy and reality would soon collide.
His own life held fast. And even when it seemed as if our dreams might come to light, the harsh light of day would rise up to scorch my dreams. Our one meeting so hardening my heart that I can not let it go. Even his own words scrape wounds in me. ” Soon I will be on the road again my love, then there will be an US again.” “US” should not have ever vanished is such a way. “When I leave she will be done and then I will tell her I want a SEPERATION.” That word stung like a million bee stings. She plays with him like a cat and a mouse. Toying at the edges, keeping him alive just enough to not end her game.
Then there is the control. He has learned it well. It was always in him. But she was not willing to surrender to him like that. But I did. I did with abandon. Needing to feel anything. Afraid and alone in the world. Married to a man who cared not to touch all that craved to be touched. My on line love listened to my every word and used then with well crafted skills.
When his wife found my messages of surrender and love he crafted a lie. But the best lies hold truth. I was just some on line slut. A woman willing to preform for his desires. Nothing but a way to have the thing he craved, that his wife would not do. Let him watch. Now all I hear is that. I want to carve the name of his on line harlot into my skin. Each time we have played since I cry when he is gone because that is how I feel. Simply like his toy.
And all the while back in my real life the chance of happiness hangs on the edge. Someone who does not have all of the physical attributes of my Master. Nor the financial. But has the kindest of hearts. One who has always been there. Waiting for me to see the light of day. Refusing to approach until the final divorce papers came. That was until he heard about my Master. then like lightning he sprung up, afraid to sit back and wait. Declaring his undying devotion. And the sting of reality bites. The love is there. It always has been. Gently lurking beneath the surface. And I am faced with a choice. Wait for my Master to leave, or not. To decide if I walk away from my life. Because I know he would despise me for making him walk away from his. He has said he would, but a wise woman would never take him from what defines so much of him. To risk the madness of a life of dealing with his ex, who is clearly an unstable woman. To fight the image of myself as his DONNA, THE ON LINE HARLOT in my own head.

Or, let my life take this soft and gentle path. To ease into a life with a gentle man. One whos devotion is evident. Who calls me pumpkin and beautiful every day. Whos company I enjoy with out the physical. But whos youth holds great promise of years of fun ahead.

Most of my head and my heart simply wish the damn cruise line would call and I could run for a few months. Away from everyone and let myself think. To not be so bombarded with emotions. To just be myself alone. But that would not be till November at best. I have been working harder and harder in an attempt to push the world out. But all that has done is left me more fragile. My head and my heart battling. I cry to much, I neglect myself to much. I am a beaten and broken woman. Gone from a long marriage to one man that I loved with all of my being, to this single life. I am afraid to love that deeply again. To lose myself to one man so completely. Because even now I am not sure who I am. What I want, or where to go from here.

I feel like Alice, in that damn rabbit hole. Falling and spinning, not knowing which way is up. What is the dream, what is the truth? And can I just go have a smoke of something with the catipillar and magically have all of the answers?

I just don’t. So for now I am off to my second job. Lord help me I think I have gone mad.

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9 Comments

  1. a said,

    August 18, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    a heartbreaking struggle xxx

  2. gemini said,

    August 18, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Loneyheart, you haven’t gone mad, you just have so much to think about and writing it down will help. Just don’t make any rash decisions. You have got over one hurdle already. One step at a time. Life can be a struggle, but it won’t be forever for sure. Warmest wishes..Gem Xx

  3. August 18, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Can you see light at the end of the tunnel?

  4. August 19, 2013 at 3:50 am

    Do not lose hope, what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. I know my master still loves me.

  5. Kayla Lords said,

    August 20, 2013 at 2:01 am

    ((HUGS)) It’s hard to believe that something amazing can happen after heartbreak and confusion, but give it time and there will come a moment when you know exactly what you want…until then, write it out if you need to…((HUGS))

  6. August 21, 2013 at 2:13 am

    Loneyheart,

    You got me at “rabbit hole”.

    You have not gone mad… Follow your heart…

    Mr. Fox

  7. MaríMar said,

    August 23, 2013 at 4:23 am

    I know it’s harsh to be diminished in order to save his marriage… At least for the time being. 😦
    I am sorry.
    You will survive this… You aren’t going mad. It just will take time…
    xoxox


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