The seasons are changing

I love the fall. The world seems to exhale in the crisp fall air. You bring in the tender plants. You pull out your favorite sweater. Heavy cumbersome jackets are not yet needed. Coffee on the porch in the morning is akin to a mini vacation. The colors begin to change and kitchens begin to make comfort food in big warm bowls.

This morning I woke up and felt fall in the air. There is an energy to it. It is the moment of change. Change of seasons, change of life. By the time fall is fully here I will be divorced. Holding in my hand the proof of my freedom. It has been weighing heavy on my mind. Labor Day marks 24 years. The grief of the death of my marriage is one that stings. I could go home and make things OK, but I would never be happy. My life right now, in many ways is exactly how it needs to be. I am out with friends, really living. Enjoying the MOMENTS. I am working hard and still applying for jobs on the cruise lines. I need to, want to, embrace the change. Each day that passes reminds me that I do not want to be bound to someone again. Not right now. I want to savor my freedom.

An older gentleman client recently told me that I needed to date everyone that asked. That did not mean to have sex, but dinner, a movie, dancing, what ever. Because a divorce destroys your confidence. I am just now really building any in myself. I was not a girl who dated. I married the second guy to ever ask me out. The first one to kiss me. I have felt deep and strong emotions for someone since. But every fiber of me screams, NO>>> No cages, no boundaries, no rules… not yet…

I know who I am at the moment. But I feel the change. I want to experience life, to grow with it. I want to flow with the seasons. To feel the cold sting of winter and know that come spring I survived it. I want to blossom in the spring and enjoy the fact that I have a new life. I want to feel summers heat on my skin and let it sear the sadness of lost life and lost years out of my mind and heart. I want to become comfortable in my own company.

Yes this is probably some response to my life in a cage. The one of my childhood, the one of my marriage. But I need my wings. Not clipped but free and soaring. I need to be like that wild range pony whos mane is unbound. I need to be like a small child who has a new experience in the world every day. To see it thru new eyes, and full of wonder.

I have loved you my Master. But I think it is a time of change and growth and freedom for us both.
You filled a dark and lonely space In my heart. You pulled down walls and opened doors. You helped me see another side of me that I never knew existed. And I will always love you for that. For your kindness, your gentleness. For learning me inside and out. For being able to make my body sing from thousands of miles away. For loving me when I was sure I deserved nothing but a swift kick in the ass. For encouraging me to take care of myself, for myself. You have taught me so much. But I am in a place where I need to learn on my own. To take risks and chance. To embrace the changes, like the seasons and know that every season cycles back around in its own due time.

1 Comment

  1. hispetitelle said,

    August 22, 2013 at 2:58 am

    Sending you peace.

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