morning ride

The day began to wake with the faintest glimmer of sunlight peeking thru the curtains. Her eyes adjusting to the splinters of light.

Next to her he lay sleeping. His warm naked body a curled up mound under the covers. Reaching out her fingers grazed his thigh. He did not stir. Like bristles on a paint brush her fingers ran back and forth over his skin leaving a trail of goose bumps. With a moment of bold daring her hand trailed to see if his body had responded to her touch. There under the covers was his magnificent manhood in full erection. She loved his body, and the sheer size of his cock. She knew she would never be able to take all of it, no matter where he tried to put it. And yes she loved the challenge. But damn that boy was hung like a horse.

His body was slightly turned away from her, but as her fingertips gently rounded the crest of his perfectly cut crown his entire body shifted. Now she was faced with a delima. Continue to stroke it, hoping he would wake  and take her. Slide down and take him in her mouth, knowing that at some point he would grab her hair in his sleep and shove the full length of his cock down her throat, only to fully wake when he came in her mouth. Or climb on him and take all she wanted. It was all tempting thoughts, but the every increasing dampness between her wet lips told her what she needed.

With the grace of a jungle cat she put him beneath her. His eyes flickering as his erection slipped between her wet and quivering lips. She slid ever so slowly down, trying to take in the full length of him. She leaned forward whispering in his ear. I need you. A smile escaped his lips as he whispered back, Then take what you want my queen. He wrapped his arm around her waist and held her tightly to his chest. Their bodies doing a complex but primal dance until in trembling exhaustion she screamed his name as their bodies reached a combined climax.  Even spent he filled her body. She looked at him with proud eyes and a beaming smile. This was sure one hell of a way to start the weekend. Laying there on his chest she drifted off to sleep. He was indeed her King.

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Broken

She lived her life broken

the child of damaged souls

a play toy to the world

unable to stand on her own

 

Life was a battle ground

covered in the blood of her shattered heart

her faith in humanity lost

holding no true hope for mankind

 

A white knight on a fiery steed came calling

and dreams and hopes came true

but life has a way of falling

and this abyss was new

 

time past

hope fades

dreams lost

blossoms gone

 

she took lovers in search of feeling

she was like a holy man, beaten by self

not with knot tied ropes

but by her own self loathing

 

there were moments of sunshine

glimmers of hope in the dark

but she could not stay in the sun

it was not there in here heart

 

Until one day in desperation

she loved and lost once more

seeing others broken by her madness

was more that her heart could absorb

 

How could she do to others

what had kept her broken so long

so she pulled herself up by her boot straps

and packed away her demon hoards

 

She will dare to stand in the sun

She will risk its burn on her skin

She will see each day beginning

And embrace when it comes to an end

 

She will choose when to love wisely

No more to gather hearts like badges

And pray that in time those she has loved

Will forgive her transgressions

 

For she was a girl unknowing

Un realizing the sins of her ways

And she was also still searching

For love to fill her days

 

But now she is older and wiser

Her heart not so broken in two

Stitched back together by those

Who loved her even though they knew

 

 

But now she is older and wiser

Growing

Eyes closed, listening
Breath still, gasping
Heart beating, longing
Brain racing, dreaming

every fiber of her is alive
dreams and hopes survive
she looks out her window and knows
the path before her flows

there will be bumps along the way
lovers have come and gone, some stay
but in her heart they have a place
they helped her see a smiling face

so she opens her eyes and sees
her breath fills lungs and dreams
her heart keeps beating through the pain
her brain stops racing and chooses a way

this is the power of woman
this is the heart of life
this is the way to tomorrow
to simply let go of the strife

embrace your new beginnings
respect and adore the past
hold in high expectation
all that came and did not last

For without those tears and heartbreak
how could we ever know love
Each broken dream a blessing
Gifts from a god above

Lessons to show us a path way
Dreams that need not come true
Faith in a better tomorrow
Love that each day is new

Stand and fight

more than once i have heard those words… when things get hard you won’t stand and fight.

It ate at me, I wondered what kind of woman i was. But then it hit me.. I did stand and fight. I fought

for 24 years. I fought to keep a marriage alive. I fought for the love i once felt for him more than life it self.

And then I QUIT. 

I had  couple of years were i searched. Looking for something to stand and fight for again. 

I found people who needed me, people who i needed in the moment. But when i looked at life from the view of

FOREVER, well i did not truthfully see them in my life. I was unsure of what i wanted, of who i wanted to ultimately be.

But i know… I know who i am. I know what i want… and i know what is worth standing and fighting for.

I want to build something, this life that i was sure i was getting when i was 19 and newly married. 

A man who loves me and calls me his QUEEN. One who will openly play with me and yet still treat me with love and dignity and integrity. One who can and will put me as close to first in his life as he can.

Yes there are moments when other things will come before me. But even in those, he will says to me.. you should be first.

Not because i have asked it of him, but because that is who he is.

Others may look and him and not see what i do. I see his heart, his soul, his dreams and hopes and desires for tomorrow and beyond. I see a life and a home to build a life time of happiness in. 

And i see that  life is not easy, but it can be easier. 

Call me what you will.. fickle, fast, foolish, unstable, unwise, I don’t care…

For me, when something is real and true it just works. And when i see my tomorrow, or my next month or next year.. I see him. That man who is worth standing, and fighting for.

More importantly I am fighting for me. For my happiness, my destiny.
I don’t want someone who needs second chances. I want someone who makes the most of every moment we have. Who, even in the worst of circumstances puts me ahead of the drama. Who makes sure that I never have to ask for my 5 minutes. But gives me 30 just to be sure I am taken care of and them says to the rest of the world, NOW I have time for you.
Some may call this unrealistic. But I don’t. I will and have given my all from the depths of my heart. I have closed my business, jumped on a plane and flown all night, to prove to someone I loved them. And all I wanted was half of that in return. I needed it, I deserved it.
No this is not meant to poke the bear. This is so that those of you out there who have followed along, may get a clearer picture of life from where I stand. I know I am a needy woman. And at this juncture in my life I will not settle for feeling second to anything or anyone. I will not feel like the mistress or the girlfriend or the ego booster.
I will be his Queen or I will be nothing else. That is who I am.

moments of truth (pt 5)

Days turned to weeks and they had spent every spare moment together. Family and friends meet and knowing smiles of approval given. He spent most of his nights in happiness curled up in her bed. Their bodies fitting together as if made for each other. But something was not as it should be. She had asked to see his home. She knew he had one. He has spoken of it. But it never brought a smile to his eyes. There was a sadness in him when he mentioned it. It was always in context of his previous marriage. He would tell her that one day he would have her there. But as Christmas approached she began to wonder if he was trying to keep her at arms length or if there was some other reason he kept her way.

One day while talking to his father, a man who’s smile matched his sons, she let it slip that she had only been to the front steps of his sons home. Dad, with is knowing smile, told her in his gentle voice to be patient. His sons heart had become a fragile place in the wake of is broken marriage, and that his home had become something of a wall of protection. He had let it fall into disarray as a way to keep people at bay.
There was a piece of her heart that understood that all to well. For a time during the death of her marriage she had let parts of her own life fall apart. Time and love would heal those wounds.

But fate has a way of forcing people to act. And one afternoon a water main broke at her home, leaving her newly carpeted home a pond. She was about to go stay with friends when he pulled up at the front door and without a word took the bag from her hand, placing it in the back of his truck. She silently slid in the passenger seat. The drive wound thru the country side. A part of the world that a year ago had been charred by wild fire. The bleak and blackened trees in stark contrast to the gleaming green grass beneath. she had always loved this part of the world.

Pulling up to his home, he looked at her and said, if you want to bolt I will understand.
As she stepped into the front room, her eyes took in the once beautiful home, that was now a shattered mass of rubble. With tear filled eyes she placed her head on his shoulder and asked where to put her bag. The next few days were spent in quietness. He would ask her to sit once she had gotten done with work while he spent the next few hours picking up. Slowly returning the house to its previous gleaming self.
Often she would ask to help, but the look on his face told her that he needed to do this.
The pride in him had been broken when his ex left. She took his family. Not his children by blood, but the only ones he would ever have. A child hood trauma had left him unable to father his own. Taking his boys had left him a broken man, and his home had become as broken as his soul.

Soon the place looked like a castle. Gleaming in the mid day sun. It was clean and repairs made. But when he looked at it he could still hear the laughter of his lost children. He knew that this place would never again me home.

Soul Mate

Image

Taking responsibility

I was recently accused of not taking responsibility for my own behavior.

That I blamed my actions on others.

What I have come to see is this.

I am responsible for what I do, for what I have done, for the things I have said, for the pain I have caused

But

Every action I have taken I took because of an emotion

An emotion spurred on by the actions of someone dear to me

My ex husbands blatant action of ignoring me made me feel alone and undesireable

So I went looking for attention

And yes I found it

Most of it very unhealthy

My first affair acted like a child

So I went on a path of discovery

And ended up an on line Mistress/ Dom

I was angry with the actions of every man in my life

So I went on a quest for a girlfriend

My girlfriends crazy lesbian obsessiveness was to much so I went back to the on line life

I was unfulfilled there

So I met a man who became my Master

And I played as his sub for a year

I was not truly happy in that role

So I broke a good mans heart

I am not proud of anything I did in that time frame

There were other lovers

There was behavior befitting a harlot

Not the woman I really want to be

Not a woman of quality

And now all I can do is ask for forgiveness

Because I am human and flawed

More broken than most

Not as fucked up as some

But I alone am responsible for how I behaved

How I treated those around me

I never expected to hold someones heart

Hell, I was not even sure I had one of my own, until recently

I am sorry,

 

not who you think i am

how many times did I say it

how many ways did I try to express it

I am deep and dark and complicated

I was ever searching

I did not know who I was or what I wanted

You asked me for things that I happily gave

You asked me for things I did with reservation

You were the first to really listen

But that is who you are, you listen because you need the control

How better to keep a person on the straight and narrow than to hear there heart, and use it

I am not saying its a bad thing, but simply a tool in your tool box, one of many

You have a strength about you, one that my weak heart clung to

You spoke beautiful words to me, you showered me in lovely things, the things of my hearts desire

you tried, not with cruel intent, to mold me into the perfect pet

And I, in my nature, tried to be all that you desired

But time went by, and as I learned to be on my own, I changed

I did not want to be your pet, I did not want to utter those words

You know it is my true nature to never want to hurt anyone

But how could I leave? How could I let you know that my heart had changed?

That I could not be all that you desired, because it was not who I was.

It was not the woman I became.

Yes I lied, Yes I found comfort in his arms, Yes I moved on

But time and time again I tried to tell you.

I  am not the woman you think I am…

I am so much more

And all that I gave away was never really yours

Because the entire time I was with you,,, you were still hers

in love with the idea

There are moments in your life when you realize something.

I was in love with the idea..

the idea of being his pet

the idea of being special

the idea of being loved  and protected by the mountain of a man

the idea of being his everything, even when I realized that was not even remotely realistic

the idea of having a life style that would not require me to work, even though I always will, because I want to

the idea of the fantasy life that we both crave

the idea of meeting him at the door drink in hand, even though I think he drinks to much, and it worries me

the idea of loving his controlling ways, even though it really pissed me off every day to have to account for my schedule

Yes there were many wonderful moments.

But reality and fantasy… hopes, dreams, desires and cold hard truth… well those are very different things.

And while I will tell you that he is a good, kind and giving man. I will also say this… he can be harsh and bitter and mean spirited.

He learned that from the best teacher on this earth. The amazon bitch. And I wish for him nothing but love and happiness, and truth. I hope he finds the woman who can give him everything he desires. And that she is more than just and idea.. but a reality.

Roar

And this is why i will always be a Katy fan. This song comes from a place in my heart. I let life hold me down. Not just people, but situations. And i am in a place where i am learning to ROAR

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