Love, subs, and being lost

I am back from my weekend away. The one where I was supposed to come back clear headed and open hearted. What I did was come back confused and closed down. I don’t want to feel. I want the magical money fairy to show up and cover the reality of life while I curl up inside of myself and let the shell build around me, and wait. Wait to see if I hatch into a beautiful butterfly or if I simply rot inside of my self induced prison.

Feelings I was so sure of, I am now not so sure. things I would of sworn to you I wanted I now look at and wonder why I wanted them in the first place. Is it all Love or Lust? What is the damn difference? Can you have both? right now I think I want neither.
I think my ex may be totally correct. Until I honestly deal with the trauma of my childhood sexual abuse then I will never be open to real love.

So for now I am just focusing on work and planning for my babys wedding and her brides maids baby shower. And hopefully once the taxes are done and the car is refinanced then I can push him to make the divorce final. I just want to be free.



  1. September 4, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    it’s a glamorous light. Get over the rusted leaves of the past. Revel in the opulent gold of the future. If you let it happen a soft breeze rustles in the distance as a reminder of the loving days to come, let nature happen and do not let a chance for paradise to pass you by.

  2. phoenixasubbie said,

    September 4, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    You do have to deal with your trauma. Until you do, it poisons you and has power over you. The sealing of the divorce is a freeing, healing thing too…it sure was for me anyway.

    Take care of you, and love you first. Everything else comes from there

  3. airasetsunyo said,

    September 6, 2013 at 12:03 am

    Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
    ~Khalil Gibran~

    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
    ~Khalil Gibran~

    There is life after trauma, but it takes hard work and determination to heal from the damage someone inflicted on us. Its a marriage really … do you work hard to have a good, open and healthy marriage or do you become angry and bitter and avoid conflict? Open the doors that you have closed off those memories and let the light in. i am sure as horrific as it was, it has grown to be monstrous and ugly and massive. Let the light in, so you can see your demons and i will bet that you will like yourself and others much better after a little time and patience. It is never an easy process and one that you will have to attend to your entire life, but have you not already? Be courageous and take your life back.

    yours in life and leather
    slave of DarkHouse

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