Moments

moments

I keep reading this, wondering what tomorrow I am creating, what future am I building?
Half of the time I miss him with a pain so deep I want to pick up the phone and beg him to come get me. To show me in some huge way that he loves me. The other half I want to scream in his face that I am no ones pet. I am a woman who can and will take care of herself.
there are moments when his pride and mine seem to clash like titans on a field of battle.
I am not his sub. But some times I want to be. The battle inside my head and my heart rage.
He tells me nothing is easy, to not settle. But damn it I am tired of fighting. I want easy.
He says I wont fight for us. But I fought for a marriage alone for years. And I don’t have the strength to fight. And what is wrong with that? Is it not ok for a girl to simply stop, take a breath, and know that someone, somewhere, will fall on his knees at her feet for once.
Will show her with actions and not words that she is the center of his existence?
I want a drink. I want a smoke. And some thing to mellow my ass would not be opposed to either at this point.
I am grateful it is Friday. I will get my clients taken care of. I will go home, and melt into the hot tub and drink and talk with the neighbors. I will fade into an emotional coma and be glad that I don’t have to be back at work till 10 tomorrow. And then only to pat a soon to be bride on the head. I want to wash my car. I want to go for a drive. I want to st in the movies and fade from existence for a couple of hours. I don’t want to think or feel or cry one more damn time. It is all to much. I want my divorce done. I hate living in limbo. All because he wants a new truck. I am to damn nice. I need to learn to be more like some amazon bitch I know. Not really, she I bat shit crazy. But I do need to learn that it is ok to hurt someone’s feelings if what they want of you is going to cause you pain.

I need to learn that the words I LOVE YOU, are ok to say. But only if you really mean it. But first I need to learn what love really is. My best friend says that love is only hormones and endorphins. That it does not really exist. I call BULL SHIT. I think love is real. I know LUST is. I have been in lust. I have said I love you, and thought I meant it, when all I really meant was,,, fuck me senceless.

I know love is not sex. But sex can be lovely. Dear Lord, I am lost. I am trying to sort it all out. I am trying to be truthful and honest and not hateful or hurtful.
But most of all I am trying to be ME. To accept who I really am, And to be ok with it.
But until that day, could you please give me a little easy from time to time, because all of the hard is making my heart a tough nut to crack.

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3 Comments

  1. September 6, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    If I could remember a dream you were in. I could never not remember you or what my dreams really meant. To wake up to one with you is like the height of the tension that sets the scene, lights up the sky high like your eyes do and way up I can hear you, the sound of a choir. There are no voices to guide us yet we make harsh decisions based on the thoughts in our head rather than from our heart. But i think really when i get down to it life is about about making choices and feeling and having good vibes in those moments that come to us maybe just once or twice in a lifetime

  2. phoenixasubbie said,

    September 7, 2013 at 2:55 am

    ObeyMe15 is telling you pretty much what my Daddy told me. Eventually I came to believe that I do deserve good things and to be happy. It’s a process.

    I went through 10+ years of misery before my divorce. I get it. I get fighting a loosing battle.

    Your friend is wrong, and frankly jaded. I know love is real. So is lust. What’s great is when you get both 🙂

    Hugs

  3. obeyme15 said,

    September 10, 2013 at 4:51 am

    Fighting feelings you really have and fighting what you really are only make you unhappy. You need to be happy. You deserve to be happy….When you followed your heart and your feelings you were very happy. Be Happy


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