coping

a part of me so desperately wanted to cope with all of my sadness by writing. I wanted to reach deep into the recesses of my soul and write something steamy and sexual and emotional and full of tension. Sadly the more I tried the more I realized I could not. It is simply not there. I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet like a small child.

When I was at the apartment I was over come with anger and frusteration. More water than ever had soaked the place again. And the rain keeps falling. I cursed and kicked the door. My upstairs neighbor leaned over the rail and asked “Vodka or Crown?”

Crown I grumbled, So he poured me a crown and soda. I forgot I had not eaten. It has all just been to much. So I had my drink, poured by my alcoholic neighbor. Then I went to go clean a condo. Needless to say I cried the entire time. I felt like shit. I texted my ex my condolences. I messaged his best friend my sadness over the dog and the postponed wedding. I cried some more. I talked to a friend about how shitty I felt and how stupid to be drinking before noon on a Monday. I got lunch, cried some more and finally felt sober. In those hours I decided that my coping mechanism was going to have to change. No more adult beverages during emotional turmoil. I have messed up more than once in the last few months by drinking to shove my emotions. (JT, I am so sorry)

So now I am headed back to my personal swimming pool to fetch some spare clothes. Thank god for good friends and spare rooms. I may end up jumping my lease and taking refuge on the ranch. I think I need back in the country air. This living above the bar has really messed up part of my sanity anyways.

So for now, my Abby baby and I are going to say our fond farewells to Cali girl. I am going to keep on planning my spare childs baby shower for Sunday, and I am going to breath deep and find some new calm in the storm.

One Day, One Breath, One Moment…..

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5 Comments

  1. September 17, 2013 at 12:04 am

    Just keep breathing hun. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way. xxx

  2. phoenixasubbie said,

    September 17, 2013 at 2:07 am

    Nothing wrong with a good cry. Sometimes you just gotta give yourelf time to heal and work through all the crap before you can come out into the light. One day you will see your way through the clouds and will be amazed by your own strength,

    Hugs

    • loneyheart said,

      September 17, 2013 at 2:26 pm

      every day I surprise myself. I am stronger than I knew and yes still a gentle and fragile woman.

  3. Curious Man said,

    September 17, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    You have come so far. I know you feel overwhelmed and tested. Wonder Why? Sometimes there is no answer. But those of us who know you know you will overcome all this too and be stronger for it.
    Big Hugs.

    • loneyheart said,

      September 17, 2013 at 2:28 pm

      thanks.. it is good to have you as a friend in my life. We know each others secrets. And we know when to help and when to just sit back and say “I am here for you” that kind of friend is rare indeed


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