not who you think i am

how many times did I say it

how many ways did I try to express it

I am deep and dark and complicated

I was ever searching

I did not know who I was or what I wanted

You asked me for things that I happily gave

You asked me for things I did with reservation

You were the first to really listen

But that is who you are, you listen because you need the control

How better to keep a person on the straight and narrow than to hear there heart, and use it

I am not saying its a bad thing, but simply a tool in your tool box, one of many

You have a strength about you, one that my weak heart clung to

You spoke beautiful words to me, you showered me in lovely things, the things of my hearts desire

you tried, not with cruel intent, to mold me into the perfect pet

And I, in my nature, tried to be all that you desired

But time went by, and as I learned to be on my own, I changed

I did not want to be your pet, I did not want to utter those words

You know it is my true nature to never want to hurt anyone

But how could I leave? How could I let you know that my heart had changed?

That I could not be all that you desired, because it was not who I was.

It was not the woman I became.

Yes I lied, Yes I found comfort in his arms, Yes I moved on

But time and time again I tried to tell you.

I  am not the woman you think I am…

I am so much more

And all that I gave away was never really yours

Because the entire time I was with you,,, you were still hers



  1. loneyheart said,

    September 24, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    I am truly sorry. I should not poke the bear. But sometimes you make me so angry. And I am being honest with him. He has seen me married, separated, struggling. He knows about you and everyone from my past. I lay every card on the table. He knows about my childhood trauma and how it fucks with my mental state. And I have chosen to put my own walls down. We started out as friends. He makes me laugh which you know I rarely did. I most likely will fuck it up too. You know that to be a truth about me. I get scared to be to happy.
    I need you to know one simple truth… I never felt like you were really mine. Even after I moved out I had to be careful about when I called you. YOu had to hide me on your phone, hide my photos, because there were days, weeks, months, that she had you. I was always, at least in my head and my heart, the other woman. And in the end, that was our undoing.

  2. cjriordan said,

    September 26, 2013 at 3:49 am

    Reading this, all of it, from the post to the comment threads, is heartbreaking. I feel for both of you.

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