Taking responsibility

I was recently accused of not taking responsibility for my own behavior.

That I blamed my actions on others.

What I have come to see is this.

I am responsible for what I do, for what I have done, for the things I have said, for the pain I have caused

But

Every action I have taken I took because of an emotion

An emotion spurred on by the actions of someone dear to me

My ex husbands blatant action of ignoring me made me feel alone and undesireable

So I went looking for attention

And yes I found it

Most of it very unhealthy

My first affair acted like a child

So I went on a path of discovery

And ended up an on line Mistress/ Dom

I was angry with the actions of every man in my life

So I went on a quest for a girlfriend

My girlfriends crazy lesbian obsessiveness was to much so I went back to the on line life

I was unfulfilled there

So I met a man who became my Master

And I played as his sub for a year

I was not truly happy in that role

So I broke a good mans heart

I am not proud of anything I did in that time frame

There were other lovers

There was behavior befitting a harlot

Not the woman I really want to be

Not a woman of quality

And now all I can do is ask for forgiveness

Because I am human and flawed

More broken than most

Not as fucked up as some

But I alone am responsible for how I behaved

How I treated those around me

I never expected to hold someones heart

Hell, I was not even sure I had one of my own, until recently

I am sorry,

 

Advertisements

3 Comments

  1. September 25, 2013 at 12:56 am

    Time will heal…have faith.

  2. phoenixasubbie said,

    September 25, 2013 at 2:47 am

    We have all said and done things we are not proud of, and self destructed out of pain at times… All you can do is own it like you are….forgive yourself, and do better going forward.

    I wish you happiness and peace.

  3. cjriordan said,

    September 26, 2013 at 3:53 am

    Creation is borne from destruction. Fire burns but also purifies. Your journey may not make complete sense to you, but in the midst of your feelings of devastation, there is life and there is something new waiting to grow out of it. If you do not see it yet, have faith. You will. And in the meantime, keep your chin up, stay humble, and let yourself heal.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: