Stand and fight

more than once i have heard those words… when things get hard you won’t stand and fight.

It ate at me, I wondered what kind of woman i was. But then it hit me.. I did stand and fight. I fought

for 24 years. I fought to keep a marriage alive. I fought for the love i once felt for him more than life it self.

And then I QUIT. 

I had  couple of years were i searched. Looking for something to stand and fight for again. 

I found people who needed me, people who i needed in the moment. But when i looked at life from the view of

FOREVER, well i did not truthfully see them in my life. I was unsure of what i wanted, of who i wanted to ultimately be.

But i know… I know who i am. I know what i want… and i know what is worth standing and fighting for.

I want to build something, this life that i was sure i was getting when i was 19 and newly married. 

A man who loves me and calls me his QUEEN. One who will openly play with me and yet still treat me with love and dignity and integrity. One who can and will put me as close to first in his life as he can.

Yes there are moments when other things will come before me. But even in those, he will says to me.. you should be first.

Not because i have asked it of him, but because that is who he is.

Others may look and him and not see what i do. I see his heart, his soul, his dreams and hopes and desires for tomorrow and beyond. I see a life and a home to build a life time of happiness in. 

And i see that  life is not easy, but it can be easier. 

Call me what you will.. fickle, fast, foolish, unstable, unwise, I don’t care…

For me, when something is real and true it just works. And when i see my tomorrow, or my next month or next year.. I see him. That man who is worth standing, and fighting for.

More importantly I am fighting for me. For my happiness, my destiny.
I don’t want someone who needs second chances. I want someone who makes the most of every moment we have. Who, even in the worst of circumstances puts me ahead of the drama. Who makes sure that I never have to ask for my 5 minutes. But gives me 30 just to be sure I am taken care of and them says to the rest of the world, NOW I have time for you.
Some may call this unrealistic. But I don’t. I will and have given my all from the depths of my heart. I have closed my business, jumped on a plane and flown all night, to prove to someone I loved them. And all I wanted was half of that in return. I needed it, I deserved it.
No this is not meant to poke the bear. This is so that those of you out there who have followed along, may get a clearer picture of life from where I stand. I know I am a needy woman. And at this juncture in my life I will not settle for feeling second to anything or anyone. I will not feel like the mistress or the girlfriend or the ego booster.
I will be his Queen or I will be nothing else. That is who I am.

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4 Comments

  1. cjriordan said,

    September 26, 2013 at 3:59 am

    That is a Royal Proclamation if I’ve ever heard one, Your Majesty. 🙂

  2. jlmartinez815 said,

    September 26, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Very well said! I applaud you. And YES, you deserve it, every women is a princess, but when with her man, she should be the Queen nothing less. You draw beauty in all your lines a heart fierce and yet vulnerable to he who feeds it. May you find that prince charming to become the King of your Heart.

    • loneyheart said,

      September 26, 2013 at 3:24 pm

      thank you so much. My dear Obeyme15 meant well. He and I came together with the truest of intentions. But the realities of life were more than either of us could grasp. I wish him happiness, and to find the love he deserves. And I am taking my own advice and making my own happiness.

      • jlmartinez815 said,

        September 26, 2013 at 3:35 pm

        Awwhh, well I must admit, I am so jealous of you, I know the reality is difficult to grasp, but the truth is I love your blog for the simple fact, that it contains everything I ever wished for. I write to my beloved and I could only wish and dream of the day he reads me, writes me, and corresponds to me. Your blog has romance, love and heart written all over it! I love it! Thanks or sharing. Wow, I hope you find everything you are wishing, hoping and dream of. God bless you.


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