Almost done

This weekend the last of my things ended up in storage. We agreed on the final financial issues and he is contacting the attorney today. Where  I live a non contested divorce can be final in days. So by Friday I will in all likelihood be divorced. 24 years put in a book of its own. I am not starting a new chapter but an entirely new story. Letting go of all of my past. My messed up family, my jacked up child hood, my less than passionate and loving marriage. The only things moving forward are my beautiful daughter and some of the things I have collected over the years.

I know I am doing better because instead of a drink and a cry at the end yesterday I went to the store and got Halloween decorations. I decorated the bar and bowling alley. I laughed with friends and I went home to a man who calls me Queen. The world is indeed a good place.

 

So this is what Happy feels like

We all have those moments, the ones where we realize that life has changed. Something divine has shifted in the world.

This years has been one of supreme change, inspiration and devastation. I walked away from 24 years of marriage. Not all of it bad, but not good enough to stay. I had a passionate relationship that helped me see what I was worth and what I truly wanted in life.

I took a lightning bolt to the heart and brain(no not a real one) and I fell into true love for the first time in what seems like forever. I found a man worth fighting for. He makes me smile, laugh and look in the mirror with confidence every day. He has made me what I needed to be, someones world. Not just  a pretty piece of art to hang on the wall. But the air needed to breath and survive every moment.

It has been an epic journey. I wake up every morning these days and think “someone pinch me” But if this is a dream then let me be, because I am Happy.

I can not wait to see what lies ahead.

Finding someone to wake up next to that makes you happy is so much better than just finding someone to sleep with. I love waking up next to him every morning, and curling up with him every night. No life is not easy. But every step of it is so worth the effort. I love being HAPPY

Desire

kiss hair pull

I know not the scope of your need

But I long to fill the empty spaces of your want

It could be no more than to sit and entwine my fingers in yours

The softest of embraces from a non lover

It may be the longing of nails drawn across your back

To have the marks of carnal lust upon your skin

You may need the radiant bruising of my teeth

Left to make you as my property

It may be the sting of my belt

trails of desire left upon your perfectly curved ass

It may be my hand upon your throat

Holding you still as I use your body for my pleasure

It may be my hand in your hair holding it tightly

As I use your crimson painted lips as the depository for my cum filled cock

But no matter what your need my Queen

I will fill your wants, your desires

And your King will claim his throne

And you will know that his desire is you

Morning awakening

the good girls gift

The tang of sweet saltyness on her lips
Hard heat on her tongue
The gentle breath of excitement warming his flesh
He awoke to find her there beneath the covers
Bare breast pressed against flannel sheets
Her head resting in the crook of his thigh
Nuzzled into the sweet sent of his manhood
Inhaling that aroma that made her damp with need
He was hers to love and worship
She was his to hold in high esteem
This woman who so lovingly caressed his body
She was not common, but a prized gem
A treasure among the weeds
Her devotion to him was deep as the ocean
And in return his love for her was more than a star lit sky
He would lay down his very life for this radiant beauty
And as she took the fullness of him within her crimson lips
He knew he had seen heaven
He was sure he had died and no one had told him so
For she made him weak with anticipation
Breathless in his need
And when she had taken her fill from him
He was left spent and drained
She lay her head once more at the apex of his thigh
Breathed deep and sighed the sound of blessed contentment
This was how she woke her King
As he stoked her hair and called her Queen

My Mid Life Crisis

I am a car girl. I love vintage automobiles and muscle cars. And I caved some months back to my first sports car. It truly is my mid life crisis car. A sporty 2 seat racing car.
In some display of dominance my ex had his name put on my car title and loan. Per the divorce agreement I had to refinance it in my name. I did that just last week.

After it was fully MINE. I decided to let my boyfriend drive the car. A huge step on the trust ladder for me. So on our way home sunday night he asked to take over after dinner because it was clear I was exhausted. I happily handed him the key and slid into the passenger seat. Some miles down the road I noticed he had released his huge member from his pants. I gasp and growled with want. He simply stated I needed to get over there and put it in my mouth. What ensued was the best oral temptation ever. Me being the contortionist to get to him, and me teasing him repeatedly to the edge. I knew that once we got home I would pay for the teasing. But it was blissful fun. I have not done that in over 20 years.

I look forward to another day when I can take that car and go parking and properly break it in. I had better have a towel or two around, I would hate to spoil the lovely interior with delicious juices.

Sleep

Her eyelids heavy with fatigue

She longed for that bliss

To silently slumber until dawns early light

Her mind rambling

Unable to turn down the volume

It spoke in revolving chorus of life’s unending battles

Her thoughts pummeling at her brain

Like prize fighters in a smoky ring

Landing punch after punch to her already battered soul

Living her life in this catch 22

Unable to sleep, per chance to dream

Un dreaming because sleep would not come

How could she escape this turmoil

How could she find her peace

The answer lie in his arms

There in the darkness

Flesh upon flesh

Solitude found her at last

In the stillness she heard his heart beat

In the silence she heard her own

And soon they both melded into one steady rhythm

Black night enveloped her

Sweet silence kissed her brow

And in that moment, she embraced slumber and found peace at last

Love, Domination, and knowing what i need

Self discovery is a great thing. Learning to trust your own self is a hard step.
What I am learning is that there is a great wide world out there full of many people who may or may not fit your needs and wants and desires as a human being.
I need to be loved, desired, wanted, made to feel the center of ones universe. I also love the sexual side of domination and submission. But I do not believe I could live every day of my life as a submissive. I am one defiant and strong willed woman.
It is ok to not always know exactly where you are in life. It makes it a journey, and adventure. But at some point you have to sit down, assess the situation, and make an informed decision.
I have chosen. I can not live my life as a sub. I can not live my life with a dominate male. I admire them. But I am to strong willed and I do not want to be broken. Yes I would love to be cuffed in the bed, have my ass spaked, and my hair pulled. I love being called baby girl, or daddy’s little slut. But out side of that magical place I had better be called princess and queen and love.
I am learning, accepting, growing, embracing, and living. And each person has been in my life to teach me those lessons. Thankfully I am smart enough to take them in and to move ever forward with them.

By the way… a bragging moment

I took up bowling last fall. I love it. There is something about it that I enjoy. And I am learning.

I want to be a force to be reckoned with. And yes the darling man I live with is also one wicked good bowler and a great teacher.

But last night I grew a pair and put myself in the blind bracket competition. I ended up with one of my favorite older gentlemen.

And WE WON. My scores have been coming up. My mental game is much better. Especially on my Wednesday night league.

On Tuesdays I don’t bowl as well. But that night is my fun night and I should care, but I don’t.

One day I will be going to Nationals to compete rather than as the cheering section like I will be in Reno in a few months.

Yes, he is going to compete again this year. And I am simply beaming with pride over my own accomplishments and his.

Just me talking….

Life has been this crazy rollercoaster. I spent so many years married. I had no identity, except His Wife, her mom, and as one bad ass hairdresser. I put my family and my job ahead of myself in every aspect. And what it got me was a marriage that died from lack of growing together. And an even more messed up view of myself, life and what love really was.

In the end of my marriage I had several relationships. Some on line, some in real life. I was searching. I was lost, confused, and honestly still very nieve. I know that in doing what I did, I hurt some people. Some wonderful and true hearted people. But it made me grow.

The hardest was my last on line relationship. It felt like the most powerful of my life. He listened to my every word. He heard me from his heart. At least that is how it felt to me. I, at different times, would of walked away from everything for him if only he had asked.  But as time has past and I have stepped back from the emotional connection and from the extreme sexual power he had over me I have see it with different eyes.  He is a good man. But he is a control freak. His desire to be in my ear on my Bluetooth every day was more than a want to be close to me. But his way of learning all there was about me. With that information he could use it all against me if he chose. He could control me without touch simply with a word, because after all of that time he knew my strengths, weaknesses and my kryptonite.  Which is why he once said that if another man kissed me he would lose me. And he was right.

Several months back a friend asked me to dinner. There had been some flirting, but he knew of my status, and to be honest I was still in the blind control of my then Master. But I went. The talk was easy and I laughed so hard. We were there for hours. Finally we decided to leave. The walk to the car was one that I will never forget. He held my hand because I was in heels and the walk way was steep. We leaned against the car and talked because neither of us wanted to go. And when I turned my head to look at him as we spoke his lips touched mine in the most tender and timid of kisses. His hand on my cheek so gently holding my face. That kiss could of lasted as second or an hour. Who knows. But when it was done I felt the world sway on its axis. I opened my eyes to see him standing there, his eyes still closed, and breathless. When he finally opened them and exhaled he asked me if it was just him or did the world just swivel a little? I laughed and kissed him again like I meant it.

We have been together since. I have met his family, a big thing for me, and they love me. I met his dogs, and they love me. Proven because Miss Sky has bitten every other female that has come to that house, but not me. In fact she sleeps with me. Yes I live there now. Not because we decided, but because my home flooded and he offered me the guest room. The ever gallant gentleman.  We have slipped into this life. It has its rough spots. We have our quirks. We both have issues from past marriages and family shit. But above all else we have agreed to TALK. There is no Master/sub. In fact he calls me HIS QUEEN. Which is something that boggles my mind. Even more is the fact that I am back doing things I had flat refused to do in the last years of my marriage. I get up, make coffee, pack his lunch, pack his clothes for what ever thing he has that afternoon,(his second job or one of our 3 nights of bowling). Hell I am happily doing laundry and cleaning house.

I am rewarded with appreciation, and kisses, and the most amazing physical contact of my life. We are still sorting out each others desires and boundaries. But it feels like we are building something, together.  I don’t know where it is going. But I am enjoying the journey. Our friends see the difference in us. We both are supremely happy. You can see the change in us.  He randomly asks me to be his wife, I laugh and remind him that I am still technically married. To which he responds, Ok not today, but soon. I laugh and tell him I will only get married again on Halloween or New Years. And he tells me I need to live with him thru all 4 seasons before I decide to say YES.  There is nothing rushed or pushed about it. It is simply two people talking out loud to see if the other one flinches. And so far there is no flinching. 

Time will tell. Life is meant to just happen. It is not something you can plan. It is something that you live one breath at a time until your last one comes. And you hope that when it does you were blessed with a life that was well lived. I am learning.

Decision time (pt 6)

Now they had two homes. Each with remenants of past lives. Both were beautiful in their own right. Each they had somehow made their own marks on. But truth be told, neither really felt at home there.

Hers held to many memories of a life that should of been. A house turned into a home. Not by the husband she had begun life with. But with a kind and loving man who built it for her from her dreams.

His was a house that had once been a home. Filled with the laughter of children. That place that held dreams now dead.  He looked at it and wondered if it would ever be filled with laughter again.

They began splitting their time between the two. Making each as much of a home as they could. They had family and friends to both. They were waiting for that sign. The one that would help them see which would be their landing spot or if neither would finally win their hearts.

One day after they had been at his place for the last 6 weeks, laying new floors and remodeling the kitchen she held a secret. Her fear over telling him began to weigh heavy In her mind. This was not in their plans. Well she was not so sure they even had plans. But he just might walk on this one.

That night she cooked him one of her meals. It was not fancy, but it spoke to him of home and of family dinners around a table. Desert was a chocolate cake like no other. It was good enough to calm even his sweet tooth.

Holding him by the hands she sunk to her knees at his feet. She looked at him with such submission I her eyes and with such love In her heart. The shear weight of the words that were about to come out of her mouth were more powerful than either knew.

I am pregnant. That was all she uttered. Stunned silence swallowed the air in the room. Her eyes instantly down cast and her hands began to tremble. How far along, was the question he uttered. Just over a month, she choked thru a fine veil of tears.

He stood, gently pulling her to her feet. His strong arms lifting her from the ground as is she were a mere leaf on the wind. He carried her to his bed, placed her there and lay beside her.

His lips brushing her forhead. His eyes glistening as he looked deep into hers. Two hearts pounding so loudly each thought the other would soon wonder if they were ok. Live with me here, he asked with such gentle timidness.  Her thoughts swirled. Her home was larger, grander. But it was not this place where her child came to be. She knew how he longed to have a family here. And the love in this  mans eyes was all she needed to live. YES, were the words she uttered forth in one tiny breath.

She was home. They were home. And in a few short months, a child would be here in their home. Life as truly a gift. And love its greatest blessing.

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