Stupid

I did it this time. opened my mouth without my brain engaged and stepped in it.

Our entire Tuesday night bowling league is getting together to buy my guy a new ball as a thank you. So we are collecting money. Trying to catch people on the sly when he is not looking. Last night he caught me talking to the one guy who asked me out. Granted he was sitting there with his current girlfriend. But that did not stop the jealousy beast from raising his head. I tried to blow it off but that only made it worse. Eventually he seemed to accept that it was a Christmas thing and he let it go. Sorta.

After we got home we were snuggled in bed and things were getting racy. For some dumb ass reason I said to him, Please know I want no one but you. Well that put the breaks on and fast. We went to sleep on our own sides of the bed.

This morning things feel off kilter. I am so afraid of losing him. I know he has some deep seated trust issues. And I do not know why I chose to say that when I did, but I knew he was jealous for no reason. I wanted to reassure him.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Our first holiday together with the family. And I want it perfect. I will be going home in a few hours to do some serious baking.
He told his grandma that I have some serious kitchen skills and he wanted to show off. Right now I wonder if he still feels like I am worth showing off or if I need put in the closet until I can learn to behave.
My stomach has never been this stressed, even in the midst of the divorce procedings. And yes that is filed and waiting for the judge to sign off on. At least I can be thankful for that.

just an update

yesterday I went to the attorneys and signed the papers. All that is left is to wait for him to sign them and for them to be filed thru the court. If he does not drag his feet we could be done by Thanksgiving. All I want now is my freedom and it is so close.

 

And in the realm of my heart… I am divinely happy. I am enough. This life is enough. His kiss is enough, his touch enough.

I do not need to be a woman wrapped in fur or fine clothes. Because I am a woman wrapped in his arms.  A woman who is shown ever day that she is loved and needed and Wanted. And I am sure I have never been happier. It is a simple peace. Not life fueled by wild lust, but trust me it is there. It is a life that has home and family and friends in it. It is one that, when he looks at me, I feel the depth of his love. I see it in his eyes and in the spark of his touch. And in my deep desire to one day wear his name.

And the tears fell

It has been a long week. I am fighting a sinus infection, and a wicked cold. And yes I seem to have shared it with my darling.

Last night he got home after a long day at work and some how we got sideways with each other. A conversation about some chicken mole that turned into ” I am going to make it and you don’t have to eat it, and if you are mad, well tough”

It was silly and foolish, and just two people who are sick and slightly grumpy. We stopped and made our apologies and I though we were about to just let it go and eat dinner. When he dropped to one knee, put his head on my chest, looked up at me and said, “this is how every king should look at his queen, please forgive me for being an ass”. At that moment I lost it. I cried like my eyes would never stop. But eventually they did, and I had to explain this to him.

Every girls fantasy is that one knee proposal. I did not get it when I married at 19. What I got was a guy sitting next to me on the coach who asked and then said, thanks, I was just practicing.

What he did last night was more romantic than a one knee proposal. It was this loving man putting aside his pride to show me the depth of his love. He would not let the moment pass without some resolution of our Moment. We sat and talked. It is the rare and special thing that lets me know that we will be ok. Because more than anything we know we must communicate.

I am blessed and grateful every day. I am living my happiness.

Even the ex and I are finally able to be open with each other about the new people in our lives. We are moving forward in peace and that in itself is something to be Thankful for. I am truly a blessed woman.

Tempted???

All of my life I wanted to travel, see the world. And when I filed for my divorce I told my ex I was applying for cruise line jobs. Yes I have a skill set that would make me great money there. And I did apply. Months ago, and heard nothing.

yesterday one of my clients brings me a passport wallet. And today in my email is an interview date for one of the premier world cruise lines. So elite that they pay for your training in London. Yes LONDON ENGLAND. Then they put you on a ship for a 9 month stint at sea.

I watched the video, I read the files and I thought.. could I do it? Yes I could and I would be amazing at it. My ex would be so excited to see me leave the country. Making his life easier because we live in such a small town.  But there is my darling boyfriend. This man who makes me laugh every day. Could I walk away from this life we are building? He just turned in his notice to quit his second job so he could be with me more.

The thought was tempting for a moment. The money from even one tour would buy the business we want. I could come home and he and I could start that life. But is it worth it? We are talking about a solid year, 12 months apart. My greedy pocket book says yes. My greedy heart says NO.

All I do know is that he and I will he having a deep and honest conversation tonight, Because I have to decide and quick. The dead line is Dec. 5th. And I have to be in Las Vegas for the interview. That is if my tattoo’s get past the powers that be. Professionalism is a huge thing. And yes mine are all coverable. But I am about to re do one. The anniversary tattoo has to go.

 

one day one breath one moment one step at a time

Stubborn Woman

Yes that is me. Full on stubborn, bull headed, defiant and unmoving… well sometimes.

I have had this wicked sinus crap going on. And it is trying to settle in my chest. And as every woman over 40 knows, there comes a time when no matter how many kegel exercises you do, if you cough or sneeze, you leak. Gross I know, but a reality.

So yesterday I ended up in the pharmacy next door. I left with nose spray, cough medicine and depends pads for women. I refused to go home. Buy 5:30 my darling boyfriend was off work and we opted to stay in town because bowling started at 7:00. He had not seen me and only spoken to me via text. The moment he saw me and heard me he demanded I either go home to bed or to the er. I snarled and told him I would do neither. Home and bed would only increase the chances of it settling in my chest. And I did not need the er. I needed time for the medicine to work.

So we bowled. And I kicked his butt. Some how my in ability to breath required me to slow the Fuck down and therefore improve my aiming skills. Something he has been telling me for months. OOPS. I guess I should listen to the coach.

The other Ha Ha moment of the night was that we had to bowl with Sam. The cutest and sweetest girl. And the girl I had just found out the day before that he had kissed in a moment of celebration upon bowling a 299 game. I have to be honest, I was a  bit green with envy. But some how last night I stopped and had this moment of clarity. It was a kiss, like a smack on the ass during a football game. A big High 5. And it went no where. And like that I just let it go.

That darling man asks me to marry him on an almost daily basis. And last night he did it again. I looked at him and smiled, gave him a soft kiss and laughed and showed him the bowling themed wedding cake I found on pintrest, ( yes I am ashamed, I was on pintrest) He wanted to know if they had a proper cake topper. Of course he loved the one I found of a bowling couple. When a friend saw the pics and asked if we were really thinking about that, I froze. I answered yes. But in that moment I thought. HOLLY SHIT, what if he changes his mind. We ended up having a conversation about babies. And decided that the desire to have a child of OUR own was normal. But that our future was meant to be lived spoiling each other and the special Olympic kids that he coaches. You see, I have been blessed. The last 2 years I have been searching. I did not know who I was or what I wanted, except to be loved unconditionally. I went thru lovers who tried to mold me into what they wanted, because if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything. I have been a Dom, a Sub, a lesbian, and simply broken.

But somewhere in it all I was learning. Finding out what I did not want. Finding out who I did not want to be. Every day with him I learn more. I see my life in the years ahead. Things right now are hard. Business is very slow and it has me running scared. But I have a plan. And it will work… why because I am a Stubborn Woman. Once I figure it out, there is no stopping me. I am a force of nature, a demon to be reckoned with. I see happiness and peace and contentment. Not settling, but growing and shining in the darkness. And I will make it all come to pass.

Somehow, you gotta love that.

Ugh

I have spent the last few days absolutely ill. Body pain and serious congestion. It is nothing serious but it is annoying and frusterating.

Clients are early and late. They have little to no reguard for anyone but themselves.

I love what I do. But each day I wonder more and more if it is what I am meant to do for the rest of my days.

I wish I knew

Feeling is hard

Living shut down is easy. You just put one foot in front of the other. But it is not living it is existing.

I am struggling with this Feeling Life. It is what I have asked for. It is what I know is healthy and necessary. But damn it hurts.

Especially when you are forced to watch someone you love go thru the pain of feeling. You see confidence waver. You see strength crumble before you very eyes. And it makes you feel even more, which hurts.

I am so torn at the moment. I am a toucher, a feeler, a hugger, a holder. When I see a person in pain, I want to hold them, to stroke away the emotional pain. And yesterday I was gently let known that sometimes I am just to much. Now I am sitting on the edge wondering how far I can let my own self go or if I need to practice some restraint. I see him struggling, I see him in pain. But it is not about me, it is how do I help him heal with love?

It is one day, one moment, one breath at a time.

The moments that break your heart, and how love mends it all

Yesterday should of been her birthday. That sweet beautiful baby girl that was his little sister. He was only a tiny boy himself, no more than 5. But when she came into this world he was the proudest big brother of them all. 13 short months later she was gone. How does a little boy grasp it? Like all little ones he was resilient and moved on, grew up.

Life threw him some serious curve balls. Parents who tried but didn’t make it. A mom, who despite all of the love in her heart could not battle the demons in her head and ended her life when he was just 21. How does a young man bury his own mother?

Thru it all he struggled. Made some life choices that nearly took him out. Made some decisions that proved he was indeed a deep and loving man. Raised a family that was not his own as if they were. Took on two little boys when most men are still boys themselves and became their dad. School and sports and fishing and lessons in life. Until the day that their mom decided to move on, breaking his gentle heart.

God did not bless him with children of his own. And on days like yesterday, when he saw the sadness in his dads eyes. When he spoke of the life she might of had. Of the grandchildren that never will be. It breaks your heart. To hear this wonderful man talk about himself as LESS THAN. To hear him say that God took the wrong one. To see him broken and beaten because he thinks he let the family down. When I know different. When I sat with his grandma and looked at family pictures and saw the pride in her eyes, heard the love in her voice.

I sat with him and let him talk it out. I cried because I can not change what is, what was. I felt the weight he carries every day. And when he dared to tell me that I deserved more of a man than him I sat in stunned silence, and cried some more. And in the end I looked him in the eyes and told him this…

I grew up used and abused. Treated like an object instead of a cherished child. And I learned to not trust. I married to escape that life, and ended up in a cold marriage for almost 25 years. And I kept my heart locked away. But then one day I meet him. We both were shut down, closed off. And for a moment in time we dared to let each other in. For some reason I knew that with him I was safe. I was loved and cherished and would be protected. Those are the traits of a true man. There is no BETTER man for me. He is exactly who I needed. Exactly how I needed him. He is honest and real and fragile and strong and open. He talks to me during the hard moments and knows that he has all of my heart. We take the broken pieces and glue them back together. Is it perfect? NO. But it is good enough for us. Because love fills in the cracks. Life takes on character. And in the end I will have lived the best parts of my life with the best man of my life. One who calls me pumpkin, and his queen. The one who’s eyes sparkle when he looks at me. And if he keeps talking shit about my man like that I will kick his ass with a very high pointed heel.

Somewhere in the darkness, lit only by the light of the fireplace, he kissed me. One of those deep, sweet, long and tender kisses. One that speaks volumes. One that never needs words. We went to bed and held each other thru the night. And when the daylight broke thru the morning fog we both knew that today was a new day. And that no matter what, we had each others backs and that life can throw at us what ever it wants. We will be OK.

 

promise of potential

a reminder to stop, find yourself in the noise and be true to yourself first. the rest will fall in line

rouge

We forget we have a voice
When we give up the lives we knew
Taken over by spouses, work, children
Obligations, responsibilities, commitment
We drone on towards the end of the day
Working just to get a paycheck
Forgetting that we can do what we love
Monetary value of assigned positions
Why is there disparity when all jobs should be valued?
Nothing should be considered beneath us
We are queued and lined up
We clock in and check out
We are consumers and takers
And forget about living authentic lives
Giving back and doing what we love
Cell phones have to be paid
Property taxes and hydro bills are due
So we make choices and limit ourselves
Create a complicated financial web
Delicately balanced debt ratios
And income potential
So we can buy back to school backpacks
Ear buds and hightops
Parental sacrifice for the potential
That our children will…

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all women deserve to be hysterical

There are days when the postings here make the entire world a better place. This is definitely one of those.

rouge

I do believe this is the movie you are referring to about in my last post, Mike Major? One of the most interesting movies about saving poor Doctors from Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.

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