Stupid

I did it this time. opened my mouth without my brain engaged and stepped in it.

Our entire Tuesday night bowling league is getting together to buy my guy a new ball as a thank you. So we are collecting money. Trying to catch people on the sly when he is not looking. Last night he caught me talking to the one guy who asked me out. Granted he was sitting there with his current girlfriend. But that did not stop the jealousy beast from raising his head. I tried to blow it off but that only made it worse. Eventually he seemed to accept that it was a Christmas thing and he let it go. Sorta.

After we got home we were snuggled in bed and things were getting racy. For some dumb ass reason I said to him, Please know I want no one but you. Well that put the breaks on and fast. We went to sleep on our own sides of the bed.

This morning things feel off kilter. I am so afraid of losing him. I know he has some deep seated trust issues. And I do not know why I chose to say that when I did, but I knew he was jealous for no reason. I wanted to reassure him.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Our first holiday together with the family. And I want it perfect. I will be going home in a few hours to do some serious baking.
He told his grandma that I have some serious kitchen skills and he wanted to show off. Right now I wonder if he still feels like I am worth showing off or if I need put in the closet until I can learn to behave.
My stomach has never been this stressed, even in the midst of the divorce procedings. And yes that is filed and waiting for the judge to sign off on. At least I can be thankful for that.

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