Starting over, or Erasing the EX

Last night I got a new tattoo. An Alice in Wonderland themed piece to cover up an existing piece dedicated to my ex. 5 hours in the chair of pain to erase 24 years was worth it. Yes it will always be there buried beneath the surface. But it is no longer visible.

More importantly I don’t feel like it is invading my life. Photos of me and my King will no longer be marred by that previous ink. I feel like with the coming year I will have a fresh life, a new start.

And I may even be changing jobs. The physical damage I have done over the last 23 years  is causing me immense pain. I have damaged my shoulders. There is more testing in my future. There may be surgery, but only if I can not avoid it. I am refusing to get caught up in the WHAT COULD BE and I am choosing to focus on the WHAT IS, the here and now. Because it is good. I am happier than I knew I could be. My daughter adores my King. She says she has never seen me so happy. He is wonderful with my grandchildren. I can say without a doubt in my heart that I LOVE this man. I want many years with this man. The rest of my life in fact. I will be by his side, not behind him or beneath his feet, but hand in hand thru the challenges of life. I am truly divinely blessed.

spoiled

i never knew that family could feel like this.   open armed and embracing hearts. Christmas was never big to me. it was a holiday to spoil others. and yes the gifts this year were amazing. but it was the love in his eyes. cooking with grandma making dad cry and ma speachless that made this year perfect. i am madly in love. not just with him but with his family. my family. our family.

Frusteration and Fear

I am an over achiever in life. And with the holidays here I am in overdrive. He keeps telling me to slow down and I try I really do. But part of it is the fear. This is who I am and when it is meet with appreciation it blossoms. My ex took it for granted, so one day I quit. And he stopped loving me for me. It was all about my doing. Now I am afraid of it happening again.

So today when a friend asked me to dinner and then for a girl spa evening I said yes. Because he said slow down. And what I wanted to do was go home and clean and cook and pack for Christmas. I recolored my hair and it got to dark. even for me. Now he is upset and I am upset and afraid of it all falling apart.

This is what happens when I un lock my heart. Lord I am about to just cry for days and surrender.

Living each breath

Life has taken on a hectic pace. But I am happily at peace. The divorce is done, the new tattoo cover art ready for me, work is busy and my heart is full. His family is wonderful. They have embraced me with open arms and open hearts. I want to make him proud. I took his grandparents to dinner and it was nice. It felt like something we have done for forever. I am looking forward to Christmas. We will be spending Christmas eve at grandmas. And I have been granted permission to cook Christmas breakfast. I want to impress.

We have had our moments. I am a freight train sometimes. And change has happened in spades for us both. New life, new jobs, all with this new love. I need him,, I feel empty without him. And that is scary. But I am happy. And that is scary too.

FREE

I got the call… As of Tuesday December the 3rd I was officially DIVORCED.

I have to be honest, it was the happiest moment of my life.

I finally  took a breath.

And I did something else… I went to the store where his current girlfriend works.

I needed to put my own eyes on her. To stop listening to everyone else tell me how un attractive she was.

They are all being kind.  She is a pretty girl. I hade been a bit bitter over the fact that she is 10 yrs younger than me.

And I am 7 yrs younger than him. My ego took a hit. But when I saw her I let it all go. If he is happy then that is good.

I am happy. I was blessed with a wonderful man in my life. I have been given the family I always wanted. My kids like him.

In fact they chose to stay with us instead of her father during Thanksgiving. My life is good. And now I am fully free to move on.

One Day, One Breath, One Moment at a time