anger..

The selfishness of that man knows no bounds.

Today I am writing him a check to pay my half of the attorney fees for our divorce. Even though we had an agreement. I would not take his savings account. It would be used to pay for the divorce and our daughters wedding. I never imagined I needed to demand a total of what was there and where it all went. He has no honor, no self respect. He cheated me out of a nice sum of money that would of allowed me to pay off all of my bills and begin life with a clean slate. And now he wants more. He threw a fit over a so called LOAN in which he paid off some of my previous medical bills. But what HUSBAND loans his WIFE money to pay doctor bills? Everything with him has a dollar amount. And in his ledger I was obviously a negative balance.

 

I had self worth issues because of my sexual abuse as a child. And his treatment of me did not help. It is sad how little I understood that until after I had left. Until someone else began to treat me with value and dignity. And how I am treated had nothing to do with money at all. It is love and respect and trust. I could live with my King till the end of my days with nothing and be divinely happy, simply because I know in his eyes I am worth more than gold and diamonds.

Every day I am grateful that I found some strength somewhere to finally walk away. That I knew somehow I was more that MOM THE CHECKBOOK. How I hated that nickname. Now I am called Pumpkin and My Queen and it is good.

My only fear is messing this one up. That my old issues will show up at the wrong time. But we live each day as we began, with all cards on the table. Full truth, even when it is uncomfortable. And it is how we will survive.

 

Yesterday on my drive home I began to imagine a day when my King would ask me to be his bride. Tears filled my eyes as I knew that first I would have to talk to dad and his grandparents. Silly I know. But I can not say yes to him without first knowing that I have their blessing. They mean everything to him. And they mean more and more to me every day. They have welcomed me with open arms. And I want to show them that I can be a woman of honor and value, and worth my Kings love and devotion. That I do not take the title of His Queen lightly. But for now it is simply, ONE DAY, ONE BREATH, ONE MOMENT AT A TIME. And it is all I need.

I choose to let go and let God. Because only he is in control.

 

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3 Comments

  1. dandilyonz4u said,

    January 10, 2014 at 12:20 am

    Though I’ve never been married, you have described a milder version of my sisters soon to be ex-husband and though she is not yet at the level of finding that someone who will treat her differently, i know she contemplates the fear of never finding him and messing up if she does. But like i say to her, his behavior is not a reflection of yourself and though things may seem insurmountable, you do have the strength to rebuild your life. And don’t hold back from “your king” because of fear of failing again. remember always”give unto Caesar what is due unto him”

  2. January 10, 2014 at 1:44 am

    all you do is whine stop it grow some balls

    • loneyheart said,

      January 10, 2014 at 3:14 pm

      please refrain from your rude and hateful comments. I am here to express my emotions. Some times I whine. I am allowed. I am a full grown woman with hurt feelings. Besides if I had not already grown some balls I would still be married to the ex husband. So I will continue to express all of my feelings here. And if you don’t like it then DONT READ IT.


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