ugh

today is just me trying to sort out the chatter in my head. Trying to separate this insane physical craving and the realities of life. Knowing that sex is not love, but the lack of it makes me nuts. It starts this spiral of madness. The one where my self doubt and self worth start saying stupid stuff. They should not be connected. I am more than a sexual creature. I am more than my last orgasm. And yes he loves me. Some days life is not about the physical intimacies but about the emotional intimacy. But I will always worry that I am not enough, sexy enough, smart enough, giving enough, needy enough… just enough.

And I need to take responsibility for my own damn orgasms. I hate playing alone. It somehow feels empty. But my body craves the highs and lows of that ride. And if life is playing with me and I don’t get to play with my partner then I need to handle the situation. Because living horny only makes my head spin into mad directions. And yes that includes fingering myself after sex with him if I still need more. Doing it does not make me bad, or dirty or nor does it mean that he is not enough. It simply means that he is done and I am not and that’s ok.

To be honest I wish I had more of that touching thing with him. To hear the story of him and his ex in the casino with him playing under her skirt has left me a bit envious from time to time. We have not really had the time for those adventures in our life up to this point. But I hope one day. And that at some point he gets comfortable enough with me to really let go and to explore some more. I love being touched, fingered, fondled. Ugh…. my head is a mess today. Part of me is madly in love and part of me is feeling the growing pains of a relationship. Of two people still getting to know each other. All while trying to live the highs and lows of a quickly changing life. Its hard. But he is worth it. Just curled up next to him on the couch makes me happy in ways I have no words to express. So today I am feeling stress and want and need and deep wonderful love. And all in all, everything will be ok. And I AM ENOUGH.

Advertisements

6 Comments

  1. rougedmount said,

    January 23, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    i smiled when i read the headline title..it was the exact word i texted my best friend this morning…for pretty much the exact same reason of sexual frustration and trying to come to terms with it. thinking its insane for me to say out loud…who the hell has to come to terms with a normal sex drive..normal normal normal.. and yet its not taken advantage of..my willing eager body is left to become over ripe and rot in the field all the while being watched by a farmer who refuses to pick it, even after my throwing myself at him 10 000 times.
    i give you hugs and a bag of potato’s to biff someone against the back of the head with..

    • loneyheart said,

      January 27, 2014 at 7:04 pm

      life is just full of growing pains. And he and I are getting better every day. I just have an appetite that requires continual feeding.

  2. mckismeisreallyme said,

    January 23, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    I know exactly what you mean. from “ugh” to am I enough to the need and the ache to have that touch. You are enough and you are not alone. {hugs}

    • loneyheart said,

      January 27, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      thank you. Most of it is a mental excersize for me.Getting past old issues.

  3. January 23, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    Thumbs up for the conclusion…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: