I think…

There bodies were wound together like silken cord. Breath and flesh and sweat shared. His hand firmly in her hair, his eyes and his mouth saying ” look at me”. She was entranced by his every move. His lips uttered those words and she begged him not to say them. She had heard them far to often and they had been empty. Collapsed into each other, their bodies spent she snuggled into his neck. Tears escaped her closed eyes as he held her close. And in the softest of a whisper her heard her say, “I think, I think I could love you”.

He never asked for more. He simply held her close and kissed away her tears. Her fragile heart was to afraid to love. It held no trust inside because it had been broken to often and for far to long. Time ebbed by and love grew. They learned to say those words and to mean them from the very center of ones soul. Others asked if they were married yet, and they would respond ” been there, done that, not sure I want to again”. But some where inside a small voice cried out and said, ” I think” and in the end it was right.

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learning

I will never fully understand a woman’s mind….

Of course not. Because a woman’s mind is the play ground in which you explore and learn but are never meant to fully grasp.

 

It is funny how we are such complex creatures. We want to know it all. But in life it is the not knowing that makes it all so enjoyable. It is the learning and trying to discover. The adventure of it all. We can not simply fall back on the knowledge we have. Because everyone is different. Age teaches us new tricks. And makes us adjust our skill set. What worked at 20 may not now. What we thought was sexy at 30 is no longer what we desire. We are not meant to know all there is about the opposite sex because we are meant to spend a life time learning our individual partners. How they are wired. What makes them tick. I for one love the learning. I think it may be lesson time.

Show Me

My life is a series of songs. Lyrics that have molded who I am. This one screams… People say, but rarely do. And for a girl who loves words, I have decided that action is most valuable after all.

the finish line, and fashion

Imagewhen I was a young girl my entire goal was to be married and raise a family. I had no educational goals. I just wanted to be a good wife and mother. Then I turned 19 got married and realized that I needed to have a career. My spouse was not going to be the kind of man who took care of things.

After I grew up and began watching my daughter grow I tried to encourage her to be financially independent and to find a match in a partner who was her equal. Not just financially but in their life goals. Life works when you have someone who works with you not against you.

So many young women have no dreams or aspirations. They are like I was and saw marriage as a finish line. But even if being a stay at home mom is your dream ( and trust me it is the hardest job on the planet) it is not the finish line. Life takes work. Love takes work. Just because you got the guy to Put a ring on it. Does not mean you get to quit. I see so many people who just stop. They used to dress better, do their hair, put on some makeup, wear clean clothes. But they snagged a partner and now they live in jeans and t shirts. What the hell is sexy about that?

I get dressed every day, and yes I wear jeans. but not always. And it seems that my chosen attire causes drama. Men appreciate the effort, women get bent because their man compliments me. And I want to look at them and say “Hey, you don’t have to look like a HOUSEWIFE”. Women in general are already beautiful creatures. It takes so little to enhance your god given attributes. For heavens sake, how hard is it to put on a skirt from time to time. Yesterday I wore a black dress with a full skirt and some black boots. Nothing fancy, just classic. And you would of thought no one ever saw a girl in a dress. I got hugs and whistles and compliments galore. And bitchy glares from wives. It took less time to put that on than a pair of old sweat pants and ratty t shirt.

I just get frusterated with people. Marriage is not a finish line, put the start to a marathon race. It is long and slow and if approached correctly can be tons of fun and filled with happiness. Especially if it is done in pretty shoes and some lipstick.

Let it go

I finally feel free. The days finally here when I have let it go. The life ahead of me is full of such promise. and I want it

What real love feels like

Image

 I am in this place in life. The one where I am finding it is ok to FEEL. I have always had to guard my emotions. Mostly out of fear that how I felt would upset someone. And god forbid if someone else’s feelings got hurt. It was always ok if mine got trampled.

Now I feel everything. And sometimes the feelings are a bit much. It is why I write. To take those feelings and sort them out, help them make sense in my head and heart.

The greatest thing is grasping what real love feels like. It is full of joy and fear. It is the greatest and scariest thing ever. This is not the love of a mother for her child, which I can say, is totally different. This one is the love that two humans share when they choose to no longer be solitude in life. My phone chirps and I leap to see if it is him. When it is I smile so big my face hurts. His words make me happy, and laugh or cry or sigh. I realize that even though I saw him only a few short hours ago I miss his presence. I think of our last moment and how my head fits perfectly in his shoulder. How his arms wrap around me and how his chin rests on my head. Of the beat of his heart and of the steady rhythm of his breathing. There is such comfort in it. I can see the love in his eyes, and the worry. I hate the worry. But it is all part of this full honesty pact we made. He still has these moments of doubt that rip out my soul. I know that I have shown that I am not easy to trust. But to be fair, I know I have never felt this depth of connection and love to another soul.

Yes I had those in my life for a time that I had a bond to. But it only went so far. Mostly it was a sexual connection. But in the wake of being separated from them I did not feel lonely. I felt empty. I was still searching for that which would bind up the broken parts and hold them so as to reassemble the damaged me into a new and alive me. In him I feel alive, repaired, loved and no longer empty. In him I feel the love. It is not wild and rose filled every day. It is the little things. Coffee together, cuddling on the couch, his ever present touch as I sleep. How he cheers me on when we go bowling. How he consoles me when I start to beat myself up. And how he reminds me that we never quit. How he will look at me as he holds my hand and asks me if WE are ok. How he calls me pumpkin, and his queen all in the same breath.

I know I messed up in the past. I know I made choices I wish I could change. But I also know without a doubt that I want every moment of the rest of my life to be bound to this man. To survive the challenges and come out stronger. Because in him I have felt what real love feels like.

enough?

The heat of the sun on my skin

The soft chip of a bird on the breeze

My eyes are close but fully see

Painted in my memory a moment in time

when his kiss melted my soul

when the depth and passion of it overtook us both

how in the end of that kiss he held me tight and sighed

Pulling me into his chest and filling me

The expanse of his heart overtaking me

His love swallowing me whole

I should need no more

I should be content in this love

But I am like a spoiled child

Needing more, wanting more

In my need will I push him away

will I shove him from me in my attempt to pull him ever closer

Am I simply to much,

or am I simply not enough

 

She is never enough

she is a woman of passion

she has words that sometimes flow with such desire and intent

she has learned how to find her own confidence

and in that, how to lure a man into her grasp

but yet

she is unsure

for time has shown her one thing

she is lacking

for she has not the ability to keep them

that which she desires so deeply seems to not desire her

there is no doubt of his love

it is so clear in his eyes in his face

he does not touch her flesh

but his touch seers her soul

his fingers do not trace her skin

but they have a firm grasp on her heart

there are these moments when she feels no more than an outlet

a vessel for his need

And yet

there are times when she is wrapped in his arms she can feel more

What is she missing

what does she lack

all she wants is to know

because she has lost her heart to him

and she needs to know if her heart can survive

or if she needs to lock it away to save it from breaking beyond repair

 

 

 

 

learning is never easy

tea and cookies

some days are reality checks. Facing the reality that years of being with one person makes moving on hard. You are with them for so long that intimacy becomes involentary. They know how to touch you to flip all of the switches. There is no though, just natural reaction to years of training.

And then you move on.

And it all gets difficult. You meet someone who is the perfect match of your heart but the mechanics seem off. You try so hard to be all that they want and what happens is the switches get stuck in the off position. Or flat go into hiding. And then frusteration sets in. For EVERYONE. I cant seem to stop focusing on making him happy to just relax and enjoy myself. He is trying so hard to get me there and eventually feels like he is a failure.

In my previous life there were two sayings I wish I still had

1. women are like tea pots. they take a long time to get hot but when they do they stay that way

2. sex is like a Chinese dinner. its not over until everyone gets a cookie

 

So I am here, all grown and still learning about sex. Still adjusting to my body.Trying to find ways to express my wants and needs and desires without denting egos and feelings. One day, one breath, one moment at a time. Until everyone gets to have tea and cookies.

 

Aging Boob Biffs and Titty Taps: A Code of Conduct to the Cleavage Dreamers in My Dental Chair

And as a over 40 female in the hair dressing industry please know that I feel the same way. Only you will get smacked in the shampoo bowl and probably in the face if I happen to not be concentrating on my boobs but on giving you a very good shampoo.

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