Working thru MY Issues

How do you have a mental reset? Sexually I have been thru the mill. Abused as a child, by my father and step father. Issues with other forms of sexual abuse. Getting married at 19 to a man who eventually shut me out and cut me off. Diving into on line sex. Domination and submission. Having lovers. It all disconnected me from my body. I have lived in my head. I am a deeply emotional woman who cut herself off from emotion to survive. Now I am with a wonderful loving man and I am finding the intimacy hard. He tries to give me what I need, what he thinks I need, what I have led him to believe I want. What I am finding is that while I love the play, it does not cause me to have that final  Yee Haw moment.

For that to happen for me it takes some of that old fashioned, traditional stuff. I love to kiss, long soft slow ones mixed with some hand full of hair, you are mine, kisses. Lots of touching. That silly saying that women are like tea kettle, takes long time to heat up… Yep that’s me. I can turn into Niagra Falls in a heart beat, but to get past that is harder. My brain won’t shut up. I am always thinking, worrying. My stomach is not flat, in fact it is squishy. My hips are wider, my breast not perfectly perky. How can he think I am sexy? How could he really want me? Or is it simply because I am a wet vagina? Then I have to try harder to please him because I am sure I am not enough or that he could not really find me sexually desireable. And then I get the stupid crap running thru my head that I cant relax and enjoy it because that just makes me a dirty ???????

How do you turn off your head after all of these years of stuff? If I cant find a way I could ruin something so lovely.

For gods sake, this man actually held my hand and (had rain in his glasses) during the half time show. Damn Bruno Mars and his silly romantic song.

Life would be great i you had a reset button after a relationship ended. So you could start fresh with no old baggage.  even better if i could let go of my perfectionist issues.

Romance… i want to add it to the list of 4 letter words… mostly because it takes effort and i think that is part of what is missing for me. I did not ever have it. And i want it. I want the card for no reason, the silly side of the road flowers, a foot rub just because, Love notes left in my purse. That text message in the middle of the day that says, I was thinking of you. That little stuff. Part of it happens now. He is sweeter and more thoughtful than anyone has ever been to me. He tells me  i am beautiful, that i am perfect. I will probably always think he is crazy. But he tries to get past the mess in my head. I just need to find a way to let go, mentally and physically. Because i have something worth fighting for.

 

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1 Comment

  1. dandilyonz4u said,

    February 3, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    Don’t we all wish for that reset button, but like you said, you have something to fight for and so i would encourage you to fight. Your guy seems really nice too so i suppose that communicating your fears to him can be an option to consider, reassurance is one of those gifts in life that takes us from one level to another so allow him reassure you until you can believe in yourself.


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