What real love feels like

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 I am in this place in life. The one where I am finding it is ok to FEEL. I have always had to guard my emotions. Mostly out of fear that how I felt would upset someone. And god forbid if someone else’s feelings got hurt. It was always ok if mine got trampled.

Now I feel everything. And sometimes the feelings are a bit much. It is why I write. To take those feelings and sort them out, help them make sense in my head and heart.

The greatest thing is grasping what real love feels like. It is full of joy and fear. It is the greatest and scariest thing ever. This is not the love of a mother for her child, which I can say, is totally different. This one is the love that two humans share when they choose to no longer be solitude in life. My phone chirps and I leap to see if it is him. When it is I smile so big my face hurts. His words make me happy, and laugh or cry or sigh. I realize that even though I saw him only a few short hours ago I miss his presence. I think of our last moment and how my head fits perfectly in his shoulder. How his arms wrap around me and how his chin rests on my head. Of the beat of his heart and of the steady rhythm of his breathing. There is such comfort in it. I can see the love in his eyes, and the worry. I hate the worry. But it is all part of this full honesty pact we made. He still has these moments of doubt that rip out my soul. I know that I have shown that I am not easy to trust. But to be fair, I know I have never felt this depth of connection and love to another soul.

Yes I had those in my life for a time that I had a bond to. But it only went so far. Mostly it was a sexual connection. But in the wake of being separated from them I did not feel lonely. I felt empty. I was still searching for that which would bind up the broken parts and hold them so as to reassemble the damaged me into a new and alive me. In him I feel alive, repaired, loved and no longer empty. In him I feel the love. It is not wild and rose filled every day. It is the little things. Coffee together, cuddling on the couch, his ever present touch as I sleep. How he cheers me on when we go bowling. How he consoles me when I start to beat myself up. And how he reminds me that we never quit. How he will look at me as he holds my hand and asks me if WE are ok. How he calls me pumpkin, and his queen all in the same breath.

I know I messed up in the past. I know I made choices I wish I could change. But I also know without a doubt that I want every moment of the rest of my life to be bound to this man. To survive the challenges and come out stronger. Because in him I have felt what real love feels like.

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1 Comment

  1. February 20, 2014 at 11:07 am

    That is a beautiful kind of love xo


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