Breath, just breath

Sometimes I struggle in life. I swear that the words coming out of my mouth are only meant with the deepest of senceirity and love. But they don’t always come off that way. In a valiant effort to praise my love for the sweetest thing ever I managed to mess it up. I have a soft spot for a man who will sing to me. And mine does. That deep gravely voice, soft and low in my ear, with his arms wrapped around my waist. Just the memory of it makes my heart flutter.  Needless to say we got sideways with each other and I was reminded that there are things I USED to do too. Like take him a cup of coffee to the job site. And go to the gym 5 days a week.  It seems that I tried and failed yet again. But I am not like an old dog. I can relearn old tricks. So today I took him coffee. And as soon as the taxes are done and I see how broke I am I will figure out some way to work the gym back into my schedule.

When we met I was going as a way to escape my ex. The man would not touch me. We slept in the same bed but had no contact at all. And had not for a long time. Sleeping next to him was torture. So I started getting up at 5 am to go to the gym. It was a great way to get some mental and physical relief. But then I met my love and my brain was at peace. And after we decided to shack up, I was content to take care of him every morning. Coffee, lunch, clothes, for his day job and his then night job. So I quit the gym. Now I wonder if I am not attractive to him like I once was. I am no heavier, but I am not as toned.  My deep fear is that he will stop desiring me like my ex did. I am an emotional and mental disaster.

I just need to remember to breath and that the little things count and to get my ass back in shape again.

Life is good. Not just that ok kind of good. But that kind that makes you stop and catch your breath kind of good

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The air was warming up and the world felt alive. Flowers were beginning to bloom everywhere.  She had so much running through her head and the noise in town would not let her think. So she had jumped in the car and headed out to her favorite spot. There in the gentle clinking of the aspen leaves she could process all of her thoughts. She spent some time remembering the happy moments of her childhood. And then cried through some of the not so happy ones. She laughed at her youthful exuberance as she married her first husband and began the career that had carried her for so many years. She remembered the birth of her daughter, the greatest achievement of her life. And then smiled as she began to make plans for her upcoming nuptiuals. How she loved and admired that girl. She took some time and came to grasp with the reality that the life she had once planned never really was meant to be. Her marriage had given her a career and a daughter. It had also given her time to grow and become a better woman. But In the end, the two of them had never been a good match. And that was ok.

At that moment she was exhausted and happy. So she lay back on the big rock soaking up the afternoon sun. As the warmth filled her she could almost feel his warm arms around her. She had been given a gift. The love a good man. There were so many reasons why they worked. First of all, because they wanted to. Love is not always easy. But they had made a promise to always talk things out. He understood her past in a way that others never had. They had shared so many similar moments growing up. And it seemed that they knew things without even having to explain. They shared the same passions and hopes for a future. And in those moments when life got in the way he somehow knew exactly what to say or do to make it all easier. He was loving and kind and generous to her daughter. And that was, to her, more important that anything else.

Yes life was indeed good. People say, don’t look back, but sometimes you have to. You need to stop and look at where you were. To understand that where you are going is in the right direction. To make sure that you are choosing to not make past mistakes again. To know you learned that lesson the first time around. To show honor and respect to those people from your past, even if they were not good for you, because their action in your life helped to mold the you now. The one who can see life’s good. The one who can accept love. The one who knows that her future is a grand place. And is willing and ready to have many many more years filled with love.

 

just a catch up

life has been full of happiness, craziness, and sheer madness the last few days. Things with my love are wonderful. It feels like we have found our own space in this world. We have our own pace our own grasp on what is Our life, and it works for us.

My baby girl set, then re set her wedding date. So in about 7 weeks the blessed day will be here. I am happy beyond words for her. But it also has cased some of my biggest tears. Mostly because I keep discovering that the man who I once thought hung the moon is a total ass. And I want to kick myself for the waste of so many years, and tears and stress over someone so selfish.

And in the same tear filled moment I realize that life went as it did for a reason. Because I would not of meet and fallen so hard for this soul who makes me see good in the world. The man who offered to take on a second job to help pay for my daughters wedding. The one who without knowing it made me stop and breath and let go of my anger for her poor lonely father.

My mom used to call it righteous indignation. That anger you hold to someone who has caused great pain. I saw that in my loves eyes as I began to crumble under the weight of my ex’s actions. And still he was the man who said, that he had not reason to,but he would respect the ex’s decision to not allow my love to attend our daughters ceremony, ON her Dads front lawn, the yard she grew up in. She is only choosing to marry there so she can wed under the trees her mother planted and loves. (she is my girl)

In the past of would of said that I did not deserve such a man and the deep unending happiness he fills my once shattered heart with.

But because of his love and how he loves my kiddos. I can and will say with raucous  abandon, I do deserve this

this love

this happiness

this passion

this life and all of its joys

and the man who helps me to see my worth

You are my love, my heart, and my future… MY King.

The pain connection

Pain in life is to connected. Physical, emotional, mental. The crashing together of all of those forces can sometimes make a perfect storm. You are not sure which caused which. Today the physical and emotional are kicking me in the neck and heart. Today is 11 years since my father in law passed. I felt it even though I was sure it was the 12th instead of the 4th. So I went and looked yesterday and sure enough, my heart knew the date even if my brain was out of count. Add to it the pain my neck and shoulder is in, and the knowledge that my baby girl is weeping her eyes out today because she misses her grandpa too. Well it has me all fucked up. I have not slept worth crap for the past couple of nights. And I am wondering if letting go of my career that this month has been 23 years, is the step I should take.

Parts of my life feel finally grounded. Life is good, love is better. My baby girl finally set a wedding date. And I am beyond happy for her. And yet some things still feel slightly left of center. I need the balance, the grounding. Knowing that I have a plan, instead of sitting here wondering if tomorrow it will all blow up in my face. But that is the reality of life, is it not. We never know what tomorrow will bring. It is a lesson in patience and acceptance. I have been patient and will continue to be. I learned acceptance long ago. Everything in life comes in its own time.

But I wish that the pain receptors would stop talking to each other, or at least decide to do it quietly. Because I am nearing the end of my current level of tolerance.

Darn it

ImageI have been living with shoulder pain for some time. And I knew it was getting worse, but honestly I do not have time in my life to whimper about a little discomfort. Well it is more than a little discomfort, it HURTS. Lifting my arm Is a challenge. And since I am a hair dresser of 23 years and only 5′ 3″ tall the entire world is above my head. So I finally caved to a trip to the physical therapist. It seems that I have  Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. Simply put the scalene in my neck ( this silly triad of muscle) are tightened and are squeezing the life out of the blood vessels and nerves that feed mostly the right side of my upper body. So as I live and work and move the blood flow is restricted and causes wicked pain and numbness. Que the dropping of everything…

So now it is physical therapy twice a week for as long as it takes to make it stop or until my check book cries uncle. At least now I know and can really watch my body mechanics. It seems my posture is ATTROCIOUS. Well I guess I better leave my big girl panties on and suck it up. A little pain never killed anyone, Right?

Friend, Lover, Mother?

Life is damn near perfect. But I still have these moments that make me wonder. Why does he profess to love me?

We have this amazing connection. We share past history even though we did not really know each other a year ago. Our lives have know the same pain and losses. Some within days of each other. But I am a care taker. I cook and clean and pet and love and cuddle those whom I care for. It is my nature. And recently I discovered just how much I remind the family of he late mom. yes I am older. but in the grand scheme of things, not that much. And it is clear that we share a love of many of the same things. Our daily life is content and filled with moments of divine bliss. But at night when I am trying for the 4th time to wake him from the couch, after I have cleaned the kitchen and made the morning coffee and packed his clothes for tomorrows events and fixed his lunch, and!!!!! I wonder to myself, I am his friend, his lover or a new version of his mother?

Lord help me for acting like a pouting brat. I want a partner in life. And in so many ways he is just that. He always holds my hand when he is near. He never walks away from me. He always calls me terms of endearment. He does not shy away from PDA, no matter who is around. He is often thoughtful. He is constantly saying thank you and reminding me to reply accordingly. He holds me in his arms as if  I were always meant to be there. He never belittles me about my past mistakes. He encourages my future choices. I just guess that today my feelings are hurt. And honestly it was a little thing. But I went to bed mad, I slept like crap, and woke up frusterated. Maybe I am the one who needs a parent to keep my emotions in line???