The pain connection

Pain in life is to connected. Physical, emotional, mental. The crashing together of all of those forces can sometimes make a perfect storm. You are not sure which caused which. Today the physical and emotional are kicking me in the neck and heart. Today is 11 years since my father in law passed. I felt it even though I was sure it was the 12th instead of the 4th. So I went and looked yesterday and sure enough, my heart knew the date even if my brain was out of count. Add to it the pain my neck and shoulder is in, and the knowledge that my baby girl is weeping her eyes out today because she misses her grandpa too. Well it has me all fucked up. I have not slept worth crap for the past couple of nights. And I am wondering if letting go of my career that this month has been 23 years, is the step I should take.

Parts of my life feel finally grounded. Life is good, love is better. My baby girl finally set a wedding date. And I am beyond happy for her. And yet some things still feel slightly left of center. I need the balance, the grounding. Knowing that I have a plan, instead of sitting here wondering if tomorrow it will all blow up in my face. But that is the reality of life, is it not. We never know what tomorrow will bring. It is a lesson in patience and acceptance. I have been patient and will continue to be. I learned acceptance long ago. Everything in life comes in its own time.

But I wish that the pain receptors would stop talking to each other, or at least decide to do it quietly. Because I am nearing the end of my current level of tolerance.


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