convenience

She lay there in the dark on her side of the bed. He did not touch her. There was no want in him. She wondered why she was still there. Was it simply a matter of convenience. She cleaned his house, washed his clothes, cooked his meals and had raised his children. But she no longer felt the love  in his touch. There had been a time when she could see the love in his eyes. When his hand held her face and his gaze told her stories of his love and desire. But now his eyes were empty and he no longer let  his hand graze her cheek. To long had passed since he had kissed her with wild abandon. As if to draw his very breath from her. His lips now were a fast peck on her nose or forehead. Landing only for a moment as if her skin were molten and he feared to be burnt. She wondered what was in his head. Did he look at her the same and wonder why he was there, why she was there? Was it simply that it was easy? Easier to stay than to go. Easier to let life slip by than to battle to live every moment. So there in the dark she took a deep breath and decided she would no longer be convenient.

 

There are days when i find i am still angry with my ex. Something makes me wake up wanting to yell at the man. But he is a wall of NON Emotion. I guess it is hard when you are a person full of life and fire. I am not a yeller. But i think if given the opportunity i might be able to do just that. Because i fought for so long to make it all work i find that these days i still walk on egg shells sometimes. What i have i my life is a gift and my fear of losing it keeps me quiet when i want to stomp my feet. But i am learning and loving and finding out that life can be good, no GREAT

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His lips on my neck

there is  nothing in this world like the feel of his lips on my neck. Soft and warm and tasting me. I swear that my heart leaps out of my chest with every tender embrace. As his words fall from those lips upon my ears. Telling me of his love and his desire. I am left breathless and weak. There is no resistance left in me. Only the sweet surrender of my heart, my soul and my flesh. I am his simply because he kissed me. And kissed me well. Scarlett O Hara could take a lesson from me. And find that real happiness comes from surrender to a man who knows how to kiss you.

The cheap seats

I love music. It is and has been my way of expressing emotions my entire life. Writing came later. So now I thrive on the moments when I can go to a concert and have the sound waves wash over me like a comforting blanket.  I am not that girl who wants to be in the front row. Instead I am happy in the cheap seats. Where I live those are standing room only. But that is ok. Because there I am with the man I adore. His arms happily wrapped around my waist as we sway to the music. His lips on my ears and my neck making my knees wobble.  I thrive off of those moments. And I will always be happy to get a pair of tickets in the cheap seats. Just me and my King.

Taking the risk.

In life I have found that if I wanted something I had better get it or do it myself. No one was going to go there for me. But if you do that then you do not allow the space for someone to do for you. But you also do not open yourself up to the risk of DISSAPOINTMENT.

I have decided to take the risk. Being a woman in control is nice but lonely. Self sufficiency  is cool but it makes you unapproachable.

I love the feeling that comes when someone actually stops in their day to think of me and then puts into action a little something to make my life better, happier. It is rarely the big things. It is something as simple as a small bunch of flowers, a cup of coffee, a message that says I love you in the middle of a busy day.  This two way street called love, or better yet simply caring.

I am aware that life keeps us all busy. But I still want to be the girl in the center of someones world. And to be reminded every day that things would simply lack their sparkle without me.

So here is to risk. May it not bite me in the ass.

A beautiful joining

Sun shining bright, soft gentle breezes. Surrounded by those who loved them both. they held hands and exchanged vows and rings.

Two became five, instant family. And I stopped for a moment and took it all in. It was not fancy and expensive. It was perfect in its simplicity. It was, them..

Her father hid to cry, emotions after all are weakness. Her grandmother held my hand as if to say, I am sorry, its all ok. In the end it was as it should of been, Minus one. But we will have to take solace in the fact that my home was where the laughter happened. And that has to be good enough for now.

I could not have gotten a more perfect Mothers Day. My baby became a bride. My love called me his future. And my heart grew. Image

polar opposites

When my marriage had died i was still to chicken shit to walk away. But i was not to chicken to cheat. I had an affair, three in fact. I was desperately searching. What i found in the end was that i kept picking people much like my ex husband. And at some point i got strong enough to choose a different life. 

I had known the man who became my King. But had never considered dating him. I was simply not in that frame of mind. In fact i was so done with relationships. I was trying to focus on my own mental health and well being. But he slipped in. He made me laugh at a time in my life when i so desperately needed to. And before i knew it was a goner. 

With all that is going on with my daughters wedding it is becoming clearer and clearer that i got lucky. Those two men could not be more different. One a selfish self centered man who’s only concern is himself and his stuff. The other a man full of heart and generosity. His love for me is so visable. Not just to me but to everyone. He holds my hand and kisses me sweetly in front of everyone including his grandma.  I am not sure why i am so lucky. But i have decided to embrace it with both hands and a full heart. He has melted the frozen corners of my heart into puddles in which my grand children can play. He has used my tears to water a garden now full of flowers. And has shown me what i look like through his eyes instead of my own. And i can finally say that life is truly good. Even after i have bad days. Thank you all for bearing with me in my moments. This is where i let my emotions fly. Where i do not need to censor them for fear of hurting someones feelings. And here in the safety of these pages my life unfolds. I am growing and learning and loving. 

Bile

Hate, I fucking hate that man

My mother taught  me never to say that word

And yet as I sit here with tears like acid streaming down my face I feel it my every pore

His senseless selfishness

His cold hearted self importance

How I ever spent years loving him is beyond my grasp.
She is our child. our only child
I have been proud of her beyond words for most of her life
She was stronger than I
and smarter than I
She has loved with wild abandon and lost
And yet she never caved to the pettiness of her father
She stood up to her grandmother when she spewed words of hate
And when that old bitter crones self pity was palpable.
I will always reminder her to have respect for her father
even though he does not deserve it
I will remind her to call her grandmother
even though she is the woman who refused to keep her until she was out of diapers
Her only grand child
Bile and anger and wrath fill my heart
but only for a moment
Because I am reminded that despite their behavior
I raised a wonderful woman
Her heart is pure and true and good
There is no hate her soul
She looks at her father,not with anger but with true pity
for he will die alone and forgotten
surrounded by his things and his money
and in the end instead of using it to make memories with his child while we all still lived
she will use it after his passing to inspire truth and life and love and happiness

Taking it in and drowning in it all

I am the queen of positive. I have worked at it, struggled with it, and chosen to embrace it.

that being said… right now I am drowning in the reality of it all. the wedding is days away. I can only do what I can do. Her dad and I barley talk. We ever barley talked. the idea of having to see him on that day makes my skin crawl with stress and annoyance. It will all be fake smiles. Life will be exactly as it was for years, in those few hours. My heart, my king, and my sanity has been denied ability to attend. so I have to handle all of the stress alone. my friends will be there but honestly they are helpless and only cause me more stress. No one has stepped up to help me. I feel the weight on my shoulders pushing me under.

And to top it all off I feel so utterly unattractive. I fought to lose weight, was feeling good. I have gained 4 lbs back and they feel like 40. I am not comfortable in my skin. I look in the mirror and see old and tired and worn out. There is simply so much running through my head. My love is worried that I will get warm and fuzzy feelings for my ex during the wedding. And that in itself makes me want to stay home and cry. I do not have a happy emotion when it comes to my ex. there is nothing left but sad truth. And I want no part of that selfish man. I am in a moment of feeling like I am not enough. Not enough of a mom, I was never enough to be a good wife, and I a wonder if Wife is a title I would ever deserve again. I am tired… plain and simple. Over done, over wrought and at the end of my tether. The ragged edge of reality is just within reach of my chipped toenail polish. I want someone to stop the merry go round. The painted ponies have lost their charm. And I just need a life preserver before I go under for the last time.