Taking it in and drowning in it all

I am the queen of positive. I have worked at it, struggled with it, and chosen to embrace it.

that being said… right now I am drowning in the reality of it all. the wedding is days away. I can only do what I can do. Her dad and I barley talk. We ever barley talked. the idea of having to see him on that day makes my skin crawl with stress and annoyance. It will all be fake smiles. Life will be exactly as it was for years, in those few hours. My heart, my king, and my sanity has been denied ability to attend. so I have to handle all of the stress alone. my friends will be there but honestly they are helpless and only cause me more stress. No one has stepped up to help me. I feel the weight on my shoulders pushing me under.

And to top it all off I feel so utterly unattractive. I fought to lose weight, was feeling good. I have gained 4 lbs back and they feel like 40. I am not comfortable in my skin. I look in the mirror and see old and tired and worn out. There is simply so much running through my head. My love is worried that I will get warm and fuzzy feelings for my ex during the wedding. And that in itself makes me want to stay home and cry. I do not have a happy emotion when it comes to my ex. there is nothing left but sad truth. And I want no part of that selfish man. I am in a moment of feeling like I am not enough. Not enough of a mom, I was never enough to be a good wife, and I a wonder if Wife is a title I would ever deserve again. I am tired… plain and simple. Over done, over wrought and at the end of my tether. The ragged edge of reality is just within reach of my chipped toenail polish. I want someone to stop the merry go round. The painted ponies have lost their charm. And I just need a life preserver before I go under for the last time.

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3 Comments

  1. youngandtwenty said,

    May 6, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    Life is such a crazy battle of up and down’s. You realize your negative outlook and you realize you need help, that’s a great thing to acknowledge! You can come out better, and on top. I’ve written a blog on my struggles of the ‘ups and downs’ that may give you a sense of inspiration if you’re interested.

  2. dievca said,

    May 7, 2014 at 1:47 am

    The day is about your daughter — everyone else doesn’t count. Focus on her and ignore the other idiots. You are beautiful, so accept that and be beautiful from the inside out. 4lbs don’t matter — stand tall and sell it, Girl.

    • loneyheart said,

      May 7, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      it seems as if most of it landed in my boobs anyways. I guess i keep hoping her dad will stop being a selfish spoiled child. But that will never happen. Instead i am gifted with the worlds most loving man who told me to invite her father and grandmother to our home for dinner the night befor the wedding. I am truly blessed.


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