Cravings

How was it that he elicited such cravings in her? One touch and she became wanton. If he dared to place his lips on her neck her entire will became lost. And if he simply walked by and grabbed her hair she was putty in his hands.
This day was no different. His kiss good by had left her smiling. His first message of the day made her wish her day was done. She wanted to be home with him NOW. Their love making was never vanilla. They switched back and forth between rolls with ease. Submissive, Dominate, naughty whore or Mommy. She loved them all. There were no rules to what they shared. No boundaries or fear of what was proper. Together they filled each others desires and needs as if it were simple breathing. Neither of them had ever known such freedom to simply be and enjoy.
She loved him, of that there was no doubt. But more than that she craved him. Her want of him seemed to grow with each kiss. And man did he know how to kiss her. The sweetness that built into want into raw hunger left her powerless. His hands quietly telling her what to do. The things he wanted to see. He did not need to speak, his eyes spoke volumes and they screamed his want of her as well.
Work would keep her here a bit longer but her need was pulling at her. So she slipped out of her jeans and slipped her fingers into the soft wetness. This was no time for the slow enjoyment of ones own flesh. This was carnal craving that needed to be quenched. Like magic her fingers touched and tapped at her mound. Finding the perfect rhythm to make her body arch with pleasure. At least the edge was off and she could concentrate again. But she knew that aroma would linger all day. Time for work, she thought as she licked her fingers and grinned at the flushed face in the mirror. She could not wait to go home and get a proper spanking like a bad girl should.

A message to my king

My phone chimes and i catch my breath. Those little moments through out the day when your words fill my heart. Last nights heat made me think back to the beginning and i smiled. Who knew a bucket of ice would lead to this. Those days filled with messages and the nights in my tiny one room apartment that gave life to something magical. When our life was work and bowling and late night dinners on the porch listening to the drunk idiots at the bar down the hill. 

I know how much you hate sudden change. How life is smoother when change comes like the summer rain. But you have been my hero. You were the one who asked, no insisted that i move in when that apartment became a lake during the massive rain. You didn’t have to but you did. You were the wonderful man who opened that same home to my daughter and her new family. I watched you and fell more in love with you than before. In  another 15 days i will have shared my life with you for a year. And i consider myself blessed. We both know where i was headed when we met. I was hurt and sad and swimming in the fog of another mans words. I was struggling to be something i was not so that i could feel love. 

Funny thing is that you made me feel all of the love in the world and never asked me to be anything. You were there through it all. Even in the days when i was still trying to fix what was broken and beyond repair. Your gentle heart standing back and seeing what i could not see. From our first conversation you declared i should be treated like a Queen. And you have my love, every day since. I will continue to work every day of my life to be worthy of that title and to treat you like the loving King that you are. 

one day one breath one moment at a time… until the days end, my breath no longer comes and my last moment is spent in your arms. 

 

Always looking

This made me laugh today. Partly out of frusteration and partly from the irony of it all. I went hunting again for something i swear i ONCE owned. I searched where i currently live and my storage unit. Finally i surrendered and went to the store. My life in many ways is peaceful and settled and moving in a forward direction. and in another is stuck in the quagmire of the past. I can not seem to get all of the pieces in one place. 

There are so many times i think, I HAVE THAT… only to realize that, I ONCE HAD THAT. Was it something i took with me or was it something he decided i deserved when HE  packed my belongings and put them into storage? I feel like i am always looking. Looking for that thing….Most of it is not important, simply stuff. But for me it is about the disjointedness of my life. Part here, part there, part where i once was never to be seen again. I have always been the woman who knew where to go to grab something. Even now my king gets that look on his face of, WHERE DID I PUT THAT, and i can walk to it and hand it to him without a word. But my stuff….. i may never know where it is. 

So like my team is always looking for that perfect game, one more strike, i will be always looking for that thing i swear i once owned.

Good by my sweet baby

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She was my shining beacon. The sweetest four legged child to ever enter my home. She knew she was a rescue. But it was she who rescued me. I have had many pets in my life but few found their way into my heart like her. And when i escaped my marriage it broke my heart to leave her behind. But a one room apartment was no place for a giant baby.
Today my daughter messages me. Has dad called you? Kat died in her sleep last night. I am sure with that statement the last of my tattered heart broke. In the last few days i have lost a woman who was a serrogate mother and my best 4 legged friend. I am angry and sad and overflowing with emotions. I used to be tougher, stronger, harder, more shut down. But these days my heart lives without a cage. It has no armor to protect it. And it hurts right now like it has not hurt in some time.
Good by my sweet baby girl. My Kat Dog, mom is going to miss you.

i am still learning

Life is not perfect, but it is happy. It holds this joy that i have not known till now. But i am still learning.

Learning to accept that my expectations in life will not always be reality. That no matter how much you give you will not always get the same in return. And to be honest that is hard lesson. One should not really expect equality of action. One should be able to give without want of return. I am still learning. 

One should hug those they hold dear every time they see them. It could be your last time. I am still learning.

One should look in the mirror with acceptance and pride of self. I am still learning.

One should be able to be fully honest. Truth and honesty only hurt when one has fallen short of what they should of done. I am still learning. 

Truth and honesty some times sting like a bitch. 

I have made mistakes, and i know i will make more. That is the reality of life. It is why i am still learning. 

I was once told that you learn something new every day. And that the day you do not learn is the day you die.

So for now i am grateful that 

I AM STILL LEARNING.

 

High Maintenace

Do men treat high maintenance women better? I have this conversation with a friend on a frequent basis. A recent face book test declared i was LOW Maintenance. And yes its true. I am self reliant, i ask for nothing from no one. Even when there are things i want, i will only mention them in passing and let it go. If i get it then life is awesome. If not then i had no expectations and my feelings can the not get hurt.

But according to her if i where HIGH Maintenance then i would clearly state what i wanted and i would get it. Men would be more likely to WANT to do for me to make me happy. They would go out of their way to make one a priority in life because i REQUIRED more attention. 

The entire concept boggles my mind and i find it frusterating. I can not bring myself to be demanding or helpless to simply get what i know i deserve. I did have one relationship where he went out of his way to shower me with nice things. and while it was nice it all came with a price tag i was unwilling to pay in the end. 

I know who i am, and what i deserve from this life. And i will not become someone or something i am not. So this Low Maintenance girl will continue to be who she is and let the chips fall where they may. But most importantly she will remember that Love can not  be put in a box. And she wakes up in the arms of love every day. And in all honesty THAT IS ENOUGH.

wedding overload leads to fantasy shopping spree

the cake

Days roll into one another. Life at its ever hectic pace. Living each and every moment. 

But from time to time she stops. 

Scrolling through the pages. Dress after dress. Short, long, lace, chiffon

To many weddings, to many brides, to many silly ideas in her head

She had her day years ago. No it was not the dress she wanted. But it had been free, a left over from a marriage that did not last

Looking back there was little of it that was truly her. The colors, cream and mauve. Tones of her mother. Brides don’ t to RED!!!!

Now she is past that age. The one where girls become women. And brides in white gowns are born. At best she is champagne or ivory. Blushing pink would cause the world to laugh. And her heart is still to fragile for that. 

So she closes the pages. She looks instead at brightly colored swing dresses and imagines a party instead of a ceremony. Where, if the time comes, he has taken her by the hand to the judge and in quiet solitude the two become one.

The silly girl in her still longing to open the page once more to the short satin gown. The one that remindes her of a 50’s movie queen. And of the funny shoes that look like something Sophia Loren would of worn in a movie if she had been an Alley Queen. Perfect bowling princess heels. Of the teal and red cake embellished with proper 1950’s zigzags and their names on top in a brightly colored pattern that looks like a bowling alley sign. 

Life calls, work wins her attention, and reality becons. Her world is good. Filled with peace and joy and love. And she needs to find gifts for the real brides in her life, and let fantasy stay where it should.