So small

She felt so small as his body began to envelope hers. His arms wrapped around her with her face buried in the crook of his neck. As he began to pierce the most delicious pieces of her she felt herself caressed fully by him. Her face now in his chest, her lips tenderly placing kisses there. With one final push he was deep inside and her eyes fluttered as a moan escaped her lips. How she loved that moment. The instant in which she surrendered all of herself to him. He never failed to express his awe at how she felt so tightly wrapped around his flesh.

She was his in every way. Even now her breath matched his own and the rhythm of their bodies seamlessly one. His hand grasping the nape of her neck pulling her lips to meet his own. Her hand in the small of his back trying to pull him even deeper. He would whisper in her ear, i hope you are close my queen. That utterance would send her body into the beginning waves of pulsation. Her body now on a path no one could stop, responding to his every touch, every kiss, every breath. Desire building a raging fire that only he could put out. Until at last, with her heart beating out of her chest and her breath coming in ragged gasps she let it all go and exploded in unison with him.

They lay there wrapped in that spent embrace and his lips pressed into her forehead. Tears trailed from the corners of her eyes. For to long she had been unable to let go, to wrapped up in the dark corners of her own mind. But there in that bed, in the darkness of their room, she had surrendered. Letting go of the past, of the images that lived in her mind. And happiness was hers for the taking. Enveloped by his love she felt her heart grow big and her pain become so small.


Did He?

Did he just wink at her?
Did he smile her way?
Did he just brush her arm?
Was it real or just play?

She asked herself these questions and was sure that it had all been in jest.
Certianly a guy like that would never really find her interesting.
Yet here he was again, asking her if she needed anything.
He had eyes that sparkled with wicked intent. And it was true she had been watching him. She loved the way he moved. It was slow and fluid like a stream over rocks.
His laugh carried across the room and she swore it chimed like cathedral bells.
He was magnetic and yet somehow still unassuming in his manner. she was drawn to him like a small child to ice cream.

Silly banter led the way to a dinner invitation. The best of her life. There was power in laughter. That laugh led to a kiss that would melt paint off of an old Georgia plantation. She would swear to you she had never been kissed like that before. She would recall that first night and tell you that her dress never left her body and yet she had never felt so naked. He had seen his way past the walls and deep into her soul.

Did he just call her cougar?
That was a morning she will never forget. The day he said “Good morning cougar” Her heart stopped beating and she forgot to breath. Why the hell had she never stopped to ask him his age. And just how badly had she broken her own rules. 10 years, no more, no less. Well this one she hit right on the button. His laugh won her over again when he declared to her that she had not intended to be a cougar, but he had shurly intended to be a cougar hunter.

Did he just say I Love You?
Oh darling you don’t love me, that was just an orgasm. How many times did she tell him that? Only to have him respond, ok, but i think its ok if i only say it during an orgasm. How he infuriated her when he said it. Until the day, with her head buried in his neck she whispered, “I think i could love you”. I know, he said, “Now hush”.

Did he? yes he did. That day, and the next in oh so many ways. He showed her love and truth and what real desire felt like. He made that cougar feel like a Queen. And she was so glad he did.

Tv show conversations

Plural marriage…

We sat and watched that show and talked. I hate it when something mindless makes me think so deep. That entire baby conversation made me realize how deeply i love you. Knowing that i would step back and fade out of it all if someone were able to give you a child. Yes my heart would be broken. But i know how deeply you would love that gift which i can not give you. But no more of that.

Simply to have to share you would be a challenge for me. Once and a while for fun, maybe. But daily? The thought of not having you with me in my bed every night is almost to much. To not be able to reach out my hand and touch your naked skin? It is like a dagger to the heart. We could not share a home. I would suffer to much if i were to see her lying with you on the couch, her head in my spot. How i love our cuddle time. Being there does calm me. The rhythm of your breathing mixed with the beat of your heart. Your arms warm and strong around me.

No, plural marriage is not something i could handle. I have become spoiled in your arms. I know that i have loved others as you have. and i know they have loved me. But never have i felt and so clearly seen in someones eyes the depth of love that i see with you. You are my King, my sweet and wonderful gift. Forever, your Queen.

Going to seed

The lady sat on the couch and read to the small child in her lap.
Do you suppose she is a wild flower? Look at those petals, I have never seen a flower with those petals. Do you think she’s a dandelion? A dandelion, oh no. Don’t let her go to seed here.
the lady laughed, Dandelion! Well i guess everything does go to seed. She was pretty sure in her life she had never been a glorious rose or and exotic orchid. surely nothing grown in a hot house. she was more like the flowers on the road side. on a good day she was a daisy, on her best a sunflower.
After the child was tucked in bed, she took her chair and did what any good wildflower does. She turned her face to the moon. there in the darkness she unfurled her petals and thought. Dandelion my ass, i am not ready to go to seed, not just yet.

moonlight ponderings

Twinkle twinkle little bat, how i wonder, where your at, up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky.
Silly Alice, who needs flying tea trays.

As i thought of that story, i longed to hear the original, the words stumbled forth from my lips
Twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder where you are, up above the world so high like a diamond in the sky.
But who needs diamonds? Silly girls looking for shiny things. I don’t need a diamond.
I only need that which every woman thinks that diamond represents.
True, simple, honest love. Kind, soft kisses. And man to sit and hold my hand while i sit and stare at the stars and wonder.

moon phoenix

And the night clouds looked like the rising phoenix as they shared the sky with the ever radiant moon. It was hard to tell which was more regal. that bird soaring across the heavens. its beak piercing the darkness or the moon with its glow so radiantly bright that the stars dare not share that sky.
Not wishing to be out done the crickets chirped in harmony. The cauphoeny that drowned out the sound of ones own heartbeat in what should of been ever still silence.
I watched that phoenix as it tried to soar its way only to be disturbed by heavenly winds. Until soon there was nothing left of it but small wisps of curling, almost smoke like tendrils. And there in the night the battle raged on. Not between that ever gracious phoenix and the moon, but between the moon and the relentless chirping of the crickets.

What now.

I literally feel the veins in my head throbbing. the tension in my neck beginning to pull my head into an akward angle. My shoulders are aching and my eyes sting from un cried tears.

You asked me if i was upset that you had not yet asked me to be your bride. My answer was no. You are not ready. But it should of been more than that. It should of been NO, we are not ready. I love you, of that i am most certain. But at this moment i want to stomp my feet in frusteration.

I have told you a million times i don’t need a ring. If you are ready to have me in your life then get my things from storage. And as many times you have said you would. But they are still locked away. You said that to make room for my stuff you needed to clean out some things. so you said you were going to clean the office.. You didn’t.
I am now most certain that is proof that you are not really ready. You want to be, but your not. Every time you say you are going to do something and then don’t it makes me wonder. I hate promises. they are just words to make a person feel better in the moment. But in the end they only break my heart. Don’t tell me you are going to do this or that. Show me.

My hands are tied. I have done all i can to make your house our home. To treat you like grandma does grandpa. To be a good queen for my King. But i am beginning to feel like i have failed you. I wonder. Now what.

Camp fire night

It was one of those hot August days that blended into a cool crisp night. The one where you start out in shorts and a tank top and by the time the moon shows up you are hunting for a jacket or a blanket.
I opted for the blanket, and a camp fire. Something about the crackle of pine sap filled logs and the smell in the air made this country girl feel right at home. You could just sit there with your eyes closed and listen to the sound of the world spinning past your ears.
Stars blinked overhead and the crickets chirped off in the darkness. Somewhere around the lake people laughed and music filled the air. But i liked the solitude. I could hear the fish splash in the lake as they ate the bugs that dared to get to close to the waters edge. And some where in a nearby tree the hoot of an old owl told stories in the night.
Silently out of no where came a red hair dog. He padded up to me and was in my lap with one smooth leap. There was clearly no need to fear him. He lapped at my face like a long lost friend. I began to wonder where his owner was until i heard the soft crunch of boots on rocks. Out of the darkness came a man with a sweet smile and a soft laugh. “I see my Partner found a new friend”. Scratching the dogs ears i said “howdy Partner” and laughed at myself. I sounded like the Duke but some how not quite right. I guess a girl could never really pull off that drawl. I guess he could tell that the pup was quite at home in my lap because he did not call him down. But instead dropped his lanky form next to me on the ground. His eyes up cast with a wild twinkle in them.
They had been fishing just around the bend and had ended their day with a game of stick. It seems Partner had decided i had better sticks and had come over to help himself to a new toy. I asked if they had eaten and discovered that their fishing excersuion had not been fruitful. So i offered to share some of my catch. Skillet seared trout were on the evening menu as well as some pan fried potatoes and onion.
Soon laughter filled the air around the campfire as we tried to keep our smores sticks away from that ever log stealing pup.
The hours ticked by and the pile of wood began to dwindle. There in the fading embers of a camp fire another flame began. Small at first but a deffinate warm spot somewhere deep in this girls heart.
As they wandered back to their own camp i eagerly awaited morning and the offer of camp coffee with a side of stick throwing. It seems that pup had lead the way to a new adventure


words rattled about in her head
they held no rhyme or reason
just randomness lacking substance

much like the emotions in her soul
she seemed to be feeling everything and nothing
she had words but could not put words to those feelings

then.. she stopped
she listened to the breath that escaped her lungs
and to the beating of her heart, and she knew

life was full of happiness and sadness
the moments that made up her existence had all rattled into one
and she felt them all

sadness, joy, elation and expectation
guilt, and pride, shame and desire
strength, weakness, passion and fire

for to long it was not ok to feel
not ok to let those feelings show
and now sometimes they overwhelmed her

but she embraced them, even welcomed them
they did not need words or labels or explanations
simple acknowledgement was all that was required

So she stopped… and said hello and welcomed them in
like old friends and new loves
and it felt good to feel

someone please remind me…..oh yeah thats why

There are days like today when i want to lock the door and go home. People have pushed my button one to many times. They are rude and disrespectful. I have lost 3 hours of work time to those who no showed for appointments and failed to call and say, Hay sorry i cant make it.
I am living with grey roots of my own and wish i could of made myself pretty. But you dont put color on your hair when working on clients. That would be unprofessional.

But then there are days like yesterday when i got to make a sweet clients day. Her life is a rollercoaster right now. Parental divorce, family shuffling, moving from her life long home to a new city, and the loss of her pet. But when she left that smile was electric.
And so was her hair. Rainbows always make smiles. And that is why the door is not locked, and why i will put on my big girl panties. Because you can only do what you can do. and not everyones mother taught them how to behave.

Yes i do love my job and 90 percent of my clients. And the rest are on the fired list.

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