Facing 25

Widows count anniversaries like they are still happening. Divorces count them like battle scars. I look at it from a different space. To me it is simply a time to be retrospective. To look at how i have grown and changed, hopefully for the better.

At 19 he was my knight in shining armor. Taking me from a family home that was not filled with loving kindness. By my early 30’s i was head long into proving my worth through my career. We did not have good communication and hence we were unable to tell the other that we were not happy. We had not grown together but rather very far apart. By my 40’s my heart was in a constant state of sadness. I began searching in places for what my heart was missing. I found many things but none to fill the dark lonely spot.

I finally found my own inner light and walked away. And by the time we had our 24th we were living apart and waiting on divorce papers. Now i am sitting a few days from that 25 mark and i look at it not with sadness but with calm contentment. I know who i am. After all of these years i am not just his once upon a time wife. I am not my career or my daughters mother. I am all of that and so much more. I have found balance and peace and happiness and yes LOVE.

I look back on those years and can remember the good and acknowledge the bad. I can see where i fell short and have learned some valuable lessons. I know where to try harder and be better. And in honesty i have found someone worth being better for. It is funny that he says he works hard to be a better man for me, because i know i am working hard to be a better woman. Not for him, but for US. It is easier to do that when someone says to you every day that you are loved and wanted and needed. I have let go of perfection and embraced the fact that a flawed life is perfect. I will never be thin or young again. But I am smarter and sassier and happier in my own skin.

So as that day approaches i will not memorialize it, nor morn it, or wear it like a battle scar. But i will wake up that day and embrace the happiness of my life and give thanks for lessons learned and that i am no longer 19 and looking at life through rose colored glasses. Because now a days i live by the simple truth “honest is honest” and i have someone who is honest with me even when truth stings. And that is how life should be.


Bridal bullshit

I have a love hate relationship with weddings. They are full of beauty and joy but also full of stress and distress. In my business i deal with them alot. I make bridal beauty and am often an invited guest. But lately i have had no desire to go. The last event i attended with my ex was a wedding. The entire thing broke my spirit. I came home knowing divorce was my only option. since then i have done lots of bridal hair and attending a wedding or two alone. It leaves me feeling weary. This weekend i have yet one more wedding. One of my SPARE kids. A young lady i have known for many years. And while i hope for her continued joy i am still feeling those old pangs. I guess not everyone gets fairy tales. I for one am feeling more like the Wedding Grinch. I can almost bet you that i will be sitting there like the bitter old divorce of the family.At least there are no more on the books for the year. And i think i have learned to say NO. We will see. Maybe someone will supriese me and be there next to me. So not holding my breath.

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

There is deep truth in this piece. No love is like any other. Each is a splendid gift to be held with admiration. And i am a blessed woman to now how my own greatest love story.

The Submission of Elle

We are not Ares and Aphrodite.
Nor are we Samson and Delilah.
Romeo and Juliet doesn’t fit.
There is no comparison.
We are uniquely us.

Our flaws and foibles.
Our inadequacies and insecurities.
Our devotion and determination.
Our bravery and boldness.
Our love is built on quiet strength.
Our foundation is a soul connection seldom ever known.

We were told we’d never last.
Ridiculed and scorned.
Mocked and misunderstood.
It only made us stronger.
It made us love even more.

We are best friends and true lovers for life.
We want to fulfill each other’s needs.
Through every change we wind up on the same page.
We are the greatest love story ever told.


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Deep Breaths

Life is a fucking challenge. Thankfully mine is filled with loving supportive people. To day the weather man said it was Happiness Happens Day. And he is a smart guy so i am going to believe him.
It is happy because the man who holds my heart is having a Birthday today. It is happy because my daughter is moving home today. The reason she is home is not happy, but the fact that she was smarter than her mom and is walking out of a bad situation, well that is Happy. She just saw a road runner, and that is happy because that is how her late grandpa says Hi baby girl.

Life is as good as it can be right now. I am madly in love with someone who i want to battle the rough spots with. We got past that weird one year mark. I did not freak out and run, and neither did he. I bowled my first 200 plus game and it was magical. The pride in his face was worth more than anything. And when my daughters world fell apart, he stepped up like the true man i know he is. I could not ask for more from my life.

Just taking it all, one day, one breath, one precious moment at a time.